Set It Up Page #6

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- Are you ready to order yet?

- Not yet.

- But I'd love some more chips.

- Sure.

Naps are great. But I got

a bigger situation on my hands, Charlie.

Becca's engagement party is next weekend.

I need to guarantee that I can be there.

It's really important for me, okay?

Here's my plan.

Get Rick to invite Kirsten on a romantic

weekend getaway trip to Nantucket.

There's a wine festival next weekend,

and you're gonna plant all the information

and make Rick think that he thought of it,

but he didn't, we did.

- Okay?

- Okay.

And they're gonna be marooned on an island

with limited cell service,

which means you and I will have

an entire weekend to ourselves.

Perfect. Suze's modeling agency is

throwing this fancy party next Saturday.

I'll show up, throw out pheromones.

- Let everyone know she's got a boyfriend.

- Don't say the word pheromones around me.

I'm sorry. I meant, uh, chemicals secreted

in my sweat to attract females

- to my throbbing DNA.

- No, no.

[cell phone buzzes]

Is that...? What...? Can you just...?

You should probably be easier

on the "ha ha has."

Hmm?

I mean, you find him humorous.

You're not a psychotic clown.

Psychotic clown,

what are you talking about?

If you like Golf Guy, you'll go out

with three other guys this week.

- [chuckles] Okay, why?

- Remember when you were a kid?

If you had three salamanders,

you played with each of them every day,

and they'd live for years.

But when you had one salamander,

and you held it and you loved it,

and you played with it,

and it just died immediately.

No.

Well, men are kind of like that.

You put too much focus on him,

he can sense it,

then you're gonna accidentally kill him.

Then you gotta hide him in your drawer

- so your mom doesn't find out.

- I like my one salamander.

Okay, let's get out of here.

- Wait. We haven't even ordered yet.

- Hello? No. I better get out of here.

- It's an emergency.

- What?

- Well, I was just about to order and pay

- [gasps] It's an emergency.

for my dinner

at this very nice restaurant,

but I guess I'll just rush

straight to the hospital.

- Thank you.

- An emergency.

Oh, my God, the whole leg?

[Charlie] These things always happen

when you least expect it.

[waiter] I mean, I saw your phone

not ring.

It's not legally a crime,

but we both know this isn't right.

[Rick yells]

Why do I only have a 2D printer?

What am I, a caveman?

There's too much paper here!

This is the digital age!

[yells]

[cell phone buzzes]

I'll have you know,

my tongue is no longer atrophied.

- Code red, code black, code... Sh*t.

- Code red, I can't tell what that means,

- but code sh*t, I feel like that's bad.

- [Kirsten] Change of plans.

I won't go out of town.

Make sure they know the office

has to be open all weekend.

Um, of course.

- Is everything okay?

- Obviously. Why would you ask me that?

Well, no reason.

I am a successful woman.

I don't need to travel

with a pathetic man-child

who can't even feed himself.

Of course not.

Here's a riddle. Would you tell me

you love Korean barbecue

if you've never had it

and didn't know what it was?

No.

And if we went there, would you refuse

to let me explain how it works,

eat raw meat,

rather than admit you're wrong,

and blame me

when you threw it up on a hot grill?

Never.

Kirsten, do you want your...? No, okay.

A lot of men proposed to me in my 20s.

I could be thrice divorced by now.

But I'm not gonna pretend to let him

teach me about how the world works

just so he can get it up!

He's such a jerk.

I'm worried that your abrasiveness

and general demeanor

will hinder you in the workplace.

You put a plate full of raw beef

in front of me,

I think it's tartare,

and I'm the idiot? [scoffs]

I'm sorry if I expect my food

to be properly cooked

whilst I sit in a restaurant.

What am I, a chef? Uh-uh.

- Do I got a Michelin star?

- You could if you wanted to.

She did this sh*t on purpose

to make me look stupid.

This was a power play.

I don't think she tried to power play.

Can't get the image of barbecued vomit

out of my head now.

This shitty computer

isn't taking my password.

- That's my...

- Take my password!

[yells]

That's my laptop.

Bring me my laptop.

How could you let them

pick the restaurant?

- It was your turn to choose.

- No, you chose last time.

Damn it.

Rick is worse than before.

- He tried to fire a mailman today.

- My God.

- Mailmen work for the U.S. government.

- Get them together before they kill us.

I can feel it in my bones

that Kirsten is capable of murder.

- [exhales] So, what are we gonna do?

- I don't know.

It's your turn to figure something out.

Why isn't there anything

in my calendar at 2 p.m.?

You know I need a hard out

after family events.

Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I didn't know

that your lunch was with family.

- I'll figure it out right now.

- If I pay you to make my life easier,

but instead, you make it harder,

you're useless to me.

Do you understand?

So, bad news is,

Kirsten ripped me a new one.

Good news is I now have time

to see Golf Guy.

- Mm.

- What is this? Charlie?

- Oh, my God.

- This is Rick's son's science project.

Life gave me lemons,

and I used it to battery-power lemonade.

Can you... fix it?

No. It was a masterpiece,

and now he's not even getting a ribbon.

Go, get out of here. Save yourself.

- Good luck.

- Thank you.

We need a new project.

Whole new thing.

- Yeah.

- What about Golf Guy?

I don't wanna squeeze

my salamander too hard.

I honestly did not know that someone could

do this to lemons with their bare hands.

[Charlie laughing] Rick was so pissed.

Imagine if a duck were on meth,

it was like, "Hey, Charlie. Charlie."

- Sounded like that duck.

- Why do you work for this guy?

- Why don't you just... quit?

- Are you insane?

I've spent three years

doing every sh*t errand imaginable.

Can't quit.

I'd have to start all over,

and all of this would've been a waste.

Plus, Rick is the most respected VC

of all time, so if he makes me an analyst,

- I can get a job anywhere.

- But do you like the actual work?

Nobody likes the actual work.

That's the job.

Do the best one

where you make the most money.

Hmm.

Okay, why do you work for Kirsten?

I work for Kirsten because I wanna write

the articles that made me cry

when I was a little girl, and Kirsten's

the best sports journalist there is.

Well, has she read any of your stuff?

I haven't written anything

or finished writing anything.

My days are so long

and so exhausting

it's like when I have time,

everything I write is... bad.

- That is probably not true.

- It is true.

I think I wanted to impress her

and I wanted her to like me,

so, it's just like, I worked so hard

at being this great assistant

and making sure she was happy that...

I don't know, feels like I might have lost

any writing skill I ever had.

Well, that is definitely not true.

You're a terrible assistant.

[laughs]

Can you pass me a few of those?

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