School for Scoundrels Page #6

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I better go and look

just to make sure.

Look, get in,

you can borrow mine.

But what are you going to do?

I've got two.

But I can only play

with a 16-ounce,

and I know your old one is...

well, you can use my new one.

Get in!

Well, that's very decent of you

old boy.

Thank you

very much.

I say, you did see

that light, didn't you?

I saw the light

perfectly.

You did say April Smith,

didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Has she moved?

Why?

Well, if she's still

in Oakshades Avenue,

you've taken

the wrong turning.

The quickest way was to take

the last turning on left,

then first right

over the railway bridge.

Are you sure?

Yes, honestly.

It takes minutes

off it.

I should turn around

if I were you. Here.

No, wait a moment. Better still,

go left then left again.

There?

Wait a moment.

Hang on.

The second...

no, no, no, no,

the third on the right, here.

That's it.

I think.

Turn right.

Mind that tree!

A tree in the middle

of the road.

Are you sure

you know the way?

Positive.

Turn right, then bear left

at the waterworks.

That's it, yeah.

I say, I'm terribly sorry.

I...

sorry?

Trouble is I'm only used to

this shortcut after dark.

After dark!?

By the way, did I say

turn left at the waterworks?

Yes, you did.

Oh, I'm a fool

I meant right.

Why couldn't you keep your ruddy

mouth shut and let me go my way?

But this way is a lot

quicker, old chap.

Oh, I say, bad luck.

New paintwork too.

She didn't wait.

Women. They're all

the same.

All that rush

for nothing.

I must say I'm looking forward

to trying that new racquet.

What on earth

was that?

Can I help, old man?

It's the exhaust.

Oh, bad luck.

You know,

it must've happened

when you bashed into

that brick wall.

Have you got

a piece of string?

Well, we made it.

No thanks to you.

Whose is that car?

I haven't seen it here before.

Er, oh,

it's mine actually.

Yours?

Yeah.

What's it

doing here?

Er, oh, I had the racing heads

taken off.

I knew you were

picking me up anyway,

so I asked the garage

to deliver it here.

Shall we go?

Ah! We've got court 2,

I see.

All right, I'll get some balls

you get the racquets.

Aren't you

going to change?

Mmm? Oh,

only my shoes.

I always think it's a bit

pompous to dress up in whites

for a friendly game,

don't you?

Oh, I say.

You're putting it on a bit,

old man, aren't you?

Oh, Mr. Delauney.

I was just going to give

your court to the General.

It's 3:
30, you know.

Sorry, Carpenter.

3:
30, sir, see that?

Sorry, sir.

But Palfrey wasn't quite ready

when I made the call for him.

Don't try to put the blame

on someone else, sir.

The court was booked in your

name and you're 30 minutes late.

That's all I want to know.

Carpenter, Complaints Book.

Thank you very much.

Right, call.

Rough.

Rough it is.

Oh! Lucky!

Side or service?

Oh, I'll serve.

All right, well,

I'll take this side.

You'll have the sun

in your eyes.

Well, we're changing,

aren't we?

Huh.

I say!

Hmm?

Shut the gate, old man,

would you?

Shut..?

Is the net all right?

Mm?

Er, would you like it

a little lower?

I'm ready.

I say!

I've just seen the General over

there talking to the Secretary.

Do you think I ought to tell him

it was my fault we were late?

No!

Right.

No!

Bad luck. Love-15.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, bad luck! Love-30.

Have it again.

It was out!

Well, I honestly couldn't see.

The sun was in my eyes.

Could quite easily have been in.

Have two more.

It was out!

All right.

Oh!

Oh, bad luck!

Awfully good serve, though.

Love-40.

Hard cheese!

One-love.

I say, this is

a wonderful racquet.

Your service.

Fault!

Sorry.

But yours was in.

Was it?

I thought it was a fault.

It was well in.

Well, I couldn't see.

I'd have thought you'd have

shouted if it was in.

Oh, have it again.

Oh, no, no, no.

I couldn't have got your return

anyway. Love-15.

Have it again.

No, no, no, honestly.

I insist that you have it again!

Oh, all right.

Oh, bad luck!

I feel really bad about

that one.

15-love.

I say, old chap, I feel I've got

rather an unfair advantage.

I do wish you'd swap racquets.

I'm perfectly happy

with the one I've got.

No, no, no, I insist.

After all, this one

is yours.

Let me have a shot with

that old one. Ha ha ha.

Gently, now.

Don't know your own strength

with that racquet.

15-love.

Hello, April!

30-love.

April, I can explain everything.

We lost our way and...

there's nothing to explain.

You were late and that's that.

Oh, do get on with your game.

Lovely day, Henry!

Beautiful!

But, April...

30-love.

Good shot, Henry!

40-love.

April, you must listen to me.

I called for Palfrey...

young man! You, sir!

Are you or are you

not using this court

for the purpose of

playing tennis?

I booked this court for 4

o'clock, it's one minute to.

40-love.

Oh, nuts!

And we don't tolerate filthy

language in this club, sir.

Match point!

Ha ha ha!

Well played, sir!

Well played!

Well, shake hands, sir.

Shake?

Not me, you fool!

One thing I can't tolerate,

a bad loser, unsportsmanlike.

Well played, young man.

Thank you, general.

Best man won.

Thank you, sir.

April, April, let's get

this straight, I...

you're playing much better

today, Henry.

What was the score?

Oh, just one set to me.

Didn't have time for any more.

I mean the score in games.

Oh, it's not

important really.

After all, it was only

a friendly game.

It was 6-love.

Now, April...

Well, thank you, Raymond.

I enjoyed that.

And many thanks for

the loan of your racquet.

You mean to say you beat him

playing with a borrowed racquet?

Oh...

no!

I mean yes.

Well, not exactly.

But April, I can

explain the whole thing.

Raymond, I've already told you

there is nothing to explain.

But there is, damn it!

Language, old man, language.

Ha ha.

Oh, just forgotten

the balls.

Erm... look, go on, will you?

Join you in a couple

of seconds. Ha ha.

How well do you know Palfrey,

anyhow?

I beg your pardon.

Well, why is it

he only knows

the short cut

to your house in the dark?

I haven't the faintest idea

what you're talking about.

Congratulations, my boy.

You rather excelled yourself.

In fact you have passed

with honours.

Thank you, sir.

It was that changing of

the racquets that did it

just as he was getting used

to the feel of the old one.

Well, I take it you're eager

to get after the young girl?

That's right, sir.

Well, what I am about to do

is usually done in more formal

circumstances, you understand.

But, fortunately,

provisions have been made

for it to be

done in the field

where emergency so dictates.

So, just stand where

you are, Palfrey.

Take you hands

out of your pockets.

Now then, Henry Palfrey.

By virtue of the power vested

in me as founder and principal

of the College of

Lifemanship at Yeovil,

it gives me great pleasure

to award you this

Certificate of Lifemanship.

Now, bend your head.

Umm?

Bend your head,

Palfrey.

There, that's all,

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