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Same Time, Next Year Page #7
her alone when you go to school?
No. Harry's home
a lot.
How does Harry feel about all this? Oh.
When I told him I wanted to go
back to school to get some identity,
he said to me, "You want identity,
go build a bridge, invent penicillin.
Just get off my back."
good head on his shoulders.
That was supposed to be
How's Helen?
Helen's fine,
just fine.
Hmm. Why dont you tell me a story that
shows how really rotten she can be?
That's not like you.
I know, but it seems like we need
something to bring us together.
I thought a really lousy story about
Helen would make you appreciate me more.
Okay. As you know, she has
By funny, I take it you
mean peculiar. Right.
And it comes out
at the most inappropriate times.
I had just signed this client
- very proper, very old money.
Helen and I were invited to his house
for cocktails with him and his wife.
Well,
it was all pretty awkward,
but we managed to get
through the drinks all right.
Then, as we were leaving, instead
of walking out the front door,
I walked
into the hall closet.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Anybody could've done that.
My mistake was
I stayed in there.
You stayed in the closet?
I wasn't sure anybody
had seen me go in. Aha.
there until they'd all gone away.
All right. Maybe
I didn't think things through.
I was there a minute before I realized
I had probably misjudged the situation.
And then when I came out, the three
of them were just staring at me.
Well, it was pretty awkward, but I probably
could've carried it off except for Helen.
- You know what she did?
- What?
She peed on the carpet.
She did what?
Well, not right away.
First,
she started to laugh.
Her face was all screwed up.
She was holding her sides.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks.
And then she peed all over the carpet.
What did you say?
I said, "You'll have to
excuse my wife.
Ever since her last pregnancy,
she's had a problem."
Then I offered
to have the rug cleaned.
- Did that help?
- No. They said they had a maid, and it wouldn't be necessary.
You think this is funny?
Listen.
I've been meaning to tell
you this for a long time.
I just love Helen.
Would she come off any worse
if I told you I lost the account?
Oh, George, when
did you get so stuffy?
Stuffy?
Yeah.
Am I stuffy because I don't like
my wife to urinate on my client's carpet?
Well, I didn't mean
just that, honey, but-
Well, look at you. You
just scream establishment.
I am not a faddist.
- What do you mean? - I mean I have no
desire to be those middle-aged idiots...
who walk around in bell-bottomed
trousers and Prince Valiant haircuts...
saying "ciao."
Well, I wasn't just talking about
fashion. I was talking about your attitudes.
My attitudes are the same as they
always were. I haven't changed at all.
Oh, yes, you have. You used to be
kind of, well, crazy and insecure...
and a terrible liar,
but awfully human.
Now you
- I don't know. You just seem so sure of yourself.
- That's the last thing I am.
- Oh, yeah?
I picked up one of Helen's magazines the
other day, and there was this article...
telling women what sort
It was called "The Big 'O."'
You know what really
got me about that?
This was a magazine my mother used
to buy for its fruitcake recipes.
Well, the times, in fact,
are a-changing, darling.
Too fast.
I don't know. Twenty,
thirty years ago, we had standards.
Maybe they were black and white,
but at least they were standards.
Now-
It's so confusing.
Well-
That's at least a step
in the right direction.
When did I suddenly
become so appealing?
When you went
from pompous to confused.
All right.
Now, tell me, sir.
What's your pleasure?
A walk by the ocean...
or a good book...
or...
me?
You. Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
What?
Doris, you're not
wearing a bra.
George,
you're so 40s.
I'm a very
old-fashioned man.
Next, you'll be telling
me you voted for Goldwater.
I did.
You're putting me on.
No. Of course not.
What are you doing?
If you think I'm going to bed with any
son of a b*tch who voted for Goldwater,
you're crazy.
Doris, don't do this to me. Not now.
How could you vote for
a man like that? Yuck!
Can we discuss this later?
No. We'll discuss it right now.
- Why did you vote for him?
- Because I have a son who wants to be a rock musician.
What kind of reason is that? The best
one I can come up with in my condition.
I'm sorry, George, you're gonna have
to do a whole lot better than that.
All right. He wanted to end the war,
okay? Sure, by destroying the country.
He never said that. That's the trouble
with you people. You never listen.
It's a civil war. We have no right
being there in the first place.
Oh, I'm so sick
We have the bomb. Why don't
we use it? Are you serious?
You're damned right I am. Wipe the
sons of b*tches off the face of the earth.
Oh, my God! I don't know anything about you!
- What kind of man are you?
- Right now, a very frustrated one.
All this time, I thought I was
going to bed with a liberal Democrat.
Wait a minute. You told
me you worked for Stevenson.
That was years ago. So what
happened? What changed you?
I grew up. Oh, yeah? Well,
as far as I'm concerned,
you didn't
turn out too hot.
Let's just forget it, huh?
I mean, being stuffy and old-fashioned is
one thing, but being a fascist is another.
I am not a fascist! Well,
you're advocating mass murder!
Let's just drop it. No, I'm not
- I'm not going to drop it.
You stand for everything
that I'm against.
Maybe youre against the wrong things.
But you used to believe as I do.
Now, what happened?
I changed!
But why? Because Michael was killed!
How?
He was helping a wounded man onto a Red
Cross helicopter, and a sniper killed him.
When?
We got word during
a Fourth of July party.
Helen went
completely to pieces.
that I'd feel it later, you know?
I never did.
I've never shed a tear.
All I've ever been able
to feel is blind anger.
I never shed a tear.
Isn't that something?
He was my son.
I love him.
And for the life of me...
I can't seem
to cry for him.
Oh.
Doris, I'm sorry.
No.
About-
About everything.
I've been a bit
on edge lately.
Just seems
to be one damn-
Dreams make promises!
They can't keep!
They can swindle you!
While you sleep!
And the morning
Finds you!
Wondering why!
It seems!
When we're young
in dreams we trust!
Maybe growing up
is just!
Kissing certain dreams!
Good-bye!
You know, it's amazing how good
it can be after 21 years, isn't it?
Well, if you add up all the times
we actually made it together,
we're still
on our honeymoon.
Did I tell you I'm a grandmother? No.
weird time to announce it.
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"Same Time, Next Year" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/same_time,_next_year_17395>.
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