Scary Movie 4 Page #5

So... an Indian, a Frenchman

and the Pope are all on a plane.

The pilot says,

"Hey, are any of you not circumcised?"

So the Pope lifts up

his robe and says...

"Shut up, stupid.

You don't even speak English."

The Israeli asked the Japanese guy

to open his eyes...

but the Japanese man says,

"I'm not squinting, you crazy Jew.

You're the one who sold me

these cheap glasses."

What's the difference between

a Belgian and a lump of dog sh*t?

The Belgian drinks wine,

but the dog sh*t smells good.

But, on a serious note,

I'm here today at the, uh...

"un"...because the Earth

has been attacked.

I'm happy to report that we may

have found a way to fight back.

My military advisers

at the Pentagram

have managed

to do the impossible.

They have captured one

of the alien heat ray guns.

As you know, the heat ray destroys the body,

leaving behind nothing but clothes.

Our engineers have managed to reverse

the polarity of the weapon

in the hopes that it can now

be turned against

the alien invaders.

Well, where was I?

Ah, yes. We expect that the

alien shields will be vulnerable

to this reconfigured weapon.

People, please! Please!

Please, people. Now, I know that this

new technology may seem frightening...

but I believe that deep down

inside this heat cannon

is our best chance.

Let me give you a demonstration.

Now let's see if this thing

is plugged in.

Uh... it's not a very pretty sight.

Everything's loose

and flapping around.

Look at this little pink thing.

Someone get some lubricant,

and we'll slather it around in here.

There.

Harper. Good God,

these people are all naked.

Have you no shame?

Have you no decency?

- Sir, you're naked, too.

- I am?

- I thought this was a wrinkly leather coat.

- Sir!

- These aren't buttons?

- No!

I've been pulling this thing

up and down like a zipper.

Mr. President, please.

There goes that duck again.

Yo, man, you see this red weed?

Nope.

Dad, how much further till Mom's?

I don't know.

I'm not sure how much longer

I can carry your sister.

I've been walking

this entire time.

- Then who the hell is-

- I'll pay you.

Stay close, Rachel.

Dad, look!

Hey! Hey! You guys!

I want to help!

Robbie! Oh, no.

Don't move. For God's sake,

stay right there. I'll be right back!

Hey! Hey, you guys!

I want to help.

Awesome!

- Wait!

- Are you crazy?

No!

They'll pay for half my college.

Kick ass.

Robbie!

- Yes!

- What's the matter with you?

Hey, look at that guy.

This is so cool!

Robbie! Robbie!

Rachel! Rachel!

Little girl, are you alone?

You need to come with me.

I'll keep you safe, right, kids?

Uh-uh.

- Do you have a little brother?

- Get away from her!

Run away, kids!

Toward the tripod,

if you have to!

Don't go! I've got a Ferris wheel

and a chimp...

and a big, soft bed

we can all get in.

No, please!

Not my real face!

Not my real face!

No!

Over here.

Follow me to safety.

- Ow!

- Follow me to safety.

- I don't know about this.

- I'm an excellent judge of character.

All right. Yeah.

That's it.

Oh, Brenda.

Yes! You did it!

You have learned quickly

and produced splendid butter.

Are you sure you have not

churned before?

Well, we don't call it churning

where I come from.

Pee-pee vagina.

Quick! Into the cellar.

No!

This is the cellar.

That's the cesspool.

Damn it!

Quick!

Boogedy-boogedy-boogedy.

Boogedy-boogedy-boogedy-boogedy.

Hey! You're not monsters.

Old Lady Henderson?

And Pig-Face Joe!

What happened?

It is Henry.

He has suffered a heart attack

brought on by this knife.

Who did this?

It was... Ezekiel.

Henry, you need a hospital.

It's not too late.

We can help you.

Perhaps you could start by

not leaning on the knife.

Do not be concerned for him,

Cindy.

We have sent our most qualified

villager for medicines.

I am so dead.

Please, leave me alone

with Cindy and Brenda.

I have much to tell them.

Listen carefully to me.

I am not long for this world.

- P*ssy.

- Brenda!

What? 50 Cent got shot nine times.

He's still walking around.

Tell me, Henry, who killed the boy?

Was it you?

No, I loved him and his mother

very much.

I should have been with him

when he died.

It was horrible.

What happened?

You must tell me.

They went to a boxing match.

It was a women's

championship title fight.

And there was

a terrible accident.

Oh, my God.

Only in America!

All this time, I've been

searching for his killer

when it was me, Brenda.

It was all my fault.

Henry, your son told me

that if I found his killer...

I would know how

to defeat the aliens.

And he was right.

Don't you see?

All you have to do is-

Who the hell

let his ass out of jail?

His brother, the sheriff.

F***in' "A."

There you go, sweetie.

We're gonna die, aren't we?

Hey, nothing's gonna happen to you.

I haven't lost anyone yet.

- You've lost Robbie.

- Except Robbie.

None of that matters right now.

What's important is that I'm here with you.

Try and get some sleep, okay?

Sing me

"Lullaby and Good Night"?

I don't know that one.

Sing me "Hushabye Mountain"?

I'm sorry, Rachel,

I don't that one, either.

Hey. Come on in.

Have a seat.

- The name's Oliver.

- Tom Ryan.

I found this place.

Plenty of food-

Along with two freshly killed

busybodies upstairs...

who "owned" the place.

We could stay here forever.

- Are you afraid?

- Of course I'm afraid.

I'm not.

I've been around death plenty.

I used to drive an ambulance

in the city...

but, apparently, I wasn't

a very strong driver.

It seems I was killing more people

than I was saving.

Something about that siren

got me excited.

Wham! Carnage.

But this is different.

This is a war.

No, it's an extermination.

It's no more of a war than there's a war

between men and maggots...

or dragons and wolves...

or men riding dragons,

throwing wolves at maggots.

Damn it, Tom. Can't you understand

what I'm trying to tell you?

These aliens must have a weakness.

I heard that the Japs killed

a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.

Kikkoman.

That's-That's soy sauce.

Right, yeah. Low sodium.

What I'm trying to say, Tom, is that you

and I should be fighting these things.

It's us that should be coming up

from under the ground.

Of course, we'll have to

bury ourselves first...

but it'll be worth it.

Cool breeze. No sunblock. Worms.

When we build our own tripods,

they'll have four legs.

I gotta show ya something.

We'll tunnel up from behind

and scare the piss out of em.

Wish we had some shovels,

don't you?

Dad.

Daddy!

Rachel!

Rachel! Rachel!

What's the secret, Brenda?

What am I missing?

Oh, please!

More fake monsters?

Cindy!

Help! Help!

I promised I'd find you, didn't I?

Where are we?

What is this?

Some kind of basket

attached to the tripod.

Jesus!

I know, it's horrible.

But why?

What are the aliens

gonna do to us?

I don't know,

but they're taking everyone-

young, old, rich, poor, Chingy.

- Daddy!

- Rachel!

- No!

- Daddy! Help!

Tom!

Am I dead?

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