Saturday Morning Mystery Page #5

(NANCY AND CHAD SHOUTING)

Hey!

You're not a joke!

Hey!

So when I was working

on the van

and you guys were

chatting with the cop,

I got rid of my stash.

I threw my pipe

in the cooler,

and I put my bag of acid

in this Thermos.

NANCY:
F***, Floyd.

GWEN:
I filled that

with water.

We're on acid, Floyd?!

It's cool.

It's okay!

It's okay!

It's low-grade stuff!

It means

we're tripping balls!

Okay, okay, okay.

We're just seeing sh*t!

Look, look.

That's all it means!

This is good news!

So what you're telling

me is that the van

could potentially not be on

fire out there right now?

No, I'm not saying that.

The van's on fire.

I'm saying you guys

are tripping balls,

and it's cool... No, no!

F***ing a**hole!

FLOYD:
Hey! Hey!

No!

CHAD:

You have f***ed me!

FLOYD:
You have

f***ing lost it, man!

Don't f***ing touch me!

You need to calm down!

You're a whore, okay?

You guys just need to calm down.

What?

It's low-grade sh*t.

You're a whore.

I'm gonna

f***ing kill you

before the night's

over, man!

No, you guys

are tripping!

Motherf***er,

I will f***ing kill you

if you come

near me again!

All right.

F***ing a**hole.

I'm out.

What did you

call me, Chad?

I called you a whore.

I'm gonna assume this is

coming out of... you're upset?

No, it's coming out

of you being a whore.

Don't you ever

call me that again.

I'm gonna go get

our clothes now,

and when I get back,

I expect an apology.

God damn you!

(CHAD GROANS)

F***!

F***!

(SHUDDERS)

Nancy.

Floyd.

Look, f*** Chad.

He's a dumb-ass.

He doesn't know sh*t.

Just go back inside, okay?

I don't even know why

you're coming out here.

Look, I'm sorry

about the van.

I'm sorry

about the van.

I'm sorry

about the acid.

(LAUGHS)

You're just fli...

You're flipping out.

You're just tripping.

It's cool, calm down.

Okay, I just don't know

why you're out here.

I just want you

to go back inside, okay?

I just want to be

out here by myself.

What are you doing?

I'm standing here.

I'm gonna sleep

in the f***ing fountain.

(LAUGHS)

You're not gonna sleep

in the fountain.

Yeah, I am. I'm gonna

sleep in the fountain.

All right, then

I'm gonna stay with you.

No, don't stay with me.

I don't need you to stay

with me, all right?

I don't even know

why you would want to.

I'm f***ing

everything up.

Everyone is here

because of me.

Everything is my fault.

Look, I'm here

because of you.

Yeah.

Don't.

I know that sucks,

but I'm here 'cause of you.

It's okay.

Will you calm down?

It's gonna be fine.

Just concentrate

on my voice.

Just calm down.

(LAUGHING)

See? Just have fun.

Just have fun.

It's okay.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

Well, I predicted it,

didn't I?

Yeah.

I mean, I didn't know.

Like, it just seemed like...

You didn't know?

I told you this place was dangerous.

I know.

And now we're here,

and we're stuck here.

But you get

that feeling a lot, Chad.

Like, I can't believe that every

single time you get a feeling.

I made it a big deal.

I made it clear.

Yeah.

So we're stuck.

I know.

Look, what

are we doing here?

I don't know, I mean,

I think

we're gonna try to...

Gwen.

We're gonna...

What we're gonna do

is we're gonna... walk.

I mean, that's what we...

We have each other.

It's gonna be fine.

We're gonna get

the van fixed.

This is bullshit,

okay?

I know.

This is bullshit.

What?

What is this?

What is... What is what?

What we have.

Chad,

you're my boyfriend.

You're my lover.

I'm the money.

You're my...

Yeah, I can't do this.

I don't know,

you're doing pretty good.

No, not this. This.

I can't do this anymore.

The group.

I can't do it anymore.

I quit.

You quit?

Yeah, I quit.

What the f***

are you gonna do?

I don't know, I'm gonna

do something else.

You can't do

something else.

Well, I know that, because

I'm not good at anything.

No, there's

no such thing as ghosts,

and you're really good

at not finding them.

Well, I want to be really good

at finding something.

Okay.

You gotta

take me with you.

Floyd. Look, I know,

I know, I know.

I know, I know.

Look, I don't care

about any of this.

I don't care

about any of this.

I only care about you.

Aw.

And Hamlet. I don't care

about any of this stuff.

I... I just...

Just take me with you.

I don't know, Floyd.

Come on, no, no, no.

Come on.

I don't know.

I don't know if we

can do this again.

No, I won't... I...

Is that a car?

Floyd, that's a car.

Tell me you have

a Slim Jim in that bag.

I totally have

a Slim Jim in this bag.

CHAD:
I cannot tell

what's real anymore.

I have just

entered this home,

where I actually felt something

that I really wanted to feel,

and I don't know

if it was real or not.

Look, I know I've just

taken a tab of acid,

and I've

never done it before,

but I don't know.

Now we've gotten...

Look where we've

gotten with this.

Chad...

are you breaking up

with me?

I can't lose you, Chad,

okay?

You're like... You make me

feel like a full person.

I don't

always feel that way.

And I really...

I didn't mean

to cheat on you.

I'm sorry.

Look, this probably isn't

the right forum for this.

Chad, I love you.

I love you.

I'm just gonna lie

down with this dog,

because he loves me

unconditionally,

and he's beautiful, and he

doesn't cheat on me, either.

Mm, I love you, Hamlet.

CHAD:
Can you confirm that this

dog is eating a human hand?

(GWEN SCREAMS)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

You got it?

CHAD:
Floyd!

What?!

Over here!

Where'd this come from?

We found a hand.

We found a human hand.

You found a what?

You're tripping balls, man.

We got a car, though.

Hamlet got it.

Hamlet?

We got a car.

GWEN:
It was in his mouth.

I got this, though.

I got this.

Where did this come from?

Hey, Hambone.

GWEN:
Whose car is this?

CHAD:

Can you get in?

Floyd!

Oh. We gotta get

the f*** out of here, man!

We have got to get

the f*** out of here!

Floyd, you gotta

get that open!

Hang on, hang on!

(LOCK POPS)

I got it!

I got it, I got it,

I got it!

Oh, yeah, man!

Open the back,

please!

You got

a Slim Jim in that bag,

and you don't

have a knife.

NANCY:

We don't have a knife.

Did anybody find

the f***ing keys?

CHAD:

Don't focus on the keys,

focus on hotwiring the car.

Yeah, I can hotwire

the car, Chad.

Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan.

The guy from the bank.

What, do you need,

a f***ing screwdriver?

FLOYD:
Where the f*** are the keys?

NANCY:
The guy from the bank.

Where the f*** is he?

Yeah, where is he?

'Cause we'd really

like to use his car.

Floyd,

pop the trunk, please.

F***! Oh, damn it.

Okay, Floyd,

pop the trunk, please.

Pop the trunk, Floyd!

I don't know where it is!

Floyd, pop the trunk!

Stop f***ing yelling.

(GASPS)

FLOYD:
You found pliers?

NANCY:
Yeah.

Hey, guys...

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys, I think the

banker's in the trunk.

What?

CHAD:
I think

the banker's in the trunk.

F*** you.

(VOMITING)

Oh, f***, man.

(CHAD VOMITING)

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