Screwed Page #5

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LIKE NEW CAR?

- OH, MY GOD,

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

EVERYONE, EVERYONE!

- HEY, EMMA.

- WILL, I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE GOT TO GO.

FALCO GOT INTO ONE OF THE--

THE PEONIES:

THAT WE GOT AT THE STORE,

AND SHE'S CHOKING

ON THE RAWHIDE,

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO HANG OUT.

- I WANT YOU

TO HANG OUT WITH ME TOO.

- WELL--

- HERE HE IS, WILL,

ALL READY FOR YOU

JUST LIKE WE DISCUSSED.

- YOU ARE ADOPTING

ONE OF THE PUPPIES?

OH, THAT IS SO GREAT.

- YEAH.

- YAY.

- WELL, HE'S ALREADY PASSED

MY THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECK,

SO I JUST NEED A DEPOSI OF $300,

AND THEN HE'S ALL YOURS

TO TAKE HOME.

- THAT IS SO GREAT.

I'M SO--

[electricity buzzing

and crackling]

UH...

[echoing moan]

- DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO?

PARAMEDICS:

ARE WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

- YOU SHOULD CALL ME,

LIKE, FOR THE DOG

OR ANYTHING REALLY, I MEAN--

JUST CALL ME.

- GREAT.

- OKAY.

[dog barking]

- GO.

- DID YOU SEE THE WAY

SHE WAS LOOKING AT YOU?

SHE UNDRESSED YOU

WITH HER STARE.

[sighs]

BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU DO HAVE

A WAY WITH WOMEN, DON'T YOU?

- 300 BUCKS

FOR THIS BALL OF FUR?

- YEAH, I'LL NEED A CHECK,

AND THEN YOU:

CAN PAY FOR THE RES IN THE NEXT TEN BUSINESS DAYS.

SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

- CAN YOU SH*T IN A TOILET?

I HOPE SO.

JESUS.

- [sighs]

- OOH, HERE WE GO.

HEY, DAD.

WANT TO MEET OUR NEW ROOMMATE?

- SORRY,

I'M LISTENING TO YOUR MOM

TALK ON HER CELL PHONE.

DID YOU REALIZE:

SHE WAXES DOWN THERE NOW?

- OKAY, DAD.

WAIT, HOW CAN YOU LISTEN

TO MOM'S CONVERSATIONS?

- IT'S THIS AMAZING,

LITTLE TRANSMITTER.

I FOLLOWED HER TO LUNCH,

AND WHEN SHE GOT UP

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

I WALKED OVER TO HER TABLE,

DROPPED IT IN HER PURSE.

NOW WHEREVER THE BAG GOES,

THE BUG GOES,

AND I HEAR EVERYTHING.

WAIT.

SHE'S GETTING ANOTHER CALL.

I--IT--THE RECEPTION'S BETTER

THE CLOSER I AM,

SO I'M GONNA TAIL HER CAR.

- THIS IS GETTING

OUT OF HAND, DAD.

- NO, NATHAN LEFT.

HE'S ON HIS WAY HOME.

HE BOUGHT A PIZZA.

IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.

YOU HAVE CASH:

TO PAY FOR IT, RIGHT?

[laughing]

I WAS JUST THINKING,

OUR APARTMEN COULD USE A GOOD GUARD DOG.

- OKAY, DAD,

THIS IS NOT YOUR APARTMENT.

- OKAY, BYE.

- JUST YOU AND ME, HUH?

SHOULD WE SEE:

WHAT SANTA PAWS BROUGHT YOU?

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

GOT SLIM JIMS,

ONE FOR YOU,

ONE FOR ME.

I GOT YOU SOME ALTOIDS

'CAUSE YOU GOT STANK BREATH.

AND I GOT ME A SNICKERS BAR

'CAUSE I NEED SOME STRENGTH.

[knocking at door]

COME HERE.

- LARGE PEPPERONI

AND CHEESE PIZZA.

YOUR TOTAL'S $15.22.

- AH, YEAH, CAN YOU HOLD ON

FOR A COUPLE MINUTES?

THE GUY WHO ORDERED THIS

ISN'T HERE.

IT'S HIS PIZZA.

I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

- LISTEN, DUDE!

I'VE GOT SIX PIES IN THE CAR

THAT NEED TO BE DELIVERED

IN A HALF AN HOUR,

AND IF THEY:

DON'T GET THERE IN TIME,

THEN IT'S MY ASS.

AND IF IT'S MY ASS,

THEN IT'S YOUR ASS.

YOUR ASS.

- OH, BOY.

- [shrieks]

[both moaning]

DO YOU KNOW WHA MY FAVORITE TOPPING OF PIZZA IS?

- SHOT IN THE DARK--

SAUSAGE?

- OH, SHUT YOUR FILTHY FACE,

AND LET'S GET TO THE CENTER

OF MY TOOTSIE POP.

- BE A GOOD BOY.

[lively salsa music]

- HEY.

HEY, GET OUT OF THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

YOU LITTLE PIZZA-STEALING

TURD BURGLAR?

- WHAT?

- YOU BANGED

THE SAUCY SLICE PIZZA GIRL.

- ACTUALLY, SHE BANGED ME.

YOU SHOULD THANK ME.

SAVED YOU 15 BUCKS.

