Sexy Baby Page #5

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I WOULD SAY,

LET'S SEE,

THIS IS THE ISSUE...

IT'S ABOUT FINDING

THE BALANCE, AND IT'S HARD.

I MEAN IT'S HARD

TO FIND IT AT 40,

LET ALONE AT 13.

Winnifred:

"A SCANNER ERROR HAS OCCURRED,

TURN POWER OFF:

AND TURN ON AGAIN."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PHOTOCOPYING MY BUTT,

LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS.

DADDY-O, YOU GOT

THE SWAGGER OF A CHAMPION

TOO BAD FOR YOU:

YOU JUST CAN'T FIND

THE RIGHT COMPANION

C'MON. WHOA.

I GUESS WHEN:

YOU HAVE ONE TOO...

DAD, CAN I TALK TO

YOU PLEASE? NO! NO! DAD!

IT'S OKAY.

WHAT IF, WHAT IF,

DAD, CAN I GO TO

SCHOOL AGAIN EARLY?

THAT FELT GOOD.

I FELT ACCOMPLISHED.

I LIKE THAT METHODOLOGY.

BECAUSE I FEEL ACCOMPLISHED

TOO, YOU KNOW WHY?

IT ACTUALLY FORCES ME

TO GET UP, TOO. IT'S GOOD.

AND YOU GET:

A FREE CAB RIDE.

OH, MY GOD. DAD.

I'VE HAD

LIKE 6 CAB DRIVERS

AND LIKE 3 OF THEM

HAVE NOT MADE:

ME PAY, OKAY?

SWEAR TO GOD. HE

DIDN'T MAKE ME PAY!

ACTUALLY HE DIDN'T

MAKE ME GIVE HIM A TIP.

IS IT LIKE "OH,

YOU'RE A NICE GIRL,

I'M SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO BY

YOURSELF TO SCHOOL".

NO, I JUST BLOW THEM.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING, I DON'T

EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

GET OFF OF ME.

[INDISTINCT].

DAD! WHAT?

THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.

HOLY SH*T!

WHAT THE F IS THAT?

OH MY GOD, IT'S BLOOD,

I HAD MY PERIOD!

[MAKING PHONE NOISES]

"MOM, CALL ME BACK,

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY. DAD,

I NEED A MINUTE!"

(HEAVY BREATHING)

STUFFING TOILET PAPER

IN UNDERWEAR.

"OKAY, I'M COMING!"

AND SCENE.

ARE YOU WEARING MY BRA?

THIS IS NOT YOUR BRA.

THE BIO-FIT.

THIS IS MY BRA.

LET ME SEE THIS.

OH, IT'S YOURS.

[RINGING]

WHO IS IT?

CAN YOU LEAVE?

CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

I'M VIDEO CHATTING

WITH SOMEONE! GO!

HE CANCELLED--HE CANCELLED

THE INVITATION!

GOD I HATE YOU.

WHY ARE YOU HIDING

STUFF FROM ME?

BECAUSE YOU'RE

SO WEIRD, MOM!

[LAUGHTER AND

INDISTINCT TALKING]

GO AWAY! OKAY, OKAY,

ACCEPT, ACCEPT.

HI. WHAT?

Boy:
MY SISTER JUST

CAME TO MY COMPUTER

AND LIKE, LOOKED

THROUGH ALL MY STUFF.

THAT'S WEIRD.

[EXHALES]

ALRIGHT, I HAVE TO

GO SHOWER, BUT I'LL

TALK TO YOU LATER.

ALRIGHT, BYE.

BYE.

MY GOD! THAT WAS

LIKE THE MOST:

AWKWARD THING EVER!

I NEED TO HOOKUP

WITH SOMEBODY.

I DON'T WANT TO DATE THEM,

I JUST WANT TO STICK

MY TONGUE IN THEIR MOUTH.

THAT WAS GRAPHIC, SORRY.

