Screwed Page #7

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- HELLO.

- WHERE WERE YOU?

I WAS LOOKING EVERYWHERE

FOR YOU.

- I WAS, UM--

YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE

IN THE MALLS:

WHO HAVE YOU DO THE SURVEYS

FOR 20 BUCKS?

- YEAH.

- I WAS DOING ONE OF THOSE.

- OH, WHAT ABOUT?

- HOW I FEEL ABOUT MALL SURVEYS.

- HMM, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL

ABOUT MALL SURVEYS?

- I DO NOT LIKE THEM.

- REALLY?

- THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT ANSWER,

SO THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME 20 BUCKS.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE

OUR TEDDY BEAR:

AND GO DO THE GO-KARTS?

- HEY.

- OH, SORRY.

- AH, HI.

JEN, EMMA,

EMMA, JEN,

JEN, EMMA.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- WHAT'S WITH THE--

WHAT'S UP WITH THE TEDDY BEAR?

YOU WERE NEVER:

INTO STUFFED ANIMALS.

- SO HOW DO YOU TWO

KNOW EACH OTHER?

- I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND.

- OH.

- YEAH.

- WELL, THANK YOU

FOR LETTING HIM GO.

I THINK HE'S A KEEPER.

- SO HOW IS STEVE?

- UH, I'M NOT WITH STEVE.

I WAS NOT REALLY WITH STEVE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

- YOU KNOW, OUR PUPPY'S WAITING,

SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY--YEAH.

- WE SHOULD PROBABLY--

IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU, OKAY?

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

UM, HOW AWESOME ARE YOU?

- OH, MY GOD, YOU WERE SO LOUD

IN THE DRESSING ROOM

WHEN YOU WERE HAVING SEX

WITH THAT GUY.

IF I WEREN'T THE MANAGER,

YOU WOULD SO BE FIRED.

- WAIT, WHY DID WE HAVE SEX

WITH THAT GUY AGAIN?

- I DON'T KNOW.

AND WHAT WAS UP:

WITH THAT TEDDY BEAR?

- IT WAS KIND OF KINKY.

- IT WAS LIKE A THREESOME.

- OH.

- OH, HI.

- HI.

- HI.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ON A PAIR

OF OUR NEW RICH AND SKINNY

CORDUROYS?

- MM.

ABSO-FRIGGING-LUTELY.

- RIGHT THIS WAY.

- OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU GO.

- THANK YOU.

- LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED

ANOTHER SIZE OR ANYTHING.

- MM-HMM.

[dramatic music]

- DUDE, MAN,

YOU ARE A F***ING STALLION,

A F***ING BLACK STALLION.

F*** THE SH*T OUT OF HER!

UNBELIEVABLE.

JUST RAIL THAT CHICK, MAN.

- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT THE--

OH, HEY, THERE.

NO, I MEAN,

WHAT THE F***?

- WILL YOU PUT IT AWAY?

- YES, IT'S PUT AWAY.

- IS IT AWAY?

- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT THE HELL:

ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WANT THAT VIDEO.

IN EXCHANGE,

I WON'T TELL YOUR BOSS

OR YOUR WIFE:

WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

- UM...

IT'S OKAY

IF I MAKE YOU A COPY?

- YEAH.

- CAN I FINISH?

- [groans]

[soft piano music]

- I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME.

- ME TOO.

- AND NOW WE HAVE

THIS AWESOME FIRST DATE STORY

TO TELL OUR KIDS, DON'T WE?

- AND A REALLY COOL NAME

FOR OUR DOG--

UH, YOUR DOG.

- OF COURSE.

- I CAN'T GO HOME WITH YOU.

- I KNOW.

- I MEAN, I WANT TO, BUT...

- I WANT YOU TO.

- I CAN'T.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

IT HAS TO FEEL RIGHT.

- IT WILL BE, YEAH.

- [sighs]

I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS.

SOMETHING BIGGER

IS AT PLAY HERE.

- LIKE WHAT?

- FATE, IDIOT.

- RIGHT, FATE.

SO WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?

- UM, TOMORROW NIGHT.

- IS THAT THE PREVIOUSLY ALLUDED

TO SECOND DATE?

- YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THERE'S SOMEWHERE

I HAVE TO BE,

AND I'D LIKE FOR YOU

TO JOIN ME.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.

- BYE.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WAITING

TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

[both chuckle]

- ME NEITHER.

- BYE.

[dramatic music]

[tape squealing]

[knock at door]

[pounding at door]

- I'M READING!

[pounding at door]

DAMN IT.

CHILL OUT, TITO.

WHOSE HAIR IS ON FIRE?

[knocking at door]

WHAT?

- HMM.

WHERE IS HE?

- BY ALL MEANS, COME IN.

CAN I FIX YOU A WARM GLASS

OF "CHILL THE F*** OUT"?

[tape squealing]

[knocking]

- WHAT THE HELL?

- OKAY, SO NOT ONLY

DO YOU HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND,

BUT YOU STARTED:

CHEATING ON HER ALREADY?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- I OVERHEARD THOSE SLUTS

AT THE MALL,

THE ONE THAT YOU

WERE SLEEPING WITH.

