Set It Up Page #5

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in his touch.

Kind of like when Koko was petting

that tiny kitten.

Just like petting it,

petting it, petting it.

[laughs]

Let's bullhorn.

- Okay, tell me something I don't know.

- Yeah, I did not know that.

- Charlie, Kirsten just left.

- So did Rick.

It's daylight.

I know. Okay. I'm getting out of here

before Kirsten comes back,

and this was all

some terrible prank.

I have a date with some guy

that I messaged last night,

- and we're gonna go mini-golfing.

- That's a terrible idea.

Why is that a terrible idea?

You have Dave Matthews'

concentration face.

- No, I don't.

- Mm, I saw you write cursive one time.

Go, have fun. Let him win a few holes.

Excuse me. I only have one hole.

- Oh, my God. I meant at golf.

- So did I.

Hey, you're home before me.

Did you quit?

No, I got off early.

Making Suze some dinner.

So, uh, Suze is coming over. That's nice.

Why did you say it like that?

Why'd your voice go up?

'Cause, you know, she, uh... She sucks.

- What?

- If you take away her face and her b*obs,

you realize she's not saying anything.

That's the most heterophobic thing

I've ever heard. You just don't know her.

- How well do you know her?

- I know everything about Suze, all right?

- We talk all the time. I text her all day.

- Like?

She's from Puerto Rico. She's a model.

She uses La Mer products.

She doesn't like dairy. There you go.

All right. Well, what do you do

if you wanna have an intimate,

meaningful conversation with somebody?

- I talk to you.

- That's not what I'm for.

That's what your girlfriend's for.

To be your best friend.

You're my best friend.

I've never pooped at her apartment.

Whose fault is that? Should've did that

the first date. Mark your territory.

[Harper] I barely...

I don't have health insurance,

but Gronk got wasted at a Christmas party.

- [man] You seriously have the dream job.

- Well, Kirsten has the dream job.

- I love Kirsten Stevens. So cool.

- Yeah.

- Wait, what's she like?

- She's...

- Well, she's great. She's great, really.

- Yeah?

She's so smart and hard-working.

Kind of inspiring.

- Inspiring? Okay.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Here we go.

- Let's do this.

- That didn't go.

- You letting me win to boost my ego?

I wanna destroy you. I'm trying

not to make my concentration face.

Oh, no. Why don't I just stand behind you,

and you can make whatever face you want.

- Okay. Okay.

- Okay. Cool. Yeah.

[laughing]

Oh, my goodness. [chuckles]

- Well...

- I hope that was your golf club,

because it felt extremely small.

- [laughing]

- That's not the right thing to say.

[computer beeps]

- Harper?

- Mm-hm?

My phone is broken.

Voice messages aren't coming through.

Oh, really?

- Mm-mm. It works fine.

- There is something wrong with it!

Oh.

Okay.

- You know what's crazy?

- I don't care.

- Just how different dating is nowadays.

- Why are you still talking?

You know, you used to have to wait

three days to call,

but now women think the longer you take...

the smaller your penis.

Get out.

[chuckles]

- This is an elevator.

- Get out.

[phone rings]

I've got it.

Hey, there.

Please hold for Rick.

[groans]

[Kirsten laughing]

[Rick] And now I'm seeing

this badass b*tch. She's a journalist.

[Kyle] Good. Dating is so much better now.

Everybody's sexting and waxing.

[Rick] You know, and Kiki,

she never shaved, just to punish me.

I mean, if I see any hair on a woman,

I'm out. See you.

- So?

- Kirsten needs to get a bikini wax.

Oh, [chuckles] okay.

Hello to you, too. Excuse me?

Just tell her to get one.

You're girls. You talk about that.

Oh, right.

I forgot that every morning I walk in,

I hand her her latte,

and then we talk about merkins

and the cyclical popularity

of the full bush.

- What's a merkin?

- It's a pubic hair wig.

A wig for the pube region.

You know, I miss the time

when I didn't know what that was.

There we go.

Oh, uh, okay. Tomorrow morning,

you have that salon appointment.

- What? What salon appointment?

- I mean, the one for the bikini wax.

- Bikini wax, when did I make that?

- You made that ages ago.

Just like an annual checkup,

general upkeep.

- What salon?

- The one you told me to make it at.

- Exhale?

- Bliss...

Exhale.

She gonna clear out the brush,

the bush brush.

Clear out the bush and brush

and just make it as smooth as a baby.

To have a baby.

You don't need one of those.

The babies or the bush or the brush.

I have so many calls.

But if we hadn't have intervened,

Rick would have called her too late,

and Kirsten's lack of waxing

would have turned him off,

and there would have never been

a second date.

- Okay.

- We can't just kick them out of the nest,

because they're baby birds,

and they are careening to their death.

- We have to actually Cyrano them. Yeah.

- Absolutely. Totally.

I mean, that's what

we've been doing up to now.

- That's what we should continue to do.

- You know what Cyrano means, right?

Yeah, I'm not an idiot.

So, what is it?

It's when... So, if like two assistants

were setting up their boss...

- I don't know what Cyrano is. I know.

- You don't know it. I've said it 14 times.

- [laughing]

- I thought I knew when you said it,

- and then it was too late to ask.

- Okay. It's when a nerdy guy

helps a handsome guy

date the girl that he loves

by telling him what to say, what to do.

That is not what we're doing.

We're full-on Parent Trapping.

- No, we're not.

- I've seen the Lindsay Lohan classic

enough times to know

that we're Parent Trapping hard.

No, Charlie, the point is,

we can't just set them up,

we have to help them keep dating.

[Dusty Springfield's

"I Only Want to Be with You" playing]

I don't know what it is

That makes me love you so

I only know I never want to let you go

'Cause you started something

Can't you see

That ever since we met

You've had a hold on me?

It happens to be true

I only want to be with you

Yes, that one. He's an ass man.

Spend each moment of the day with you

Mr. Otis said you can wait in the lobby.

I never knew that I could be in love

Like this

It's crazy but it's true

Don't walk like that.

I only wanna be with you

There are two kinds of compliments

to give a woman.

The things she thinks about herself

but needs confirmed,

and the thing she doesn't think

anybody notices about her.

The second kind matters more.

It's crazy but it's true

Charlie. I'm gonna be in late tomorrow.

You stopped and smiled at me

Asked me if I'd care...

I'm taking the rest of the day.

I fell into your open arms

I didn't stand a chance

Now, listen, honey

I just want to be beside you everywhere

Ooh.

As long as we're together, honey

I don't care

'Cause you started something

Can't you see

That ever since we met

You've had a hold on me?

No matter what you do

I only want to be with you

I said, no matter

No matter what you do

No matter, no matter what you do

I only want to be with you

I took a nap today. A nap.

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