Same Time, Next Year Page #5

but always underwater.

Isn't that weird?

I think it probably has something

to do with my being pregnant.

Always underwater, huh?

Come on.

You tell me some deep,

dark secret about yourself.

I can't swim.

I'll start with

the good story about her.

You've never done that

before. You must be mellowing.

Doris, do you mind?

No, I don't mind.

We went to London,

and as we were checking

into the hotel,

there was a man in a formal

coat and striped pants...

standing at the front entrance of the hotel.

Helen handed him her suitcase

and breezed into the lobby.

The man followed her in and politely explained

that not only didn't he work at the hotel,

but that he was

the Danish ambassador.

And without batting an eye, Helen said,

"Well, that's marvelous! You can tell

us the good places to eat in Copenhagen."

And he did!

The point is,

it doesn't bother her at all...

if she makes

a total ass of herself.

I really admire that.

And what is it

that you don't admire?

It's that damn

sense of humor of hers.

Good. These are always

the stories I like best.

We'd been to a party,

and we'd had

a few drinks.

So we went to bed

and we started making love,

and nothing happened.

I mean, for me.

I mean, I couldn't-

Well, you get the picture.

Yeah. It was no big deal.

I mean,

we laughed about it.

Then about a half hour later,

just as I was going to sleep,

Helen turned to me

and said, "It's funny.

When I married a C.P.A., I always thought

it would be his eyes that would go first."

Well... she was just trying

to make you feel better.

Well, it didn't.

Some things aren't funny.

What I'm trying to say is the thing

that bugs me the most about Helen...

is that she broke

my pecker.

- You're impotent.

- Slightly.

That's five people

who know.

You, me, Helen and her mother.

Who's the fifth?

Chet Huntley. I'm sure her mother has

given him the bulletin for the 6:00 news.

Honey, when did this happen? Happen?

Doris, we're not talking

about a throughway accident.

You don't wake up one morning and say, "Shoot,

the family jewels have gone on the blink."

It's a gradual thing.

And how's Helen

reacting to it?

We haven't

discussed it much.

I got the impression she regards it as

a lapse in one's social responsibility.

Rather like letting your partner down

in tennis by not holding your serve.

I'll be all right.

The patient's not dead,

just resting.

Doris, that statement hardly

calls for congratulations.

No, I need help

getting up.

Is there anything I can say that

would make you feel any better?

You can say anything you want

except, "It's all in your head. "

I'm no doctor, but I have

a great sense of direction.

What shall we talk about?

Anything but sex.

How do you feel

being pregnant?

Oh, catatonic,

incredulous,

angry,

pragmatic and...

finally maternal.

Pretty much in that order.

Your vocabulary is improving.

Oh, you don't know.

You happen to be speaking

to a high school graduate.

No kidding. How come?

I was confined to my bed for the

first three months of my pregnancy,

so it shouldn't be a total loss,

I took a correspondence course.

You're really something,

you know that?

- There's kind of an ironic twist to all this.

- What?

I didn't graduate from high school

the first time because I got pregnant.

Now I did graduate from high

school because I got pregnant.

I don't know. That kind of

appeals to my sense of order.

Harry still selling

real estate?

No. Insurance.

He likes it, though.

Gives him a chance to look up

all his old army buddies.

Are you comfortable

in that position?

When you're in my condition, you're

not comfortable in any position.

Come on.

Sit over here.

Oh, that's good.

Now, tell me,

how are the kids?

They're fine. Michael just got

a job with the Associated Press.

Really? Oh, that's

terrific! Isn't that great?

Gee, I feel so proud of him.

What?

George, why are you

looking at me like that?

No reason.

I ju- It's too-

I was won- uh-

Fir-First I was try-

Nothing Forget it. It's all right.

Just, uh, tell me the

- tell me the other story about Harry.

You know.

George, what is it?

You're still doing it.

It's obscene!

What is?

When I touched you just now,

I started to get excited.

What kind

of a pervert am I?

Staring at a 200-pound pregnant

woman, and I'm getting hot.

Well, I'll

tell you something.

That is about the nicest thing

anybody's said to me in months.

It's not funny, Doris.

I really got to ya,

huh, fella?

Uh, would you

excuse me?

That's incredible! Are you

as good as I think you are?

How good do you think I am? Sensational.

I'm not as good

as you think I am.

But that piano's been sitting here for

10 years, and you've hardly touched it.

Why tonight?

It beats a cold shower.

You mean, you play

to relieve sexual tension?

You don't even get this good

without a lot of practice.

You're gonna be exhausted. That's the idea.

I've got a better idea.

Come on.

Doris

- Come on. It's all right. It'll be okay.

But-

But you can't-

Well, I know that.

Well, then how-

Well, we can work something out, can't we?

Oh.

What- What is it?

Aah For God's sake, what is it?

Doris, what the hell

is the matter?

If memory serves me correctly,

I just had a labor pain.

You can't have. It must be

indigestion. No. There's a difference.

Indigestion doesn't

make your eyes bug out.

You can't be in labor.

When- When's the baby due?

Not for another month, but-

Oh! Oh, my God! What have I done?

What have you done? I brought

this on with my selfishness.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. You

had nothing to do with it.

Doris, don't treat me like a child.

Will you stop getting excited?

Excited? I thought I had

problems with my sex life before.

Can you imagine what this is gonna

do to it? Just- Will you just-

Ohh. Oh,

I think I'd better lie down.

What kind of a man am I? What kind

of a man would do a thing like this?

May I say something? Doris, I

appreciate what youre trying to do,

but nothing you can say

would make me feel any better.

I'm not trying to make you feel

any better. I'm gonna have a baby.

I know that.

No. I mean now.

I have a history

of short labor.

Oh, no no, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

Oh, no no!

How do you feel?

Like I'm gonna

have a baby.

-Maybe it's a false alarm. It's a false alarm. That's all.

-No. No.

No. Now, just get a hold of yourself,

honey, and get on the phone...

and find out

where the nearest hospital is.

Hospital?

You wanna go to a hospital?

George,

like it or not,

I am going

to have a baby!

But we're not married.

That's going to look odd.

Will you get

on the phone, please,

and find out

where the hospital is!

- Well, where are you going?

- To the bathroom!

Why?

It's hard to explain.

Hello. Mr. Chalmers,

this is George.

Uh, where's

the nearest hospital?

Uh, well, it's- it's my wife.

Something unexpected came up.

She got pregnant, and now

she's gonna have the baby.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes