Set It Up Page #9

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- About MyChef?

- No, dummy. About the wedding.

And the date. Six weeks before hers.

Is she invited?

Send her a big bouquet of daisies.

She hates daisies.

With a note that says, "Ha, ha.

I'm gonna beat you to the altar.

But tonight, we're gonna knock boots

like we did on that Swiss gondola."

- And, obviously,

- Um, what?

Tell Kirsten I have a meeting

or something tonight.

Well... I just thought, uh...

I thought you were gonna marry Kirsten.

Yeah, I am. Which reminds me.

This week, go to a ring spot

and get a ring so big,

you can see that sh*t from space.

Food here sucks.

Charlie, you did it.

What? Well, I didn't.

I did it. We both did it.

What are we talking about?

I know this started out selfishly for us,

but we made two people fall in love.

We made two miserable people happy.

I thought best-case,

they'd date for a month.

But they actually really like each other.

We changed their lives.

I'm proud of us.

I think we did something really good.

Me, too.

So, I was looking at

the, uh, Caneel Bay Resort.

They have a, uh, slot next Saturday.

Will you come help me pick out the ring?

Absolutely not. I gotta go to the office,

drop off these things.

Please? You're better at this than me.

I need female expertise.

You know what Kirsten likes.

You're beautiful.

You're charming. You are witty.

- You are clever...

- Okay, fine. [laughs]

Yes! Great.

If you're going back to the office,

can you grab Rick's personal Amex

on my desk?

[Rick] You gotta warn me if you're gonna

send me photos like that when I'm at work.

Oh, no, no. Of course I want them.

I don't wanna show them

to a bunch of Japanese bankers.

[Rick laughs]

Okay.

Tonight, you need to wear that red dress.

Because you look so hot in that dress.

I can't concentrate.

[Kiki] Good. I don't work this hard on

this body for it not to be a distraction.

We're not married anymore.

You can't tell me what to wear.

Can we try that thing we did

on our honeymoon?

- You think you could see this from space?

- [laughs] Yes.

- Hi.

- Oh, is this the lucky lady?

How do you think Kirsten feels

about blood diamonds?

Uh...

Here. It was so weird when I got the card.

I heard Rick flirting

with somebody on the phone.

I think Kirsten's in a meeting.

What do you think that was?

I... What I think it probably was,

he likes to leave like a super-sexy

little voicemail for her to listen to.

And hear later.

- I...

- Yes.

think Kirsten likes topaz.

Do you think she likes topaz?

Sure. Do you think Kiki likes topaz?

She didn't mention it

when she and Rick were having phone sex.

- You tricked me. That was entrapment.

- You just admitted it.

- You lied to me. You knew.

- It's one time. It was a mistake.

- Doesn't mean anything.

- After everything we did...

He's confused. He just needed to get it

out of his system before the wedding.

The wedding?

They can't still get married, Charlie.

Oh, this is for a wedding.

I actually have a great selection.

We need one minute. Thank you.

Harper, we can keep this from her.

We control their phones, e-mails.

We're the men behind the curtain.

She doesn't have to know.

You wanna help Rick cheat on Kirsten?

We have faked their entire relationship.

Now one thing goes wrong, it's a crime

to suddenly work behind the scenes?

No.

It was never okay.

But now you're willing...

to ruin somebody's life

just so you can keep dating

some boring girl

and work longer hours

in a job that does not matter.

Whose life am I ruining? Theirs?

- They had no lives. We gave them lives.

- Oh, my God.

[chuckles] You're worse than Rick.

Rick is... He's a selfish,

superficial a**hole, but he can't help it.

You could be a good person,

but you wanna be an a**hole.

You're so obsessed with getting promoted

and becoming Rick.

You're choosing to be a piece of sh*t.

Stop pretending

this is some moral dilemma.

You are afraid

not to be an assistant anymore.

That's ridiculous.

Have you written anything

with all this free time?

Anything? You finish one article

or you just keep planning to?

I think you'd rather run around,

getting coffee than sit down,

write something and find out you suck.

[sighs]

I'm telling Kirsten.

The whole truth.

All of it.

Harper.

[alarm wailing]

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

That was the...

You're not under arrest.

Put your hands down.

We need to get the ring off.

This happens all the time.

Not the part where you two collaborate

to, like, trick your bosses

into dating and then it blows...

I wasn't listening.

Listen, I'm giving you good advice

When it comes to love

Don't think twice

First there's kissing...

- [server] Anyone for cake?

- I'll try one.

Hey.

Uh, I'm sorry to just show up.

- You forgot this.

- Thanks. Honestly, you saved me.

If I have to hear another woman talk about

how much her nipples changed

since giving birth, I'll kill myself.

I swear to God, Harper.

I walked in here with a fianc,

and suddenly, I'm a member of a club.

They wanna talk about having kids.

- First, I have to be a stepmother.

- I don't think you should be a stepmother.

I don't think you should marry Rick

because you don't actually like him.

- Of course I do. I love him.

- No, you don't.

This whole thing,

your whole relationship, it's not real.

What are you talking about?

- Rick's assistant and I set you up.

- No, you didn't.

We shut down the elevator so you'd meet.

The Yankees game,

I got you on the Kiss Cam.

And when you guys broke up...

we told him what to say.

Nantucket, the flowers, that was us.

We made you think you liked each other.

You don't know this guy. You don't like

him. What you feel for him, it's not real.

You have no idea what is real.

You think you understand the intimacy

of a relationship?

You're 25. I don't care how it started.

- He doesn't see you. He...

- Stop...

talking.

You're fired.

What?

Get out.

Tickets booked?

Uh... Yeah. Yes.

They are.

For the wedding.

Cool.

[Armon Jay's "Better Off Without" playing]

[line ringing]

- [woman] Kirsten Stevens' office.

- You don't wanna talk,

- but hear me out.

- Who is this?

Harper?

I'm covering Kirsten's desk.

Can I help you?

No.

Thank you.

And it's broken now

I can't seem to fix it

[alarm ringing]

Coming to drinks later?

Oh, I can't change

What already happened

I can only control how I react

We thought the market cap was overvalued.

We looked at college towns,

and surprisingly...

You gotta be better.

This is not working.

Sometimes I wonder

If you're better off

Sometimes I wonder

If you're better off

Without me

Mom, it turns out touring wedding venues

is so much more fun than touring colleges,

because of all the free food

and booze out...

Oh, I gotta call you back.

Oh, my God.

It is like a tornado hit a Chinese...

Hey, are you okay?

Why are you not at work? Harper.

Because I got fired.

Really?

That's amazing.

Congratulations.

Right?

Are you okay?

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