Set It Up Page #7

---

- You ready?

- I'm ready.

- What?

- Yeah.

Holy sh*t. How does that work?

Well, the bonds in the milk connect

with the DNA in the...

I have no idea. I'm not a scientist.

All the supplies are in the bag.

Feels like a winner.

This isn't as good as the lemons.

[Charlie over phone] He wasn't happy,

but he didn't break anything,

- so, maybe that's an improvement.

- [Harper] Well, technically, he's right,

but given the fact

that we did that in the night,

- Magic Milk should win a Nobel Prize.

- [Rick] Charlie!

Yo!

- Oh, my God. I think Rick's drunk.

- What?

[laughs]

I've never seen him drunk before.

He's violent when he's sober.

- Charlie...?

- [line disconnects]

[humming]

- Yeah.

- Do it with me, white boy.

Yeah. Get over here, you dig it?

Come on, man.

Come on.

[singing] Charlie chicken and grits

Huh!

You don't know that sh*t.

Um...

You're a good guy.

Do you know that?

- For real.

- What?

I appreciate you.

And I should tell you that more often.

Good idea. Let's have another drink.

- Okay.

- Oh, no. No, no, no. I got it.

I hate losing, Charlie.

And she thinks I'm a loser.

What should I do?

You're a person.

What would you do?

- Apologize.

- No. Next.

Tell her she's good at her job.

Tell her you respect what she does.

Just tell her you see her.

Ew.

- What does that even mean?

- I don't know.

I think maybe it's just...

Maybe it's just what I'd wanna hear.

[computer beeps]

Hmm?

[door closes nearby]

Hey.

- What are you doing here?

- [clears throat]

I see you.

What? What does that even mean?

I see you.

"I see you," like...

I see you.

[chuckles]

- Oh. Lock the door.

- Mm-hm.

Yes, ma'am.

I meant that as a joke.

[laughing]

You're the boss.

[Rick laughs]

Let's go to your apartment. I'm serious.

[laughs]

Rick.

[both laughing]

[knock on door]

- [Harper] Charlie?

- I want rose petals everywhere.

I need it to look like a massacre

at a flower shop.

Nantucket is a go. They land in an hour,

I put the champagne

- on Rick's credit card. Here you go.

- Hotel room is all set.

- It's about to be Boner City in there.

- Wow, okay.

Someone say Boner City?

Frigging love that place.

Harper, this is Duncan. My roommate.

He's a teacher

at a middle school in the Bronx.

But he's gay, so,

keep your ovaries in your pants.

- I'll just shove them back in there.

- [Charlie] What are you...?

- Why are you dressed like that?

- For Becca's engagement party tonight.

What are you wearing?

Where are the rest of your shorts?

These are cool, all right?

Suze likes short shorts on guys.

- Stop.

- [laughing] Your shorts suck.

You know what, stop it.

You're not friends.

- I feel like we're becoming friends.

- We're friends.

- Do you wanna come to this party?

- I don't think so.

I gotta finish writing this article

to distract myself.

Distract yourself from what?

The fact that Golf Guy

hasn't called me in a few days.

- Like zero contact?

- Yeah, but he'll call me soon,

'cause he said he was gonna come

to Becca's party tonight.

- Whatever. It's not like I care.

- It's gonna be fun.

- Duncan?

- [Duncan] Free booze and hot dogs.

- You've convinced me. I'll be there.

- Perfect. She's my plus one.

You're my plus one.

I'm Suze's plus one. You're a plus two.

- So, she's my plus three.

- I'm his plus three.

What?

[cheering]

[announcer] DJ JC,

kicking it live on the dance floor.

- Yes!

- Oh, my God.

- [Charlie] You see all the hot guys?

- [Duncan] Don't do that.

Everybody's so tan. Oh, my goodness.

Look at you. You look so pretty.

Duncan, you know Suze.

I heard you were coming,

and I still showed up, so...

- Harper.

- I'm Harper.

- Oh!

- [Harper screams]

- How are you doing this?

- I get you every time. Yeah.

Stop. Stop hugging each other.

You are not friends.

We're killing it.

Do you guys know each other?

It's like Battle of the Bulge over here.

It's a war zone.

- Hey, Charlie.

- He's not gonna call you,

- and it's not a big deal.

- I slept with him.

I don't do that with many people.

Thanks, Duncan.

First guy I ever slept with came out

while he was inside of me.

I hate to be the one

that has to explain this.

- That's actually how sex works.

- That's not what she's talking about, bro.

- He came out as a gay man.

- While he was inside you?

Yeah, you know, it's kind of like

you don't really know until you tried it.

And then, once you tried it,

you really know.

Wow.

Well, you know what?

Golf Guy wasn't like that.

He was perfect.

I think your bar for perfect

is really low.

Can we stop? We're gonna play

a game called hard to get.

Hard to get? Makes no sense.

It's evolutionarily unsound.

Why would a caveman want a cavewoman

who was like, "Go get me food.

When you come back,

maybe there'll be a cave for you,

maybe there won't be."

Men should want women

that are gonna keep the coziest,

warmest caves. Men need shelter.

- I am guaranteeing shelter.

- Screw Golf Guy.

I did screw Golf Guy. That's why

I'm having this frigging problem.

No, forget about him.

I will go with you to the party.

I will be your other salamander.

What are you talking about?

What about Suze?

She should see what it's like

when her cave doesn't have any fire.

But I'm not the cavewoman.

I am still the man.

Let's just go.

[chattering]

- You're getting married!

- Hi! Hi!

- Hey, angel, I'm so sorry I'm late.

- That's okay. I don't care.

- How do I look? That's what I care about.

- How do you look? You look so beautiful.

- Really?

- Incredible.

- Like slutty first Holy Communion, right?

- Yes. Exactly.

- Is that Golf Guy?

- No. This is Charlie, from work.

- Hi, Charlie from work. Nice to meet you.

- Thanks for having me.

[Looking Glass's "Brandy" playing]

There's a port on a western bay

And it serves a hundred ships a day

[glass clinking]

So, as most of you know,

I have, um, dated a lot of guys.

[all chuckle]

- Hear, hear. That's my girl.

- I've liked a lot of things about them.

Like, yeah. And then I met Mike over here,

and there was a lot to not like about him.

[all laughing]

He, um, dresses like a stepdad,

as you can see.

- He listens to Creed.

- Just their old stuff.

- Non-ironically.

- Okay, but they are good.

Every single time he hears a siren,

he goes, "That's my ride."

This is super fun for me, by the way.

And yet...

Oh, man, I'm completely

and totally in love with him.

When I was little, my grandmother,

she used to say:

"You like because, and you love despite."

You like someone

because of all of their qualities,

and you love someone

despite some of their qualities.

Mikey... [giggles]

I like you almost as much as I love you,

and I can't wait to marry you.

[guests murmuring]

[all cheering]

Okay, sorry. Get drunk

so I have fun stories to tell.

[Harper] Wow, all the way to the top.

[Charlie] I don't think

we need new shot glasses.

Thank you.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Okay, to the last penis of my life.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes