Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #6

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this is very important.

You have to grip the handle firmly,

very firmly.

And I open it so slowly.

I turn the knob so slow

that you could literally hear

the spring inside recoiling.

Like coil by coil.

And you're like, "Shut the f*** up, door."

But you're the only one that can hear it.

And then when you get it unlocked,

you have to open it swiftly.

You have to push it open quick.

You can't do it slow, in case it goes:

Right? So, you gotta..

And then...

Then I reach around on the inside

and I grab the handle,

and then I close the door slowly,

and then:

Now I'm able to go to the toilet.

Now, when you get to the toilet, guys,

this is very important. You have to pee...

to the inside of the bowl.

Because you don't wanna make..

There's no sense you going through all

the tiptoeing and the...and she just..

You just hear:

You gotta..

You gotta..

You pee to the side of the bowl.

You don't wanna break water.

So, you pee to the inside of the bowl

so the pee just cascades into the water,

and there's no noise.

And then when I'm done, I take the seat

and the lid and I close it.

And then I flush, because I'm trying

to mute the noise as much as possible.

And then I stand there

and I wait until the tank refills.

Then, and only then,

do I head back to the bedroom.

I don't wash my hands.

First of all, I took a shower

right before I went to bed.

Second of all, it's my dick.

It wasn't dragging through mud.

Literally, a minute ago,

it was asleep on my balls. Just..

And just so you know, ladies,

nine times out of ten,

when a guy goes to the bathroom,

we don't even use our hands.

We pee like Superman. Just..

So, then I tiptoe my way back to bed,

and then when I get to the mattress,

I put my shoulder on it first.

You gotta put your shoulder on the bed.

And then I put one leg up, right?

So, I got an even distribution of weight

on the bed now, right?

And then I just do

this little jujitsu kind of roll.

I just.. I kind of roll my whole body

and then I roll onto the bed, and then:

And, bam, my arm ends up right around her.

And she has no clue that I left

and went to the bathroom.

And we do it that way, ladies,

because men respect a woman's sleep.

Now...

when a woman has to go to the

bathroom in the middle of the night,

she doesn't give a sh*t

if you haven't slept in four years.

If she gets woken up out of her sleep,

it's everybody's problem.

They don't wake up

and think, "I have to pee."

They wake up and go,

"Oh, my God! I gotta pee!"

And then she hurls the blankets.

Hurls the blankets off of her so violently

that they come right off of me

and I'm like, "I'm freezing right now."

And this beautiful, petite, little woman

leaps out of bed like a cat,

but lands like a hippopotamus, just...

She goes and finds her tap shoes

'cause she wants to make extra noise.

Then she gets to the bathroom,

the door handle slips out of her hand.

Slams the door, whack!

Gets into the toilet. Goes to lift seat,

it slips out of her fingers, whack!

Loudest noise in the world.

Then she sits down to pee.

Ladies, when you sit down to pee,

why can't you just sit down and pee?

Why do you have to sit down and go:?

And you ever heard a woman peeing?

It's the loudest thing you'll ever hear.

What are you, cutting concrete in there?

And then when she's done,

she goes to flush, but does half a flush.

And now you've gotta sit

through two flushes. And..

Then she goes to wash her hands

and she knocks over a glass, and then..

Now she's done.

And she storms back to the bedroom.

Storms back to the bedroom.

And she slams that bathroom door

behind her

so hard that it doesn't catch,

it just bounces back open.

And this a**hole left a light on in there.

So, now there's a beam of light

entering the bedroom.

And she's stomping her elephant ass back.

She's 110 pounds. I don't know

where all this weight's coming from.

Instead of getting back in the bed

like a normal human being?

No. She turns into f***ing Hulk Hogan

when she's coming back to bed.

"I'm coming back to bed, brother."

And she..

And she slams herself on the bed so hard

that my entire body bounces up.

And then I go, "Hey, is everything okay?"

"Oh, my God. Did I wake you?"

Yeah, b*tch. You woke everybody

on the northern hemisphere up.

How you doing, buddy?

-What is your name anyway?

-Kevin.

Kevin. Oh, yeah.

Kevin and Edward, the Chinese guys.

Good solid Chinese names.

What style of Asian are you, sir?

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Filipino.

-Filipino. Nice.

That's good. It's not a pep rally

for the Filipinos, it's just..

I was just in the Philippines.

Have you been?

-I have.

-Yeah.

I didn't know that Indian people

in the Philippines are such villains.

Do you know this?

In the Philippines, Indian..

They've vilified Indians so bad.

Like, you.. They literally use

Indian people as a threat

to get their kids to go to sleep.

They would be like,

"If you don't go to bed,

the bumbais will come in the nighttime.

And your blood will run down the streets."

How did we get such a shitty reputation

over there?

I see white people, but I don't see

real proper Canadian white people.

You know that I mean?

Where are the cakers? Where are you?

Sir? Yeah. Look. Yeah.

There you go. Yeah. That's..

There we go. Good. I miss you, guys.

I love when I come back home.

I've been gone for ten years.

And it's so weird,

because when you grow up..

You're born and raised here,

and you don't notice things about it

until you leave.

And I never really noticed

the Canadian accent until I left.

Now, when I come home,

that's all I f***ing hear.

And if you really think

about the Canadian accent,

it sounds smart and dumb

at the exact same time, doesn't it?

"Oh, Christ. Look at you, eh?" "Oh, yeah."

"Oh, yeah. Are you back in town?"

"No, it's a f***ing hologram

you're looking at, a**hole."

"Oh, no doubt, eh?

No doubt. No doubt, eh?"

"Oh, f***, yeah. No doubt."

"No, f***ing doubt. Oh!"

White people talk till they have

no breath. "F***ers, don't, don't! No!"

"No doubt, eh? F***. So, you're gonna

tape the new special, are you?"

"Oh, yeah. Right on. Right on."

I know you probably don't hear it,

even when I'm doing it.

Like, "He sounds normal to me."

But you really gotta pay attention.

Listen to a hockey player in an interview.

They always say

and sound the exact same way.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. No. We got out there

tonight and, uh, you know, coach says

we need to play more as a team

and, you know, push the puck around

and look for openings

and see the guys out there and, you know,

pretty much have a good game of hockey."

"No doubt. No doubt. Oh, yeah."

"No f***ing doubt, eh?" "Oh, heh, yeah."

You were born in Canada. Right, sir?

Hello?

Is your..?

Were your parents from Canada, too?

-Yes.

-Yes. That's the real Canadian.

That's.. That's some sh*t.

You should be like, "Yes!"

We live in a weird time. You realize that?

We live in a time where..

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