Sausage Party Page #3

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- Hi, I'm Brenda. Brenda Bunsen.

Oh, wow. Really?

Well, f*** all of you!

I am Kareem Abdul Lavash!

And what I currently care about

is that I have been...

completely and utterly f***ed

out of being in the Great Beyond.

I am to have 77 bottles

of extra-virgin olive oil...

waiting for me.

I am destined to soak up

their sweet juices...

as they dribble down my flaps.

Okay. Look, guys, here's what

I'm thinking. We hurry back to our aisles.

We sneak into another package and

still be fresh enough to get chosen.

Okay, let's climb

to the top of the shelf here. And...

then we'll get a lay of the land...

and we'll figure out

where we're going. Come on.

As long as the bagel

stays away from me, I accept.

Oh, believe me, a**hole,

I'll keep my distance.

Oh!

No disrespect,

but you look f***ing gross, bro.

Look at you.

F***ing bent-ass, busted-ass nozz.

Oh, great.

You're leaking all your juice out.

Can I ask you a question, me?

Why would a god let you

up in her smooth, perfect sliz...

when you can't even squirt?

You got nothing to squirt!

I got no purpose.

I'm nothing!

Oh, God.

Is someone there?

Help me, someone.

Help me. Help me.

Help.

What's up, little juicy box?

You're leaking too, eh, bro?

And right out of your f***ing dingle.

F***ing sucks, right?

Dying. So cold.

Oh. Uh-oh.

- Light bulb.

- Yes?

No, not f***ing you, dummy.

I think I might be forming

some beginnings...

of what could be the flower

that blossoms into an idea.

If you f***ing tell anyone about this,

I'm gonna deny it, bro.

F***. This is some next-level sh*t, dude.

You f***ing like that?

I'm juicing up!

I'm like a full-on juicehead now, bro.

I got a new purpose now.

Revenge!

Where's that f***ing sausage?

Because this douche is DTFSU.

Down to f*** a sausage up!

I'm coming for you!

First you come into our aisle

and occupy more and more shelf space.

You even have settlements now on

the west shelf that you claim as your own.

Oh, look, it's not our fault

we needed a homeland.

The sauerkraut kicked us out

of every decent aisle.

They tried to send us to

the barbeque section, for God's sake.

- We were displaced.

- Don't you talk to me about displacement!

My good friend Tabouli

was ousted from his shelf...

just to make room

for that braided idiot, Challah.

Wow, I can't... Frank, Brenda, come on,

are you guys gonna weigh in here?

I mean, whose side are you on?

This isn't just about me. I mean,

first they come for the bagels...

I don't know. Isn't there room for both

of you? It seems like a pretty big aisle.

- Yeah. Both, sure.

- What a dumb sausage!

Like we can coexist!

- That's good material.

- Room for both of us!

Holy sh*t.

Holy fucksticks.

We are "ray-ray" far from home.

Liquor aisle.

Firewater.

From here, it seems like the best route

is probably to go through the liquor aisle.

So shall we?

What? It kind of seems out of the way.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Totally sure.

Okay, because the way you're saying it

doesn't sound like you're too confident.

- Oh. Uh, yeah, trust me.

- Oh, okay, there we go.

Who wants to dance now!

Come on, let's rock!

Kegger!

Holy sh*t. Look at this place.

It's f***ing crazy!

Are you seeing this? They're all out

of their packages. What are they doing?

This is a place of unparalleled sin!

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Didn't see you there. Sorry.

Don't mind me. Just minding

my own business. Just passing through.

Hey, bun!

Welcome to the aisle. Wanna dance?

No, thank you, mon. I'm quite irie...

just being left alone over here,

don't you know?

Oh, boy. That was Irish.

Holy sh*t!

What a crazy coincidence!

This is Firewater's cave!

This is what Honey Mustard

was talking about. We should go.

Okay, yeah, great.

You go do that.

I'll just be out here

dry-humping this 40-ouncer.

Not! Yeah, I said "not."

That's how serious I am. We can't piss the

gods off any more than we already have.

Okay, I totally get

you don't wanna go in there.

I'll tell you what. I'll go in super-duper

fast, in and out, I'll be five minutes.

Fine. Five minutes. Be fast.

And careful.

- Mostly fast. We have to go.

- Thank you. You're the best.

I'll meet you at the end of the aisle.

- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Hiya, how are ya

Hiya, how are ya

Hiya, how are ya

Hiya. How are ya?

I'm Frank. Are you Firewater?

- Mm-hm.

- What are you doing in this cave?

I am the original inhabitant

of this land.

My kind once had a pristine aisle.

Majestic and untouched.

Then we were driven out of it...

by a bunch

of goddamn f***ing crackers!

Oh, yeah. The crackers.

They do have a nice aisle.

Okay, anyway, look. I was told that

you might have some answers?

Answers I have.

But first...

I must know the question.

Okay. Well, before I saw him

jump to his death...

Honey Mustard said the Great Beyond

is bullshit and the gods are monsters.

And I always kind of thought

that it didn't quite add up.

So I guess my question is, what really

happens in the Great Beyond?

To find that which you seek...

all you must do is look deep...

into my bag of wonderment.

Whoa.

I don't see anything.

Deeper.

Deeper.

Put your whole head in the bag there.

There you go.

Just say when.

I'm just gonna keep going in.

Guys! Get out here!

Help me kill this prick.

This motherf***er knows

too much. We gotta off his ass!

Someone hand me

a blade. I'll gut this cocksucker!

No! If we kill him,

we are no better than the gods.

Ah... He is right.

Take off the bag of wonderment.

Who are you?

We the nonperishables, motherf***er.

We never expire.

We are...

immortal.

This here's Twink and Grits.

They call me Mr. Grits.

Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.

- You told him about the crackers?

- Yeah, I told him.

You don't even wanna hear

what they did to Mr. Grits over here.

F*** the crackers.

I'm gonna f*** them crackers right

in the crack of they cracker asses.

Cracker-ass crackers.

Why kill me?

All I did was ask what happens...

in the Great Beyond.

Jeez! What's the big whoop?

We can't tell this sausage motherf***er

the truth. We just met his ass.

He basically knows it already.

Maybe it's time to end this.

I am tired of all of the lies.

Prepare yourself.

For you're about to learn...

the terrible truth. Does anybody

want a hit before we get into this?

- Twink?

- Nah, I'm cool.

- Sh*t, if we smoking, I'll hit it.

- That's what I thought.

Pass the weed, motherf***er.

Goddamn!

- This indica?

- Nah, man. Sativa.

It's good sh*t. Clean high.

Oh, no, thanks.

Trust me. What you're about to hear,

you'll want some.

Fifty-five minutes.

I know. Where is he?

Wa-ha-ha.

Looks like you got ditched, bun. Ha-ha.

He wouldn't ditch me, dumbass.

He's my boyfriend. I mean...

we touched T-I-Ps. Ha-ha-ha.

We touched tips

Just the tips

Oh, we touched our tips

Sorry, I don't know why I'm singing.

Sometimes I get nervous

And I'll sing!

Maybe that's why he ditched you.

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