Saving Silverman Page #12

...so why not leave me the hell alone?

I don't mean to be pushy...

...but if this relationship|is gonna get serious...

...I have to give up becoming a nun...

...and I'd have to decide soon...

...because my final vows|are on Sunday.

Yeah, that thought had occurred to me.

And if I do that...

...I need to know that|you want marriage and a family.

Absolutely.

I never thought I'd say this to anyone|after Luigi died, but...

...I love you, Darren.

I love you too, Judith.

-Judith?!|-I mean Sandy.

I mean, let's dance. Okay?

You're out of here.

Put me down! I haven't ordered yet!

Time for an attitude|adjustment, mister.

Hey, nice move.

Damn, he's good.

Darren!

Oh, my God!

Oh, jeez. Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

It was a little weird.

-What's going on?|-I can explain.

It's aversion therapy. Wayne was|trying to help me get over Judith...

...so I had these things-- Nipples--

Oh, my God.|It's so much worse than I thought.

No, you're obviously not ready|for this relationship.

No, I am! Sandy, wait!

Okay.

Damn it!

Wait, wait.

Wait, Sandy!

Oh, my God!

Darren. What happened to you?

-I ran here from the club.|-That's 30 miles!

Yeah, I know. I wanted to say...

...I'm sorry. I'm sorry.|Can you ever forgive me?

Because the whole Judith thing|and the nipple clamps...

-...it's crazy, and--|-Yes!

-Really?|-Yes.

Just like that?

Well, I am training|to become a nun, you know.

Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.

I love you.

-Really?|-I love you.

-I love you.|-Oh, love. Love.

-Happy?|-You didn't have to do that.

I just happened to be by Arby's.|They were throwing out old food...

...so, you know, I thought, "Why not?"

Either way, that's nice of you.

I was wondering:

-Why Darren?|-What do you mean?

You don't seem the type to go|for a sensitive guy like Darren.

You seem more the kind of woman|that needs an assertive type of guy.

Before I met Darren, I was--

I was engaged to a guy like that.

His idea of fun was to fly to Thailand|to fight in a kickboxing tournament.

U.S.A.! Go, Josh!

After that,|I decided no more tough guys.

Yeah, and then you found Darren.

Yeah.

-So do you even love him?|-There's different types of love.

I knew it!

Sometimes you make rational decisions.|You can't always follow your heart.

Yeah, whatever.

I will admit there's something sexy|about a man who takes charge.

Like you kidnapping me.

That took balls.

Big balls.

I gotta say it turned me on.

It did?

Oh, my God.

Goddamn these chains!

Little key, little key.

What am I doing? I can't let you go!

Just give me one free hand.|It'll be worth it.

Okay. Give me the fries.

-Hi.|-Wow.

Hey.

Sh*t.

Just wait one minute, okay?

-Dude--|-Dude, you got a boner?

No.

-Why didn't you answer the door?|-I'm eating.

-So?|-I don't answer when I'm eating.

-Since when?|-Since always.

-I never knew that.|-You didn't know a lot, like I'm gay.

-Anything else you want to tell me?|-I got three balls.

Shut up! God!

Dude.

Hi, coach.

What are you doing here?

Retrial. Got a judge|that's a sports fan.

-Congrats.|-What will you do now?

That's why I'm here. Need a place|to crash, figure out my next move.

I knew I could count on you.

-Well, we gotta talk about--|-You stay as long as you like.

Great! Where's the bathroom?|I gotta take a dump.

We don't use the toilet anymore since|we're cutting down on the water bill.

What do you do?

Well, we just use the lawn now.

Smart thinking.

Oh, God!

You pinch loaves on the lawn?|I play croquet out there.

Are you crazy? Coach can't stay here!

-We got a woman locked in the garage!|-Oh, yeah!

You boys got any T.P.?

No!

That's all right.|I'll find something.

Play it cool. We'll find|some way to get rid of him.

We tell him we got dates. He can't|be here because we're getting laid.

No, he'll never believe that.

We'll tell him we got ghosts.

So, boys, what's for supper?

-Listen, coach--|-We have ghosts.

We were thinking that maybe you|staying here's not such a great idea.

Nonsense. It'll give us a chance|to get to know one another again.

So you boys take care of that b*tch|that was gonna marry Silverman?

Yeah, we snuffed that b*tch|just like you said.

Good. How'd you do it?

-We--|-Ate her.

You ate her?

-Yeah. We ate her.|-Alive.

My hat goes off to you.

You boys are smart.|That's the perfect crime.

Wonder what's on the tube.

-No! Coach!|-No!

What the hell we got here?|Some kind of public access show?

That's the kidnap victim, ain't it?

You didn't kill her!

No. Coach, listen....

I am really disappointed in you boys.

I want you to go out there|and off that cooze.

We can't, coach.

Oh, for Pete's sakes!|Look! She's getting out!

Go chop her head off or something.

There's no fight left in you boys.|You're nutless. You been pussified.

Don't worry about a thing, boys.|I'll take care of that broad.

-Don't worry!|-Who are you?

Let's say I'm a friend of the boys,|and I'm here to kill you.

You don't mind if I try|to defend myself, do you?

Of course not.|I love a good challenge.

Are you okay?

Dude--

Got it?

-I'm so happy.|-Oh, me too.

Does this couch fold out?

What the hell is going on here?

-Judith!|-Yes.

-You're alive.|-Yes.

-Judith?|-Who is this tramp?

I'm not a tramp.

Actually, until yesterday,|I was training to become a nun.

I'm gone for a week,|and you're screwing a nun?

No, no. We're in love.

I thought you were dead.

Oh, really? Well, I'm not dead.|I was kidnapped, okay?

It was hell!|I was beaten, tortured...

...and treated like|a frigging farm animal!

And the entire time...

...the only thing that kept|me alive was the thought...

...that somewhere out there,|my sweet Darren still loved me...

...and that one day|we'd be together again.

It was so horrible.

-Where are we going?|-I don't know. We gotta find her.

-Okay, where to?|-Go left!

I'm going right!

They kept me in|a dark closet for days.

And they fed me, like,|crushed potato chips under the door.

Maybe I should go.

Oh, no.

Please. Please, don't.

Don't leave.

Well, but, I mean...

...Judith's alive,|and she is your fiance.

I know. You're right.|You're right. But....

But you can't go because I....

-Because what? Why, Darren?|-Because I--

-See, you--|-Yeah?

-Well, we-- And--|-Yeah?

Sweetheart, we pledged|our love to one another.

Spare her the pain|of seeing us together.

You...

...run along back to the nunnery.

She's right.

I mean...

...I did pledge.

Okay.

Bye.

She's here! Hey, Darren.

Sandy, hi. Look, I can--|Darren. Sorry.

Darren, look. I understand|that you're really upset.

I probably look like|a really big a**hole--

Dude!

Okay. I deserved that.|But now let me explain--

Okay, I guess I deserved that one too,|but now we're even, okay?

Stop! We only did it|because we love you.

Oh, right, because you love me.

Yeah, man. Come on.|Give me a hug. It's--

-Freeze!|-Get your hands up!

Don't think my presence here|means I forgive you.

I just wanted to tell|you guys in person.

Judith and I are|getting married tomorrow.

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