IT HAPPENS,

IT HAPPENS OVERNIGHT.

THE INTERESTS:

COMPLETELY CHANGE.

THEY ISOLATE:

THEMSELVES MORE FROM YOU.

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S

AGE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

BEING COGNIZANT OF

THE OPPOSITE SEX.

SO, LET'S SAY, LIKE,

I'M TALKING TO

A REALLY HOT GUY,

AND I KNOW I'M GOING

TO GET WITH HIM,

AND I KNOW HE'S

STALKING ME ON FACEBOOK.

I'D PROBABLY DO THIS ONE.

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE, SEDUCTIVE.

SO BASICALLY, LIKE, THERE

WAS THIS REALLY HOT GUY

THAT WE WERE LIKE HOOKING UP.

AND LIKE, I SNUCK OUT

TO SEE HIM AND LIKE,

I LIKE, COULDN'T REALLY,

LIKE, SEE HIM THAT MUCH.

AND LIKE, I REALLY WANTED

TO BE LIKE, CLOSE TO HIM,

SO I JUST LIKE SENT

HIM, LIKE, A PHOTO.

AND THEN HE LIKE,

PUT IT ON FACEBOOK

AND I GUESS A COUPLE

PEOPLE SAW, LIKE, MY BRA.

B*OBS LIKE OUT--NOT LIKE

OUT, BUT THERE WAS LIKE,

A BRA, AND IT WAS

LIKE A SEXY BRA.

AND THEN I WAS LIKE OR

SOMETHING. I FORGET.

BUT IT WAS JUST LIKE, I FELT

KIND OF DIRTY AFTERWARDS

BECAUSE I JUST FELT LIKE

MISCONCEIVED:

FOR 2 MINUTES ON HIS WALL.

EVERY GIRL WANTS

TO FEEL, LIKE, SEXY.

AND I FEEL LIKE A GUY

TELLING YOU THAT, LIKE,

JUST MAKES YOUR DAY, LIKE,

MAKES YOU FEEL REALLY GOOD.

LIKE MEGAN FOX, EVERY

GIRL WANTS TO BE HER.

VAGINA, CLITORIS,

UTERUS AND MORE,

BY SCARLETEEN, SEX ED.

FOR THE REAL WORLD.

RAWR!

YOU KNOW PEOPLE ARE

GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY

ON THEIR VAGINAS?

WAIT, ACTUALLY?

YEAH, WOMEN THINK

THAT THEIR VAGINAS

ARE TOO DROOPY AND STUFF.

WHAT THE F***,

I DON'T NEED TO SEE

THE CLITORAL...

GO TO "LABIAPLASTY."

THIS IS THE SURGERY.

BEFORE AND AFTER!

BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS,

DR. BENSON IN TEXAS.

OH, SHE DEFINITELY

NEEDED SOME LABIA SURGERY!

SO THE DOCTOR IS

GOING TO CALL YOU

AND LET YOU KNOW

WHAT TIME YOU'RE

SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW?

YES.

I HOPE HE CALLS:

YOU TONIGHT.

I GUESS I'M KIND OF

IN THE DARK, MOM.

IT WAS NOT:

SOMETHING THAT:

MY MOM AND I:

HAD EVER DISCUSSED.

AND THEN SO:

I WAS LIKE, WOW,

KIDS ARE REALLY:

MORE UNINHIBITED NOWADAYS.

AND I GUESS I DIDN'T

TAKE IT SERIOUSLY

BECAUSE OF THE EXPENSE.

BUT SHE DIDN'T LET UP,

SHE CONTINUED:

FOR LIKE 2 YEARS!

I FEEL ALREADY, JUST

KNOWING THAT I'M GETTING IT,

I ALREADY FEEL HAPPIER,

AND LIKE,

MORE MOTIVATED TO DO

THE THINGS THAT I

WANT TO ACCOMPLISH.

