Rough Night Page #9

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If you're looking for our cell phones,

I locked them in this drawer

and I'm not gonna open it, okay?

Please let me at least text Peter. I feel

like he's totally freaking out right now.

Not until

everything is sorted out.

We made a plan.

Um, Alice.

- What's up, dude? What are you doing?

- What?

Oh, I'm just making sure nothing's broken.

I think he's fine.

Yeah, he's really fine.

- Jesus.

- Oh, my God.

You need to masturbate more.

You're, like, severely horny.

I know. I just don't like

to do it in front of my cockatiel.

She's very smart.

- Why don't you put her in a cage?

- She is in a cage.

But I'm loud. I'm a screamer.

- I remember.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

And it kind of sounds like her.

So she thinks I'm talking to her.

I'm like,

"No, I'm just f***ing touching myself."

- Like, "Back off."

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Cool, so back to our

life-changing emergency?

Okay, the stripper's here, he's alive.

- That's good. Right?

- Yeah.

Um, there is still a dead guy

in the closet, so...

- Who is that guy?

- We could get rid

of him if we just had a car, you know?

Oh, my God. How did this guy get here?

Oh, yeah.

That'll work.

- Thank God!

- Will it?

All right, we're gonna drive

to the alligator bog, dump the body.

We're gonna return the Smart car,

wake up the G-string guy,

tell him he hit his head really hard.

- Blair's gonna give him a ton of cash.

- Wait, what?

- And then we're home free.

- I love it. Yeah.

Alligator bog.

You will arrive

at your destination in 45 minutes.

I'm a hustler, baby

Yeah.

That's what my daddy's made me

Can I do your...

Do you mind if I do your thing?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Don't litter.

Yeah, I'm a hustler, baby

That's what my daddy's made me

All right.

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

- For you.

- Thank you so much.

So, I got meth.

You looking? 40 bucks.

No, thank you so much.

I just need gas money.

Hey, listen, do you want

to suck my dick for 15 bucks?

- No. Thank you.

- Okay.

Good luck, man.

Thanks, man.

You will arrive in 25 minutes.

This is so uncomfortable.

I mean, does this thing go any faster?

- Wait!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

So it does go faster?

Mmm-hmm.

- Hi, sir. May I...

- Whoa! Get the f*** away from my car.

- Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- God.

Let me suck your dick real fast.

What?

- Please?

- No. What is with this place?

Okay, listen...

Do you have any meth?

I'm a hustler, baby

- I could sell you meth, yeah. Um...

- Really?

- 80 bucks.

- 80, uh, dollars...

There you go.

Do-do-do-do

- Hey, man.

- Hey.

- Um, I want to buy some meth.

- Oh!

Only thing is, though,

you got to do a little bump, though,

so I know that you're not a cop.

No, man. Please. I'm not a cop.

You want the meth or not?

Okay.

Yay! Here we go.

- And one for Papa Bear.

- It burns. All right.

Forty bucks. Not a cop. Come on.

- Yes. Great. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So, uh, still a no-go on the BJ, or...

No, I'm good. Thanks.

That's fine.

Actually,

there's somebody I want

to introduce you to.

- Right on!

- Very nice to meet you.

- Good to meet you, too.

- This is so perfect.

- Yeah, go. Please, go.

- Okay. Okay.

You got to do it, man. That's true love.

Guys, I fell asleep.

I fell asleep.

I had this nightmare

where we had all killed a guy.

- That is a reality.

- No, we killed somebody.

What? No!

Oh, my God! Jet lag is insane, you guys.

It's no joke!

No joke!

Damn it!

Did you happen to come up with

a be-genius idea out there?

Yeah, I did, actually.

In my dream, I remembered

that there was this guy in Australia

who cooked his girlfriend and ate her.

- Kiwi.

- I can't 'cause I am vegan.

- But...

- Kiwi.

Oh, God, I'm so tired.

We should turn ourselves in. We're guilty.

No, we are innocent, because

this was an accident, you guys.

Stop saying that.

Maybe if you hadn't been lethally horny,

we wouldn't be in this mess.

I was coked up

because you bought us drugs.

I didn't force you to do the drugs, Alice.

And you know what,

nobody's talking about how it was

Blair's idea to get a stripper

in the first place.

Yeah, but you're never to blame, right?

"Look at me, I'm Frankie.

I live in a storage unit.

- "I'm saving the world."

- You know what?

You act like everybody's so stupid

for not being a merciless a**hole like you.

- I'm the a**hole?

- I mean, you're both kind of a**holes.

- Stay out of this.

- Seriously.

Maybe you're the a**hole, Alice.

Oh, sh*t.

Excuse me, b*tch?

I'm a f***ing sweetheart.

Well, then why do you

insist on calling me Kiwi

even though I told you

it was culturally insensitive?

And why did you feel the need

to reach over and try to undo my seat belt

in the taxicab on the way here?

- Jesus Christ.

- Yeah.

That's an American bit.

We do it as a joke. Okay?

We all do it. Right?

Come on, say it.

- Alice!

- Oh, my God, stop it, please.

It's bad enough without

you two going at it.

And I thought your bridal shower

was a nightmare.

What are you talking about?

She didn't have a bridal shower.

No, she didn't.

You had a bridal shower?

Well, not really. I mean...

It was, like, work friends.

It wasn't a big deal.

But Blair went?

It wasn't even open bar.

What? It wasn't.

How could you not invite me?

Alice, please. Please, can we drop it?

Please. I'm telling you, it was just...

It was for Peter's family.

- It wasn't a big deal, man.

- Oh, Peter.

He is so annoying.

And I know why he doesn't like me.

'Cause he's, like, so freaking jealous.

Peter is not jealous of you.

Well, then, why would you not invite

your best friend to your bridal shower?

- Oh, my God, you really want to know why?

- Yes! I do!

Because I knew that if I invited you,

you wouldn't let me talk to anybody else.

That's why.

Okay? You monopolize my time

and then you make me feel guilty

about not spending time with you.

How can I win?

Are you kidding me?

I do not monopolize your time, Jess!

I just try to make the most of it,

'cause you don't even make

an effort to see me anymore.

- That's not true!

- It is true.

It is.

I'm sorry, but you are always at work,

or you're making plans with Peter.

Or you're

Skyping with other people.

I can't do your stupid f***ing accent.

- No, you can't.

- Yes, yes.

We're not in college anymore,

and things do change.

The only thing that's changed is you.

You've become obsessed

with your perfect new life

and your campaign and you ditched me.

Oh, I am sorry that I

don't want to talk about

the time that we got drunk

at O'Flaherty's 10 years ago!

Well, you know what?

I guess I never should have planned

such a nice weekend for you.

You know, you... God,

you are so ungrateful.

- Did you just say I was ungrateful?

- Yes!

You're an ungrateful person.

You didn't plan this weekend for me.

You planned this weekend for yourself,

so that you could post a bunch of photos

and not make your life seem so sad!

I'm sorry, Jess.

Uh...

I'll leave you...

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