School for Scoundrels Page #7

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my boy. Congratulations.

Thank you

very much indeed, sir.

Nonsense, my boy.

You deserve it.

As a matter of fact, I've never

said this to a student before,

but I was wondering if you'd

consider giving up this girl,

and instead joining me

at Yeovil.

Oh, that's terribly

flattering, sir,

and don't think I don't

appreciate it but...

I'm afraid not, sir.

No, I didn't think so.

Well, up and at her, Palfrey.

Yes, sir.

One last piece of advice,

Palfrey.

I take it it's your intention

to go out there

and lock horns

with this other fellow

about driving

the girl home.

Well, I was going to go...

umm. Once you've got

your opponent on the ropes,

surely you're in the perfect

position for calling into play

the calculated

indifference ploy.

Best summed up by a paraphrase

of the old nursery rhyme,

"leave her alone

and she'll come home,

"wagging her tail

behind her."

You really think the neglected

gambit is the one to use?

Old, tried and true.

I've just had a thought, sir.

What if she doesn't like me?

Well, that's a detail.

Some of the most

successful marriages

are made up of people who

scarcely talk to each other.

Well, good luck, Palfrey.

Thank you very much, sir.

Three guineas, please.

Three guineas?

Well, we use

only the best parchment.

Oh, yes.

Really, my dear,

it isn't necessary for you

to try to

make me jealous.

I'm quite your devoted slave

as it is.

Raymond, I've already

told you.

I was not trying

to make you jealous.

You're a dear little

storyteller.

I absolutely

adore you.

What have you done

to your car?

I had a bit of

an accident, actually.

Were you hurt?

No, it shook me up a bit.

It put me off my game,

I'm afraid.

Raymond, I'm so sorry.

I...

ah, there

you are.

I've asked Carpenter to

phone the garage, Raymond.

I said you'd had

an accident.

I thought it sounded better.

Better than what?

Well, it's a bit

embarrassing to admit

you backed into a wall in broad

daylight, isn't it? Cheers.

Aren't you

coming with us?

Oh, ho, ho, no.

Two's company,

you know.

Dear sweet girl, do you

realise how close you came

to suffering the consequences

of your little game?

Mm?

He might have accepted and we

should have been stuck with him.

What are you...? Now,

don't worry, little kitten

I would've saved you

and got rid of him.

Saved me?

And let that be a lesson

to you, my sweet.

You mean...?

Now, just a minute.

In the first place,

I am not your sweet.

Oh!

In the second place,

despite what you might think,

I genuinely meant

that invitation

and I'd have been delighted

had he accepted.

In the third place,

I have never met such a smug,

self-centred,

conceited...

and in the fourth place,

good-bye.

Oh, Mr. Delauney, the garage

people will be here shortly.

Who is that man?

He's not a member, is he?

Oh, no, sir. He came in today

as a guest of Mr. Palfrey's.

What?

Are you sure?

Oh, yes, sir.

As a matter of fact,

I saw them behaving

in the most peculiar manner

on the croquet lawn

just now, sir.

Really?

Thanks.

Where to?

Anywhere.

I should think you could use

a drink, couldn't you?

Yes, I could.

Thank you.

Oh, that smug,

conceited...

boor?

Yes, boor.

Follow that bus!

I should change before we go out

for that drink, shouldn't I?

Do you mind if we stop off

at my place for a moment?

Of course not.

There we are!

Look, this may sound

a bit Victorian, but...

if you'd prefer to stay here,

I'd quite understand.

You are sweet, Henry.

Look, why don't we have

that drink in your flat?

Fine!

There we are.

Oh, Henry!

How nice and cosy.

Thank you.

Erm, sit down?

Thank you.

Now, then.

What's it to be?

Whiskey?

Fine.

Good.

Soda?

Please.

Cheers!

Thank you. Oops! Ooh!

Oh, I am sorry.

Oh, look at the sofa.

Never mind my sofa,

what about your dress?

It's terrible.

I'm awfully clumsy

you can't very well

sit around like that, can you?

Erm... I know.

Just a minute.

There. Now, why don't you

pop into that

and I'll dry your dress

in front of the fire?

Oh, I really don't think

I ought...

then, you can tell your

uncle Henry all about it.

Uncle Henry?

Yes, well, I suppose

I better had.

Good. Give me a shout

when you're ready.

You are kind

and thoughtful, Henry.

Mrs. Stringer?

Henry Palfrey here.

When you have a free moment,

could you pop up here, please?

Thank you,

Mrs. Stringer.

You can come

in now!

Splendid!

Now, then.

We'll just pop these things on

the chair in front of the fire.

They should be dry

in no time at all. That's it.

How do you feel?

Fine, thanks, uncle Henry.

Good. Let's get you

another drink, shall we?

First to Yeovil,

please.

Ah!

There we are!

Now, then.

How do you feel?

Much more comfortable.

This was a very good idea,

uncle Henry.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Ah!

Oh, that's much better.

Mm?

Henry, your socks.

So... oh!

Oh, dear!

Oh, oh, actually, I usually

manage pretty well, but...

Look, I must come in

one day and mend it.

Who's that

hmm?

Oh, I haven't

the faintest idea.

Ah, I say, this is a bit awkward

now I come to think of it.

Yes.

You being here alone

in a man's flat,

wearing his dressing gown,

guzzling whiskey.

Yes, it is.

You've got your shoes off too.

Better hide. Um...

quickly.

In here.

Won't be a moment.

Ah, Mrs. Stringer.

I come up as quick as I could,

Mr. Palfrey. What is it?

Well, I'm afraid it was

a mistake, Mrs. Stringer.

Mistake?

But only just now you telephoned

down and asked me to come up.

Yes, well, I thought

I was going to need you

but I've been able to

manage myself.

Telephoning down and then

changing your mind.

I suppose you think

that's fun for me,

to run up five flight

of stairs.

You know I wouldn't dare opera

the lift in my state of nerves.

I'm very sorry,

Mrs. Stringer.

Yes, and I'm sorry too

there... ah!

Come on, Queenie.

Just the porter's wife

I managed to get rid of her

as quickly as I could.

Good.

What is it?

It's amazing how sexless a woman

looks in a man's dressing gown.

Sexless?

Umm, well...

shapeless.

Shapeless?

Mmm.

A little girlish.

I don't know

what it is,

it makes a man

feel protective.

Just protective?

Well, paternal.

Paternal?

Well, no.

Perhaps more like a friend.

How good a friend?

Oh, a good friend.

A very good friend.

A very...

very good friend

indeed.

No.

What is it?

Put your dress on.

I'll take you home.

But why?

What happened?

Get dressed, please.

Open up!

I know you're in there.

Let me in.

Let me in, you cad,

or I'll call the police.

Open this door,

you cad!

I'll have to let him i

n. You go in there.

I'll get rid of him as quickly

as I can and I'll take you home.

Now, come on.

Open the door!

Open up, I say.

Come on, you bounder. I know

you're in there, you stinker.

Where is she? Come on. I know

she is here. Where is she?

Will you keep your voice down?

The neighbours will hear you.

So they should, you spoiler.

Come on. Where is she?

She is not here.

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