- WHAT THE--

YOU ARE GONNA TELL ME

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

YOU'VE GOT WOMEN

THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU.

YOUR DICK HAS BECOME

SOME SORT OF CURRENCY,

SO IT BEGS THE QUESTION,

WHAT THE F***, MAN?

- IT'S ALL THE TAPE.

- WHAT TAPE?

- IN THE VCR.

- WHAT, IS I SOME SORT OF SELF-HELP THING

THAT HELPS YOU HYPNOTIZE WOMEN

THAT NORMALLY WOULDN'T BREATHE

THE AIR WITHIN 50 FEET OF YOU?

- THANKS.

NO.

IT ACTUALLY HAS MAGICAL POWERS

AND MAKES ME, LIKE, A SEX GOD.

I LITERALLY WATCHED IT.

A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S FACES

FLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN,

AND NOW I'M SLEEPING

WITH A NEW WOMAN

PRACTICALLY EVERY TIME

I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

- BULLSHIT.

- WHO'S EATING FREE PIZZA?

MMM.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

YOU HAVE HEARD:

OF THE DVD PLAYER, YEAH?

- YEAH, BUT I'M SAVING UP

FOR ONE OF THOSE

GROOVY EIGHT-TRACK

CASSETTE PLAYERS

THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT.

[VCR whines]

- SHE'S A LITTLE CHUNKY,

WEIGHS, LIKE, 60 POUNDS.

- YOU'RE AVOIDING THE SUBJECT,

AND YOU'RE HOLDING UP

THE LINE...

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, THESE--

THESE WOMEN ARE SMOKING HOT.

- THEY WERE THERE.

THEY WERE THERE.

- MM-HMM, YOU KNOW,

IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE JUS THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE.

YOU KNOW, THAT--

ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.

- NATHAN, I SWEAR,

THERE'S THIS TAPE,

AND THE WOMEN THAT ARE ON IT--

I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP

WITH THEM ALL:

SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO JEN

BECAUSE I'LL BE A BETTER LOVER.

- FINE.

YOU GET ME LAID,

AND I'LL BELIEVE YOU.

- HOW?

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- WHERE IS THIS MAGIC OF YOURS?

- OKAY, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

- SHOW ME THE MAGIC!

- NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

I TOLD YOU.

I CAN'T HAVE SEX

WITH ANY WOMAN I TOUCH.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU EVEN TOUCHED A GIRL

THAT'S NOT ON

THIS MAGICAL VIDEOTAPE

THAT ONLY YOU CAN SEE?

- NO, BUT--

- NO.

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE,

AND YOU'RE GONNA SHAKE HANDS

WITH ANYTHING WITH B*OBS,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE AN ORGY.

AND THEN I'LL BELIEVE YOU.

- WE'RE NOT HAVING AN ORGY.

- WE'RE HAVING AN ORGY.

GO.

[indistinct chatter]

- OOH, THANK GOD.

HEY, KEEP WORKING OUT.

A GUY CAN WISH.

HEY, HEY, YEAH.

SORRY,

THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

[electricity buzzing

and crackling]

HI.

- HI.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- RIHANNA.

- HI, RIHANNA.

- HI.

- WANT TO HAVE AN ORGY?

- F***, YES.

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

- OKAY.

[buzzing]

[tape squealing]

[echoing moan]

WAIT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ORDER

ON THE TAPE.

- WHAT?

- [gasps]

YOU'RE STILL OUT OF ORDER.

OH, GOD, THAT'S NICE.

- ORDER?

THERE'S NO ORDER

WHEN YOU ORGY.

YOU JUST ORGY.

- RIGHT, YES, OF COURSE.

YOU SHOULD MEET ME

IN THE BATHROOM...

- BUT--

- LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.

AND I'LL BE RIGHT IN,

AND I'LL--

I'LL GIVE YOU A NICE ORGY.

- YOU PROMISE?

- OH, YES, I'LL--

- ARR!

- OKAY.

GO.

- BYE.

- F***.

- AH.

BOOM, B*TCH!

- NATHAN, NATHAN, NATHAN,

NATHAN.

- OH, THERE HE IS.

HEY, WHERE'S MY HAREM?

- THERE'S NO TIME

FOR SMALL TALK.

THERE'S A HOT WOMAN

IN THE BATHROOM,

LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.

DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS,

AND DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH

UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

THE TAPE WORKS.

[upbeat rock music]

- THIS IS A TAKEOVER

A TAKEOVER:

I'M CHASING HER

NOT HOSTILE,

BUT SOON WE'LL BE ONE

THIS IS A MASTERPIECE

A PASSION'S FEAS I'LL FINISH,

AND THEN I'LL BE DONE

THIS IS A TAKEOVER

A TASTE I LEARNED

TO LIKE WHEN MY NUMBERS

WERE LOW:

THIS IS A MASTERPIECE

A FAST RELEASE:

I'D STAY,

BUT SHE'D WANT ME TO GO

BUT WAIT,

WHO'S THIS BEAUTY BESIDE ME?

I'M DROPPING MY JAR

WITH A THUD:

IT ACHES:

LIKE SHE'S REACHING INSIDE ME

AND MELTING MY HEAR INTO BLOOD

- AH

AH:

- SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER

MY SAFE AND SURE

REPLACED BY A FEAR

THAT SHE'LL RUN

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