Saturday Morning Mystery Page #4

in the morning, I'm sorry.

I just cannot do it. FLOYD:

Hey, my sh*t's in that van.

I'm gonna leave.

Don't be a p*ssy.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, what? Okay.

All right, okay.

Maybe there is something.

I'm not... I'm not saying

that there is,

but what if there is?

What if there is,

and what if we find it

and record it

and can verify it?

Floyd!

What if we can do that?

And that would

be worth so much more.

It's not about money.

This is not

about money right now.

Okay, it's not about money.

What is the one thing

you told me you've wanted

ever since

you were a kid, huh?

The one thing?

Uh, antifreeze.

He wants antifreeze

for his vagina.

That you wanted

to see a ghost.

And now,

it's a possibility.

Are you seriously telling me

that you're willing

to just give it up right now

when you're so close?

I mean...

GWEN:
Please stay.

Okay.

Remember when it used

to be just me and you?

I mean, it was us.

Is this

about me and Chad?

Come on, Gwen.

Or is it about Floyd?

Because

I warned you about him.

Okay, well, I warned

you about Chad.

Yeah, but Chad and I

are still together.

Yeah, I am painfully

aware of that.

Guess we've gone

a little Scooby-Doo.

We used to be more

like The Galloping Ghost.

Mm-hmm.

Two girls conquering

the world's unsolved mysteries.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you

never watched television.

I don't.

(VIDEO MONITORS BUZZING)

(BUZZ)

(BUZZING)

(BUZZING)

(DISTORTED VOICE,

GROWLING)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Why

don't you give me a treat?

I fed Hamlet.

(LAUGHS

LIKE SCOOBY-DOO)

He was hungry.

Mmm,

this tastes good.

(SINISTER TONE) Why don't

you give me a treat?

Are you okay?

(PANTING)

I'm a good boy.

Nancy's my favorite,

but Floyd feeds me,

'cause I'm a good boy.

I'm a good boy!

Scratch me.

Just behind my ear,

it's my spot.

Want to go chase a car?

I like chasing cars.

F*** you!

(BARKS)

(GROWLING)

(HAMLET WHINES)

(BARKS)

Don't f***in' touch me.

(LAUGHS)

I'm cool, man.

I'm cool, I'm cool.

Don't you

f***in' touch me.

I'm cool, man.

Don't.

(LAUGHS) I'm cool, I'm cool,

I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.

(LAUGHS) I'm cool.

I'm cool, man.

Okay.

Whoo, all right,

I am feeling

a little buzzy

from that cig.

Yeah, we never

should have quit.

No kidding.

Help me up.

CHAD:
F***!

Oh, my God, did...

Oh, my God.

Well, we have light.

We have light.

Give me that.

Is Chad upstairs?

I...don't think so.

We did not turn

on the lights.

This guy is

f***in' possessed!

Oh, come on.

The lights

came on somehow

that had nothing

to do with us!

I'm not possessed

It was a joke.

I'm telling you, this place

is f***ing haunted, man!

We came to

a f***in' haunted house!

This is a real

f***ing haunted house!

GWEN:
Chad, chill out

it's okay.

I'm telling you, man,

this is a f***ing crazy place.

NANCY:
Floyd, did you

turn the electricity on?

FLOYD:
No...

Yeah, okay, look.

It's just a joke.

We're just gonna calm down,

and we're gonna go upstairs.

Someone turned the lights on,

it wasn't us.

We're gonna figure out

who it was.

Oh, God!

Maybe it was a ghost.

God!

Wouldn't that be interesting,

if it was a ghost?

Come on.

NANCY:
I need you

to tell me right now,

are you f***ing

with him again?

I need you to tell me.

No.

Don't be scared, Chad.

Hey, Floyd,

suck my f***in' cock.

He's just a scaredy-cat.

Floyd, are you

f***ing with him?

Yeah.

You're f***ing with him?

Yeah, totally.

Don't f*** with him.

It's funny, though.

(LAUGHING)

But I didn't

turn on the lights.

(TICKING)

(FEEDBACK)

(MUFFLED CRASH)

Did you hear that?

GWEN:
Nope.

I heard something.

That's the window

the kids fell out of.

Man.

Sances are weird.

You know, they get all

these leaves from someplace.

It's like, they just want

to connect with something.

That's

the same paraphernalia

from that '74 incident

in Munich.

These kids aren't

f***ing around.

They bring in this stuff,

and they sit there,

and they actually chant.

They actually call up

something evil.

No, they just want

to connect with stuff.

I love that you know

about these things,

and I also...

I love that you can

feel things, Chad, you know?

Because I don't feel

that stuff.

I wish I did that.

I don't do that.

I'm always thinking,

you know?

I just want to feel things.

And you don't think.

You're not always thinking

all the time, like me.

You know,

I'm always in my mind.

I don't feel.

I don't just like...

feel things.

You feel things.

No, I don't.

No, cold spots.

Hot spots, right?

See, you walk into

a room in this house,

and it's like somebody

turned up the thermostat.

(LAUGHS)

You know, I start...

I start sweating, and, uh,

as I have these, like, heart

palpitations or something.

And it's just like,

there's just something...

There's... There's something

really significant going on.

You know, I just want to feel

like I'm inside of this place.

I just want to be close.

I just want to love.

Oh, I just want to be

so close to it.

I want to be like an insect,

and all of my six legs

are gonna gonna touch

the whole inside

of this house.

(LIGHTS CLICK OFF)

Uh...

What...

(BOTH MOANING)

(DRIPPING)

(WOMAN FAINTLY SINGING

AND TALKING)

(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLING)

It's just kids. Ahem.

FLOYD:
There ain't sh*t

going on.

(FAINT MOANING SOUNDS)

All right.

Put some music on.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GWEN WHISPERING)

All the virgins

in all the stories,

all the virgins,

they were sacrificed.

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Pull it tighter.

Look at me.

(LAUGHING)

GWEN:
Whoo.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

# I've got this feeling

# You've got the tools

(SONG CONTINUES

INDISTINCTLY)

(CREAKS, CRASHES)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(HOUSE SETTLING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GWEN MOANING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

That's a party.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Come on!

Creepy sh*t!

Creepy sh*t!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Chad, you look

like you're on fire.

(FLAMES WHOOSH)

FLOYD:

Chad, you all right?

(GASPS)

FLOYD:

There was a creep.

Nance,

what the f***?

FLOYD:

Ah, f***!

What the f***?

Stupid f***ing c*nt!

Hey, man, tell me there was

a f***in' ghost or demon

who set

my f***in' van on fire!

No, I was going

up there to tell you guys

there was something

in the f***ing room!

Why the f***

did you do that?

I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry.

You're completely right.

It is all my fault, and I

am a stupid f***ing c*nt.

No, you can't

talk to Nancy like that.

You used my f***ing

equipment and my van

to try and disprove

something I believe in,

so I'm the big

f***ing joke tonight!

I'm gonna make it right!

I'm gonna fix it!

Good, you should!

Okay! You guys

need to calm down!

GWEN:
Look,

it's not your fault.

NANCY:
Yes, it is my fault,

and I'm really sorry.

CHAD:
You f***ing try

to disprove it every day!

You are making

a f***ing joke of me!

I'm a big f***ing joke!

Everyone

thinks it's hilarious.

Would you listen to me?!

I'm gonna make it better!

CHAD:
No!

Hey, guys?

Hey, guys! Hey!

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