- OKAY, LOOK.

THAT'S--

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- REALLY, REALLY?

'CAUSE I THINK

THAT YOU'VE BECOME A WHORE.

A WHORE!

- ARE YOU 12?

LOOK.

YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.

SO WHY DO YOU CARE

WHO I SLEEP WITH?

AND WHY DO I GIVE A F***

WHATEVER THE HELL YOU THINK?

- BECAUSE I--

I--

I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME

EVERYTHING:

THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED.

- NO, STOP.

GET OFF.

- [laughing]

SHUT UP, WILL,

AND DO ME.

- PLEASE, NO.

PLEASE, JEN.

- AS YOU WERE.

I'VE SEEN BOOBIES BEFORE.

- [growls]

YOU'RE SO GROSS.

- COME ON, I--

I WOULD LET YOU WATCH.

YOU'RE LETTING

THE TERRORISTS WIN.

- JEN, IT'S OKAY.

- HA.

[laughs]

WHOO!

[moaning]

OH, MY GOD, WILL!

OH, WILLIAM, WILLIAM!

WILLIAM JOSEPH HEMBRY!

OH, MY GOD,

OH, MY GOD.

[screaming]

- AH!

- OH, YES!

[screams]

[screaming]

OH, JESUS!

MARY AND JOSEPH.

WILLIAM.

THAT WAS THE MOST...

[smooches]

UNBELIEVABLE SEX

OF ALL TIME.

[sighs]

YOU KNOW,

AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY

THAT YOU SLEP WITH THOSE MALL SLUTS,

BUT NOW I GET IT,

BECAUSE I SAID:

THAT IF YOU GOT BETTER AT SEX,

I'D GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE,

AND YOU DID.

I MEAN, MY GOD,

HOW MANY GIRLS:

DID YOU SLEEP WITH

IN ORDER TO GET SO GOOD

SO FAST?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T ANSWER THAT.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

BUT WHAT MATTERS

IS THAT YOU DID THIS FOR ME,

SO I--I FORGIVE YOU

FOR DOING WHATEVER IT IS

THAT YOU NEEDED TO DO

IN ORDER TO WIN ME BACK.

NOW CAN YOU FORGIVE ME

FOR CHEATING ON YOU

AND FOR, UGH, BEING DUMB ENOUGH

TO EVER THINK:

THAT YOU COULDN'T BE THE LOVER

THAT I NOW KNOW:

WAS JUST ALWAYS:

INSIDE OF YOU?

- OKAY, NO, THERE WAS A TIME

I WAS DOING THIS FOR YOU.

- UH-HUH.

- IMPROVING MYSELF

TO BE THE LOVER:

YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

- UM, WILL,

I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.

- ME TOO,

BUT I DON'T,

NOT ANYMORE.

- OH-HO-HO, SO WHAT IS THIS?

IS THIS REVENGE SEX?

HURT ME THE WAY I HURT YOU?

- NO, JEN.

- OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT,

YOU F***ING A**HOLE?

I--

[chuckles]

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN

TO FEEL MY HEAT.

YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE

WITH THIS--THIS EMMA?

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

LET'S SEE HOW SHE FEELS

WHEN FINDS OUT ABOU YOUR LITTLE, UH,

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

[dramatic music]

- I WAS JUST GONNA PU A COAT OF PRIMER FOR THE--

- YOU ARE A F***ING PERVERT!

- SHE SOUNDS LIKE A WOOKIEE

WHEN SHE ORGASMS.

- YEAH, SHE DOES.

- [growls]

I THOUGH YOU WANTED JEN BACK.

- I FELL IN LOVE

WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

- AND--AND YOU SLEPT WITH JEN

BECAUSE...

- I HAD TO.

- 'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOU HAD TO.

YEAH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT,

BUT, UM,

DID I EVER THANK YOU

FOR THE RIHANNA THING?

- ONLY ABOUT 100 TIMES.

- THANK YOU.

- PUT MY PANTS ON.

[upbeat music]

- GOOD MORNING.

WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.

CHECKING A GUEST IN?

- UH, NO, ACTUALLY

I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR EMMA,

AND IT'S REALLY,

REALLY IMPORTAN THAT SHE GETS I RIGHT AWAY.

- WELL, SHE'S NOT IN TODAY,

BUT I'LL SEE TO I THAT SHE GETS I FIRST THING TOMORROW.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

- MY PLEASURE, MA'AM.

[dogs barking]

MY PLEASURE.

[surf crashing]

- HI.

- HI.

- WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,

IT'S HARD TO SCREW UP

THIS KIND OF PERFECTION.

- IT IS.

OKAY, THEN.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME

WHERE WE'RE GOING TONIGHT.

- I'M TAKING YOU SOMEWHERE

THAT WILL SHED SOME LIGH ONTO WHY

I'M UNNATURALLY FIENDING

TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

- OKAY.

LET'S GO.

- ALL RIGHT.

- AS WONDERFUL

AS MASTURBATION IS,

IT'S--IT'S THE CHAFING.

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