Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #7

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Like in.. Especially in the U.S.,

with their whole election sh*t going on.

They've made a big deal

out of race this year.

Which is weird. When Obama was in it,

they didn't mention race once.

They were like, "There's a black guy here.

Everybody keep their sh*t quiet."

Black dude.

Are you a black guy right there?

You might be a dark-ass Indian guy.

I don't know. I'm asking you.

Are you a black guy?

Hello?

Does the mike not reach that way?

Can you not...?

You're a black guy?

-Black and Indian guy.

-Black and Indian guy?

Okay. Well,

you got the best of both worlds.

You can run fast and spell great, so,

um...

That's a black guy right there.

Black dude. You're a black guy?

You know that? I don't think I need to...

-How old are you anyway?

-I'm 39.

Thirty-nine. See, you have to ask

a black person their age.

You always have to ask, 'cause

you can never guess a black person's age.

You will be wrong

100 percent of the time.

'Cause here's the thing with black people.

They stop aging at some point.

Their body goes, "F*** it.

This is as old as I'm gonna look."

But their insides keep aging, you know?

That's how you can tell

a black person's age. Ask them.

You hear it in their voice.

Their voice gets older.

And then their points of reference start

to get really obscure.

"What are you, like 40?"

"Uh-uh. Baby.

I ain't been 40 in about 45 years.

Sh*t. I know. That's right.

That make me wanna jitterbug."

Why the black community and the police

have a hard time,

'cause the cops could never describe

a black man properly.

Well, the suspect is a black male

between the age of 18 and 97.

Everything is race-based. You know?

And that's fine for me.

I made a living out of it.

But... when it hits the political side..

You got Donald Trump

saying crazy sh*t like:

"No more immigrants.

I'm gonna stop immigration."

I'm like, "Donald Trump,

if you stop immigration,

how are you gonna get another wife?"

Two out of his three wives

have been immigrants.

Two out of three.

You know, when people say "immigrant,"

they just picture this room.

They picture non-white people.

You hear "immigrant,"

you picture brown, black, Asian.

Brown, black, Asian.

That's all you picture.

Reassess that.

Start picturing white people.

Look at Greg. He looks like

a regular white guy, but has an accent.

You didn't see that coming.

You need to start picturing white people

with your immigrants,

because they look like

regular white people. What's your name?

Hello.

No, the white guy behind you, Asian guy.

The Asian guy's like,

"Me? My name is, uh...

not white guy."

-Dan.

-Dan.

Dan, you need to start picturing

white immigrants,

'cause they look just like you.

They look like regular white people,

but then they open their mouth

and no English. Nothing.

You can always tell

by looking at them, though.

Regular white Canadian or white Americans,

they always look bored.

It's in the body language.

They always look like:

Like nothing impresses them, you know?

But white immigrants,

you look at their body language.

"Electricity.

I can go bathroom indoors?

Who's going to clean the bucket?"

The good thing about my job

is I get to travel around the world

and see all kinds of things.

I've seen the whole world.

Is that your mom with you, Dan?

Hi, Mom. How are you?

How old are you, Mom?

Old enough to know better.

Old enough to know better.

And old enough to start to forget, but..

Um... Uh... Ahem.

But..

Everyone's like, "Russell!"

Hey, man, she started it.

Um...

I'm really immature, Ma, I apologize.

Have you..?

You're obviously retired, I would hope.

Um, do you travel at all?

Have you gone around the world at all?

-No.

-No, you gotta do it.

You gotta go. Take Dan with you

so he could f***ing stare at things.

I'm f***ing with you, Dan.

Sorry, buddy.

Let me tell you something.

I've been doing this 27 years.

Born and raised in Canada.

I've been in the U.S. for ten years.

I've seen the entire world

a few times now. It's round.

I don't know..

I don't know how old you are.

I don't know what you were taught,

but it's round now. It's confirmed.

Confirmed.

And, um...

It's a wonderful world we live in.

It's a great place.

And you gotta go and see it. You know?

Like, white people need to travel more.

I think that's an issue, you know?

By "travel more," I don't mean go to..

When I'm in the States and I ask:

"You travel?" "Yeah. All over."

"Where do you go?"

"Florida, New York, Seattle."

I'm like, "That's not f***ing traveling.

That's going in the country you live in."

Indian people try the same.

"Do you travel?"

"Oh, I travel all the time.

I go to India and back and..."

That's not traveling.

If you're Indian and you go to India,

that's not traveling.

That's going back

to where the f*** you came from.

I remember when I was a kid.

When my family was going to India,

it was the most hush-hush operation.

My dad would give me two days' notice.

"In two days, we're going to India.

Don't tell anybody." "Why not?"

"They'll want us to take a suitcase."

Having traveled the whole world,

this whole beautiful world of ours,

and seeing everything from his people to..

I haven't gone to Egypt yet, I'm waiting

for you guys to sort your sh*t out.

Um...

Been to China, been to Hong Kong,

been to Macao, been to the Philippines.

Been everywhere. Been to South Africa.

Not been to Italy.. Once, you know.

Had an itchy dick. The guy thought

I was talking to him. "Hey, hey, hey."

Having traveled the whole world, let me

tell you this. I realized something.

I can only live in North America.

And whether it's Canada or the U.S.,

doesn't bother me.

As long as I'm in this continent,

I'm good.

But if they were like,

"You can no longer live in North America.

You must leave immediately,"

the only other place I would consider

living would be Bombay, India.

And...

I love Bombay. It's one

of my favorite places in the entire world.

The reason I love Bombay

is because I love New York,

and Bombay reminds me of New York,

but with less Indian people in Bombay.

You gotta go to India, Mom.

You've gotta go to India. Trust me.

Before it's all over, go to India.

I'll tell you why you gotta go.

Because the five senses

that you were born with

have never been fully utilized...

...until you go to India.

And going to Brampton doesn't count.

I mean, India.

You go to India, you'll experience sight,

sound and smell in less than one minute.

You'll just be standing here..

Did a sheep just fart

and drive a train past me?

What the hell was that?

You gotta go. You gotta go to India.

Let's just say you go, right?

So, you go to Bombay.

I'll warn you in advance.

There's a lot of people there.

A sh*t ton of people.

It's not dangerous,

so you don't have to worry.

Say you get there and get freaked out,

you're like, "I'm staying in my room."

It's worth going there to just sit

in your hotel room and watch the news.

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