Self Storage Page #4

BEFORE ME.

- I GOT TO TAKE A PISS.

THE BOYS WILL ENTERTAIN YOU.

[snickers]

- GREAT.

- [clears throat]

[beeping and whirring]

- NO CALLS IN.

NO CALLS OUT.

- BULLSHIT.

ALL YOU EVER DO IS HANG OU WITH YOUR STUPID FRIENDS.

HELLO?

HELLO?

F***ING CELL!

[whimpering]

[screams]

OH, YOU SCARED

THE SH*T OUT OF ME.

DON'T DO THAT.

- LAST I HEARD, THOSE THINGS

ARE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

- [chuckles] LEAS OF MY PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH, I HEARD YOU YELLING.

GOT A REAL PROBLEM

WITH THAT PHONE, DON'T YOU?

I'D GET MY MONEY BACK

IF I WAS YOU.

- WHATEVER.

IT'S FINE.

JUST BULLSHIT.

- NO.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

I KNOW HOW YOU'RE FEELING

RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

[R&B music]

- YOU KNOW, WINDING DOWN

A RELATIONSHIP:

CAN BE A VERY DIFFICULT THING.

TAIL END CAN BE PAINFUL,

AWKWARD,

CONFUSING.

I KNOW.

I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.

- I'M JUST SO SICK OF IT ALL.

I AM SO DONE WITH RELATIONSHIPS.

- BELIEVE ME, GIRL,

I FEEL YOU.

THOSE FEELINGS ARE VERY NATURAL

FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

BUT...

I GOT A SIMPLE SUGGESTION.

YOU NEED TO STEP BACK,

CLEAR YOUR HEAD.

WE COULD TALK.

IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

- NO, I-I DON'T WAN TO TALK ANYMORE.

I'M DONE TALKING.

SOMEONE'S GONNA SEE.

- NOBODY'S GONNA SEE.

- [laughs]

- STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

- [laughs]

- THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

REALLY, IT'S INCREDIBLE.

I MEAN, THEY DON'T LISTEN

TO A THING THAT WE HAVE TO SAY.

TAKE YOUR HERO RIP,

FOR EXAMPLE.

YOU GUYS, YOU THINK

HE'S THE MAN, RIGHT,

THAT HE HAS GO HIS SH*T TOGETHER, RIGHT?

WRONG.

HE IS A LOST,

PATHETIC LITTLE BOY.

AND ALL BOYS CHEA EVENTUALLY.

- WE DON'T CHEAT.

- YEAH, I'VE NEVER CHEATED.

IT'S 'CAUSE I'M

AN AVID PORN ENTHUSIAST.

- [laughing] WHAT?

- FACT:

HABITUAL PORNOGRAPHY VIEWING

REDUCES THE CHANCES

OF INFIDELITY BY 80%.

YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.

- IT'S TRUE.

MASTURBATION IS THE KEY.

IT'S THE GREAT EQUALIZER.

HELPS GET THE POISON OUT.

- SHUT UP AND POUR ME ANOTHER

SHOT, YOU LITTLE MONKEY SPANKER.

- YES, MA'AM.

- [laughing]

- SEE? MAYBE NOT ALL GUYS

ARE BAD.

- MAYBE.

BUT THAT RIP,

HE'S A LITTLE SON OF A BISH.

[thumping and grunting]

- [groans]

[laughs]

[exhales sharply]

FEEL BETTER?

- MUCH.

- GLAD I COULD HELP.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[whistles]

[sighs] WELL...

I SHOULD GO BACK, BUT...

CAN'T SHOW UP

AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[chuckles]

- OBVIOUSLY,

YEAH.

- [sighs]

- HEY, UM...

UH, ARE YOU GONNA TELL VALERIE?

- YEAH.

AROUND THE SAME TIME

YOU TELL MATT.

[chuckles]

[mouthing]

[buzzy synth music]

- OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE THESE CAMERAS.

[thumping techno music]

[camera clicks]

[laughs]

OH, YEAH.

[laughs]

[laughing]

YOU GOT THE MOVES

LIKE JAGGER, HONEY.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

[laughing]

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE BUTT SHAKING.

WHOO-HOO!

- SO...

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU KEPT IT?

- YEAH.

- I THOUGHT FOR SURE YOU WOULD

HAVE SMASHED IT OR SOMETHING.

- LOOK, I WAS HEARTBROKEN,

BUT I'M NOT STUPID.

THAT'S A GREAT PIECE.

- [chortles]

THIS THING BRINGS BACK

SOME MEMORIES.

- WELL, FIRE IT UP.

COME ON. I'LL GIVE YOU

THE GRAND TOUR.

- OH.

- YOU KNOW,

I USED TO BE A DANCER.

[giggles]

[clanking sounds]

TAKE YOUR SHIRTS OFF.

- REALLY?

- MAYBE IF YOU WILL,

I WILL.

- OKAY.

- [giggling]

I WANT TO SEE YOU FLEX.

COME ON.

LET'S HAVE A COMPETITION.

[laughs]

- DUDE, TAKE YOUR

F***ING SHIRT OFF.

- WHA...

I KNEW YOU HAD A WILD SIDE

UNDERNEATH THERE.

[giggles]

- OKAY, THAT'S US.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN,

VALERIE.

