Saint John of Las Vegas Page #3

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I'm gonna still be

15 for 16 successful claims.

And you?

You? You'll still be you.

JOHN:

I don't even gamble.

No. No way.

You know, unless it's

a little something,

like a token.

'Cause otherwise,

what are you gonna do?

You go to work

every day like a...

You know they have

these swipe cards?

Can you believe that?

But if the odds

are right...

then, boom!

No more swipe card.

Bye-bye, swipe card!

I'm sorry.

We're here now,

and there's no need

to complicate things.

We're just relaxing

and having fun.

Yeah? Good times.

Good times.

Whoo! Heh heh.

Ten minutes should

give us enough charge.

They don't let you

bring cameras

inside strip clubs.

Well, I don't let them file

fraudulent insurance claims,

but they do it.

[# Curtis A. Jones:

Percolator]

# It's time

for the percolator #

# It's time

for the percolator #

# It's time

for the percolator #

# It's time

for the percolator... #

Five bucks.

For what?

Lunchtime cover.

Gets you a free drink.

What if I don't

want a drink?

It's five bucks.

# It's time

for the percolator #

# Percolator #

# It's time

for the percolator #

Five bucks.

# It's time

for the percolator #

[Indistinct chatter]

# Percolator #

VIRGIL:
Here we go.

[Indistinct chatter]

All righty.

That'll be

five bucks.

The guy said

I get a free drink.

Five bucks is my tip.

Heh.

So, what happened to you?

Some guy rear-ended me.

You okay?

Apparently not.

Well, I mean, you're not

paralyzed, right?

No. It's just...

Where are you from?

I'm from... Las Vegas.

I'm here, you know,

having lunch.

Las Vegas.

Are you a waitress here?

I am now.

I used to be

a prime-slot,

8:
00 to 10:00 P.M.

dancer.

Maybe you've

heard of me.

Tasty D. Lite?

No.

Yeah. This thing.

My boyfriend says

the insurance company

is gonna pay me,

but I don't know.

Your boyfriend know

you're a stripper?

Yeah. He works

for the government,

so, like, same thing.

Um, I could, uh...

use a dance.

If you're not busy.

I can't take your money.

This isn't sexy.

I had an ex-girlfriend

who was in a wheelchair.

I liked it.

Yeah?

I swear.

Can't.

See those steps up to

the champagne room?

That's where we do

our lap dances.

Oh. I could

wheel you up there.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Okay.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Grunting]

[Music playing,

woman moaning]

Uh, I only have 35.

35 is fine, sweetie.

Thanks for

the confidence boost.

Good work.

Where are your clothes?

Boy, you changed

so fast.

You got her...

commerce,

transaction paid for,

services rendered.

You know, I think

she's really hurt.

Don't do it, John.

No, I'm serious.

John...

she's a stripper

who likes to strip.

So, somebody

put her up to this,

and the faster she's

out of that wheelchair,

the faster she's back

to doing what she loves.

She had an accident.

She was driving,

and somebody

rear-ended her.

Rear-ended?

In the f***ing desert?

Textbook

squat-and-swoop.

I need 45 bucks.

It was five bucks

to get in,

five for a drink,

and the rest

for the dance.

They charged you

to get in?

Five bucks.

You get a receipt?

Give me my money!

Forty.

Okay, five.

Thanks.

Oh, I see what you mean

about this form.

It's really complicated.

What should I put down

about Tasty...

the stripper?

I didn't say

it was complicated.

No, I mean...

What should I put down?

VIRGIL:
You know

what you can do?

Navigate.

We're on highway 40.

Where's

the accident site?

JOHN:
It says, uh,

Kelbaker Road.

VIRGIL:

Kel-baker?

JOHN:
Kel-baker.

Kelba-ker.

Kelbaker.

Turn off the headlights!

Thank you.

Can I help you fellas?

We're just

passing through,

investigating

an accident.

Townsend Insurance,

LLC.

I don't think so.

This here is

the Nature Compound.

Nothing

artificial or...

mechanized

goes through.

You got a gun.

We use the minimum

technology required.

Shoes for our feet,

guns to ward off

foreign elements.

You've got a hat.

Right you are, my friend.

But you still

can't go through.

And if you proceed

through the gate,

we will use force

to stop you

from entering

the compound!

Of course, there is

the option of joining us.

Hats off!

You think

we're in trouble?

MAN:
Take 'em off!

No.

Hats off!

We have to turn back.

VIRGIL:
I'll see you

in the morning.

You can't be serious.

$80 per diem.

Find a hotel,

if you like.

JOHN:
What about them?

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello?

WOMAN:
Do you know

who this is?

JOHN:
Hello?

It's me.

Who's "me"?

Me.

Oh, me.

Heh. So, whatcha doin'?

JOHN:
Nothing.

I was thinking that...

you and I should be

girlfriend and boyfriend.

Do you like that?

Okay.

Wow, you don't sound

that into it.

I can't really talk.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me what's happening.

We're, uh...

investigating.

Really?

Yeah,

so I can't talk.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

Well, good luck.

Be careful.

Call me when you can.

I love you.

Okay.

Love you.

[Whispers]

Love you.

Yay. Ha ha!

Okay, secret agent man.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

[# Electronic music playing]

JOHN:
When I lived

in Vegas,

I used to have this dream.

Not every night,

but a lot.

Lately, I've been

having it again.

MAN:
Come up here,

Princeton!

Tell Jesus why you...

[People shouting]

Strip down!

No, you've got to

strip down naked!

Okay, okay!

Strip down naked

in the desert!

Ow!

Whoa. Sh*t.

You're not naked.

Neither are you.

You're on

national park land.

There's no vagrancy.

Or smoking!

Are you crazy?

Our warning index is orange...

medium to high.

We're trying to...

We're investigators.

Townsend Insurance,

LLC. Fraud division.

And sleeping

in your car?

We got stopped

last night

by some crazy

naked guys with guns.

Right over there.

Well, I was

on duty last night.

Didn't see a thing.

Yes, you did.

I'm gonna let you two go

with a warning.

Vagrancy isn't permitted

on federal land.

We don't want

any trouble.

No, f*** that. Don't back down to him.

Stand up to him

like you did the naked guys last night.

They backed down last

night from my man here.

No, f*** that.

F*** him up, John!

Do the thing, man. Do the... No, no.

Could you tell us where

the 1970 Buick Wildcat

was rear-ended last week?

You mean that nice

young schoolteacher

who hurt her neck?

Sure. Follow me.

What was that?

What do you mean,

what was that?

What was what?

VIRGIL:
So, now we're

following this nimrod?

He seemed

like a nice guy.

Yeah, you seem

like a nice guy.

I am a nice guy.

Yeah, you are.

What is

this bullshit act?

I'm the one

who got Tasty D. Lite.

I'm the one that

talked down the naked guy.

No, no. You asked

the naked guy

about his hat.

But naked guy

left us alone, didn't he?

The other naked guys

took off their hats, too.

I'm doing

all the heavy lifting.

You didn't get

Tasty D. Lite.

I got her for you.

I got every woman

in there

and the gay

bartender.

You mean

with that outfit?

"Look at me. I can dance

like James Brown."

[Scoffs]

So, what's with you

and Happy Face?

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