I FEEL MORE OUTGOING AND

JUST ALL AROUND HAPPIER.

GOOD!

SHE'S AN ADULT NOW,

AND IF THIS IS SOMETHING

THAT SHE FEELS WILL

ENHANCE HER LIFE,

IMPROVE HER LIFE,

I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.

DON'T CRY.

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE WAS MY LITTLE BUDDY.

SHE WOULD GO WITH ME

ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE.

SHE'D PLAY WITH

HER BARBIES:

AND HER BABIES:

AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

WE WERE VERY, I THOUGHT,

VERY, VERY CLOSE.

THEN YOU GOT:

INTO MIDDLE SCHOOL.

(LAUGHING)

I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA

OF GROWING UP.

I GET NOSTALGIC,

THEN I START LOOKING THROUGH

PICTURES OF MYSELF,

WHEN MY PARENTS:

USED TO LOVE ME.

AND THEN I CRY:

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE

I'M NOT THE WAY I USED TO BE

AND I'M NOT, LIKE,

INTERESTING ANYMORE.

CAN I PLEASE GO WITH

MY FRIENDS ON FRIDAY?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

MISS GYMNASTICS SO YOU

CAN GO TO A MOVIE.

WAIT, WHY? DO YOU KNOW HOW

HORRIBLE IT IS FOR ME

TO DO GYMNASTICS?

YOU KNOW I HATE GYMNASTICS?

OKAY, QUIT.

WE DO BATTLE ABOUT NEXT YEAR,

WHETHER SHE'S GOING

TO CONTINUE WITH IT.

AND I'VE HAD A LITTLE

PEEK INTO WHAT SHE DOES

WHEN SHE HAS MORE

TIME ON HER HANDS.

AND IT'S, IT'S NOT PRETTY.

IT SCARES THE BEJESUS

OUT OF ME, ACTUALLY.

LIKE, MY MOM PUTS

SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME

TO LIKE, WRITE

AND WRITE POETRY.

AND I LIKE DOING THAT STUFF,

BUT I WISH I LIKED IT MORE.

I DON'T KNOW,

I JUST WANT HER TO

BE LIKE, PROUD OF ME.

I MEAN, THERE'S STUFF

THAT I KNOW CORRUPTS ME.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE IT.

LIKE FACEBOOK.

I MEAN, FACEBOOK IS

LITERALLY LIKE 30% MY LIFE.

AND IT SHOULDN'T BE.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF ME

IN MY BRA ON FACEBOOK.

IT'S STILL UP THERE.

IT'S ON OLIVIA'S PAGE -- LIV.

I'M NOT GONNA DO IT

AGAIN, I PROMISE YOU!

I'VE NEVER--

NOPE. NO.

I'VE HEARD THIS BEFORE.

NO YOU HAVEN'T!

OH, YEAH, I HAVE.

I, I, I MEAN IT!

I MEAN IT, PLEASE.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING

FACEBOOK BACK RIGHT NOW. NO.

CAN I HAVE FACEBOOK BACK?

Ken on phone:
UM, NO.

IF YOU SAW YOUR KID

SHNARFFING DOWN A BAG

OF POTATO CHIPS,

YOU'D SAY "HEY,

NO MORE POTATO CHIPS!"

FACEBOOK'S NO

DIFFERENT REALLY,

BUT IT'S JUST HARDER, IT'S

HARDER TO LEGISLATE.

BECAUSE THEY HAVE COMPUTERS,

THEY HAVE PHONES,

AND THEY CAN GET ON

IT WITHOUT YOU KNOWING.

TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE

ALL THE B*TCHES LOVE ME

Woman:
WHOO!

ALL MY B*TCHES LOVE ME,

ALL--ALL MY B*TCHES LOVE ME

ALL MY B*TCHES LOVE ME,

YOU F***ING WITH MY DOUGIE?

THE WAY I SEE SOME

OF YOUR FRIENDS:

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