MRS. POSNER.

- WELL,

A DEAL IS A DEAL.

- SHE WON'T STOP BUGGING ME

THEN AFTER MY SHOW

SHE KEEPS CALLING ME

[record scratches]

- WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON

IN HERE?

- OH, WE'RE HAVING FUN.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

- LET'S GET THE SHIRTS BACK ON,

HUH, GUYS?

- OH, SHUT UP.

THESE BOYS KNOW HOW

TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YOU COULD LEARN A LO FROM THEM.

AND THEY KNOW HOW

TO TREAT A REAL WOMAN.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE

TO F*** EVERYTHING

THAT THEY SEE IN A SKIRT.

- GIRL, YOU TRIPPIN'.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WHERE WERE YOU?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

WHERE WAS I?

- WELL, THAT WAS A PRETTY LONG

PISS YOU TOOK THERE?

- YOU TIMING MY PISSES NOW?

- WELL, I KNOW I DOESN'T TAKE 20 MINUTES.

AND I KNOW THAT THAT SKANK

ISN'T BACK YET.

HUH, IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU'RE

BOTH GONE AT THE SAME TIME.

- SHE WAS ON THE PHONE

WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

I WAS JUST ABOU TO ROLL A BLUNT,

AND I WAS LOOKING FOR JAKE

'CAUSE I KNOW HE'D WANT IN.

- AND YOU COULDN'T FIND HIM?

- NO.

THIS PLACE IS HUGE.

I WAS YELLING AND EVERYTHING.

I WAS LIKE, "JAKE,

YO, JAKE.

LET'S SMOKE SOME WEED."

NOTHING.

PLUS, WHY WOULD I WAN TO BE ANYWHERE

BUT RIGHT HERE WITH YOU?

- YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE SO CUTE.

- P*SSY BROTHERS,

BEAT IT.

- THIS IS SO AWESOME.

- HE'S SO GONNA BANG HER,

RIGHT?

- DUDE,

THIS IS LIKE LIVE PORN,

AND I LOVE PORN.

- IF RIP CATCHES YOU,

HE'S GONNA F*** YOU UP.

- THAT'S A CHANCE

I'M WILLING TO TAKE.

I'M NOT GONNA BE

THE ONLY GUY HERE

WHO DOESN'T BUST A NU TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE?

- HAMILTON?

- WHAT?

- [retches]

- F***!

IS THERE MORE?

OH, GROSS.

GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

I'M GETTING INTO THIS.

[zipper unzips]

[sighs]

GREAT EQUALIZER.

[moaning]

I'M GETTING LAID, SON

- [laughs]

[smooth R&B music]

- THANK YOU.

[camera clicks and whirrs]

- OH.

HOO, THAT'S GONNA BE

A GOOD ONE.

- [breathing heavily]

BEST...

NIGHT...

EVER...

[gasping and choking]

- [grunting]

- GOD, JESS,

THAT IS SO HOT.

- WHAT THE F***

DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

- WHAT?

- YOU JUST CALLED ME JESS.

- NO, I--

smack!

OH!

WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT FOR?

- THAT WAS FOR JESS.

- THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT!

- AND I'M TAKING...

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- AND THIS.

- COME ON!

WHERE YOU GOING?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WHERE YOU GONNA GO?

WHAT...

[doorbell chimes]

- [chuckles]

BACK FOR SECONDS?

[tense music cue]

OH.

SORRY, UM...

[clears throat]

UM, I'M A FRIEND OF JAKE'S.

[chortles]

YOU MUST BE HIS BOSS.

UM, HE'S NOT GONNA GE INTO TROUBLE, IS HE?

UM, WE WERE JUS ABOUT TO LEAVE, ACTUALLY.

UM, I'M SORRY.

UM, WE DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING.

I SWEAR.

[baton clicks]

thud!

[cranking]

- YEAH.

HO!

- WHOA.

TOO MUCH COFFEE TODAY,

SIR?

- ALL THESE KIDS RUNNING

AROUND, I DON'T KNOW.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

- I HIT HER

A LITTLE TOO HARD.

- TREVOR.

DAMN IT.

DUDE, SHE'S DEAD.

WE CAN'T BE KILLING PEOPLE YET.

DAMN IT.

- I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN,

MAJOR.

- OKAY, LOOK, WE HAVE TO STAR HARVESTING IMMEDIATELY.

JUST GO...

I NEED MORE BODIES.

GET ME MORE BODIES.

- SO WE'RE GONNA BE

EXTRA CAREFUL, RIGHT?

- SAID THE GUY WHO CRACKED

THE GIRL'S SKULL OPEN.

KILLING IS A LAST RESORT,

TREVOR.

UNDERSTAND?

NOW, I NEED HELP.

THERE'S--THERE'S ONE

MORE OUT THERE.

I THINK HE'S STILL ALIVE.

BRING HIM IN HERE

AND THEN GET OUT THERE

AND CLEAN UP A BIT, ALL RIGHT?

WE GOT A LOT RIDING ON TONIGHT.

WE DON'T HAVE A LO OF OPTIONS,

SO GET GOING.

MOVE IT!

COME ON!

WHERE WAS I?

[romantic acoustic guitar music]

- IT'S SO QUIET HERE.

- YEAH.

- YOU ALWAYS LIKED

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