Same Time, Next Year Page #7

her alone when you go to school?

No. Harry's home

a lot.

How does Harry feel about all this? Oh.

When I told him I wanted to go

back to school to get some identity,

he said to me, "You want identity,

go build a bridge, invent penicillin.

Just get off my back."

I always said Harry had a

good head on his shoulders.

That was supposed to be

the bad story about him.

How's Helen?

Helen's fine,

just fine.

Hmm. Why dont you tell me a story that

shows how really rotten she can be?

That's not like you.

I know, but it seems like we need

something to bring us together.

I thought a really lousy story about

Helen would make you appreciate me more.

Okay. As you know, she has

this funny sense of humor.

By funny, I take it you

mean peculiar. Right.

And it comes out

at the most inappropriate times.

I had just signed this client

- very proper, very old money.

Helen and I were invited to his house

for cocktails with him and his wife.

Well,

it was all pretty awkward,

but we managed to get

through the drinks all right.

Then, as we were leaving, instead

of walking out the front door,

I walked

into the hall closet.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

Anybody could've done that.

My mistake was

I stayed in there.

You stayed in the closet?

I wasn't sure anybody

had seen me go in. Aha.

I guess I figured I'd stay in

there until they'd all gone away.

All right. Maybe

I didn't think things through.

I was there a minute before I realized

I had probably misjudged the situation.

And then when I came out, the three

of them were just staring at me.

Well, it was pretty awkward, but I probably

could've carried it off except for Helen.

- You know what she did?

- What?

She peed on the carpet.

She did what?

Well, not right away.

First,

she started to laugh.

Her face was all screwed up.

She was holding her sides.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

And then she peed all over the carpet.

What did you say?

I said, "You'll have to

excuse my wife.

Ever since her last pregnancy,

she's had a problem."

Then I offered

to have the rug cleaned.

- Did that help?

- No. They said they had a maid, and it wouldn't be necessary.

You think this is funny?

Listen.

I've been meaning to tell

you this for a long time.

I just love Helen.

Would she come off any worse

if I told you I lost the account?

Oh, George, when

did you get so stuffy?

Stuffy?

Yeah.

Am I stuffy because I don't like

my wife to urinate on my client's carpet?

Well, I didn't mean

just that, honey, but-

Well, look at you. You

just scream establishment.

I am not a faddist.

- What do you mean? - I mean I have no

desire to be those middle-aged idiots...

who walk around in bell-bottomed

trousers and Prince Valiant haircuts...

saying "ciao."

Well, I wasn't just talking about

fashion. I was talking about your attitudes.

My attitudes are the same as they

always were. I haven't changed at all.

Oh, yes, you have. You used to be

kind of, well, crazy and insecure...

and a terrible liar,

but awfully human.

Now you

- I don't know. You just seem so sure of yourself.

- That's the last thing I am.

- Oh, yeah?

I picked up one of Helen's magazines the

other day, and there was this article...

telling women what sort

of orgasms they should have.

It was called "The Big 'O."'

You know what really

got me about that?

This was a magazine my mother used

to buy for its fruitcake recipes.

Well, the times, in fact,

are a-changing, darling.

Too fast.

I don't know. Twenty,

thirty years ago, we had standards.

Maybe they were black and white,

but at least they were standards.

Now-

It's so confusing.

Well-

That's at least a step

in the right direction.

When did I suddenly

become so appealing?

When you went

from pompous to confused.

All right.

Now, tell me, sir.

What's your pleasure?

A walk by the ocean...

or a good book...

or...

me?

You. Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

What?

Doris, you're not

wearing a bra.

George,

you're so 40s.

I'm a very

old-fashioned man.

Next, you'll be telling

me you voted for Goldwater.

I did.

You're putting me on.

No. Of course not.

What are you doing?

If you think I'm going to bed with any

son of a b*tch who voted for Goldwater,

you're crazy.

Doris, don't do this to me. Not now.

How could you vote for

a man like that? Yuck!

Can we discuss this later?

No. We'll discuss it right now.

- Why did you vote for him?

- Because I have a son who wants to be a rock musician.

What kind of reason is that? The best

one I can come up with in my condition.

I'm sorry, George, you're gonna have

to do a whole lot better than that.

All right. He wanted to end the war,

okay? Sure, by destroying the country.

He never said that. That's the trouble

with you people. You never listen.

It's a civil war. We have no right

being there in the first place.

Oh, I'm so sick

of hearing that liberal crap.

We have the bomb. Why don't

we use it? Are you serious?

You're damned right I am. Wipe the

sons of b*tches off the face of the earth.

Oh, my God! I don't know anything about you!

- What kind of man are you?

- Right now, a very frustrated one.

All this time, I thought I was

going to bed with a liberal Democrat.

Wait a minute. You told

me you worked for Stevenson.

That was years ago. So what

happened? What changed you?

I grew up. Oh, yeah? Well,

as far as I'm concerned,

you didn't

turn out too hot.

Let's just forget it, huh?

Oh, I'm not gonna forget it!

I mean, being stuffy and old-fashioned is

one thing, but being a fascist is another.

I am not a fascist! Well,

you're advocating mass murder!

Let's just drop it. No, I'm not

- I'm not going to drop it.

You stand for everything

that I'm against.

Maybe youre against the wrong things.

But you used to believe as I do.

Now, what happened?

I changed!

But why? Because Michael was killed!

How?

He was helping a wounded man onto a Red

Cross helicopter, and a sniper killed him.

When?

We got word during

a Fourth of July party.

Helen went

completely to pieces.

I thought I was in shock and

that I'd feel it later, you know?

I never did.

I've never shed a tear.

All I've ever been able

to feel is blind anger.

I never shed a tear.

Isn't that something?

He was my son.

I love him.

And for the life of me...

I can't seem

to cry for him.

Oh.

Doris, I'm sorry.

No.

About-

About everything.

I've been a bit

on edge lately.

Just seems

to be one damn-

Dreams make promises!

They can't keep!

They can swindle you!

While you sleep!

And the morning

Finds you!

Wondering why!

It seems!

When we're young

in dreams we trust!

Maybe growing up

is just!

Kissing certain dreams!

Good-bye!

You know, it's amazing how good

it can be after 21 years, isn't it?

Well, if you add up all the times

we actually made it together,

we're still

on our honeymoon.

Did I tell you I'm a grandmother? No.

But I think you picked a

weird time to announce it.

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