Sexy Evil Genius Page #6

an easy sentence, you know?

Then I started working my angles

to get her out early

at the hospital because...

She just makes me feel like I'm 20 again.

She's walking Viagra.

Okay, so she wasn't faking insanity?

Not in my opinion, no.

And she's not even cured,

but she doesn't realize it yet.

She's zipped out of her mind,

but she thinks she's

brilliant-diamond clear.

I mean, I didn't realize

how disturbed she was mentally

until I had already sprung her.

And by then, it was too late.

What's she done that's so crazy?

She traded in my Jag for an old '67

GTO with a shot transmission

because she didn't wanna drive

around in an elitist vehicle.

That's not crazy. It's just Nik.

Yeah, Nikki hates every

car built after 1979.

Except the Mini Cooper.

How about she slept

with my psychiatrist friend

and God knows how many others

so she can get out of the institution?

One other guy comes to mind.

I am positive she murdered

my sister's cockatoo.

Zorro! Zorro!

I can't prove it,

but she always hated that bird.

We weren't at my sister's

house for more than 30 minutes

and that bird Zorro was

on the bottom of the cage, feet up, dead.

Do you really think

she's a homicidal maniac?

No, no, that's just some line

we came up with for her defense,

but I sure think she's something.

And you didn't realize any of this

until you sprung her

from the insane asylum?

- That's...

- That's f***ed up.

- Yeah.

- I know.

I feel like Dr. Frankenstein,

my monster out there running amok.

I hope you end up

better than Dr. Frankenstein.

Quite honestly, I didn't

even wanna be here.

I knew Nikki was up

to her old tricks, scheming, right?

But it was you, Marvin... You, you knew.

I did? What?

I was curious to meet with three people

who had been her lovers and survived.

I figured I might pick up a pointer or two.

You think she wants to kill you?

Yeah.

After we get married for my money

or after she decides she hates me.

Most definitely.

Listen, fellas, I keep

having this reoccurring nightmare,

you know?

And I'm like that bird

trapped in the cage and...

My bed's on fire.

But I wake up screaming

and who's that lying in the bed next to me,

staring at me?

Nikki.

I mean, she does have

a warped sense of humor.

Very.

How did you guys end it with her?

I mean, that's...

That's what I really need to know.

We didn't. She broke up with us.

Yeah, I mean, Miranda is the only one

who had the guts to drop Nikki.

They've been gone a long time.

I'm gonna...

Nikki? Miranda?

You guys okay in there?

We're fine. I'm good.

- You're not gonna believe this.

- Did Nikki try to kill you?

- What?

- Bert was out there.

He was telling us about

Nikki committing homicide on a cockatoo

and having these recurring dreams

about being burned alive,

and I just... Well, I realized that you

had been gone alone a while...

I'm way off base, aren't I?

- Not really, no.

- I'm not?

No, I was actually just surprised

by the accuracy of your question.

She gave me this.

Is that a gun? That's a real gun?

She pulled it out of her garter belt.

She's wearing garter belts?

I know. I have to admit it was kinda hot.

She just, like, pulled that out,

gave it to you?

Yeah. I actually thought

she was gonna shoot me at first,

but then she handed it to me

and said, "As insurance."

- Insurance? What for?

- I don't know.

Maybe so she wouldn't be tempted to use it.

- On who?

- Bert, herself, who knows?

I'm gonna put this away because...

I'm actually beginning

to revise my theory on her mental state.

- Yeah, me, too. She's insane.

- And on the war path.

All right, we should call the cops.

- And tell them what?

- About the gun, her plan?

We don't know her plan

and the gun is in my possession.

I can't exactly slip it back

into her garter belt.

So, we're stuck.

What was... What was that for?

Us getting together,

which was also part of Nikki's plan,

I'm just gonna go with it.

Are we out of here soon?

Why? Nervous?

Yeah, right.

That died quick.

Sure did.

If I didn't know any better, Nikki

I'd say you were up to something,

sitting there like a Cheshire Cat,

grinning and laughing.

Don't you know the joke?

The joke?

The one you had on me?

That you were into jazz,

the Rebops, our whole scene

but really I was just kitschy fun for you?

That word "kitschy,"

it really gets under your skin,

now doesn't it?

Listen, there's nothing

kitschy about having soul,

living jazz, rolling to your own groove.

It's authentic, not like you.

I love it when you get

all I'm-Miles-Davis and F***-the-White-Man.

It's cute.

That wasn't the joke I was thinking of,

but like that one, this one's on you, too.

Really?

How about this?

- Your fianc...

- Here we go.

...thinks you're a homicidal maniac

on the loose.

No! No; No,

- No, I don't.

- Please, Bert.

The whole time she was in the bathroom,

you were trying to convince Zach and me

that she belongs back in the nut house.

You know, that is

a gross misrepresentation of what I said.

Come on, Bert, she's got you

by the short and curlies.

You know what? You have

no credibility here, okay?

You're the ex-boyfriend, right?

I'm not sure I like your

friends, sweetheart.

And I am most positive they don't like me,

so we need to shove off.

You know the joke.

I do?

What joke?

Tonight is not about us

pressuring your old man

into giving you a wedding date, is it?

No.

Then what is it about?

Revenge.

What do you mean revenge, baby?

I mean f***ers pay.

Damn, I felt that in my spine.

You guys. You guys just missed

Nikki informing Bert and me

that tonight is about revenge.

Yeah.

- We knew that.

- What?

- What, you guessed?

- No.

Nikki told me in the bathroom, I told Zach,

and we've been

trying to figure out her intentions.

You got lipstick on your ear?

We also made out a bit.

So, what's your hypothesis?

First of all, we believe you.

You're insane.

I was. I'm cured.

No, you still are.

I'm not a boo-scary homicidal maniac.

I'm sorry, but we think so.

It's sad. I'm sad about it.

Bert, tell them.

Darling,

I agree with them.

- You do?

- Afraid so.

How could you say that?

Some unspeakable horror

has been brewing inside you

since your release.

Yeah.

And tonight it's come to a head.

You need help, dear.

You're... You're not well.

You wouldn't know.

I was so complimented

when you guys saw right through

my Slaughterhouse-Five defense,

but now I'm...

I'm disappointed.

You bought my bullshit.

Wake up, people.

We just realized that

your bullshit was real.

You don't make idle threats.

We're worried about you

and what you might do.

I'm perfectly sane. I have been always.

Insanity was just my bogus legal defense.

You know,

I fooled everyone, even you guys.

You're fooling yourself.

Maybe you always were insane,

even way back in high school.

Maybe faking it for court was easy.

You just had to act natural.

You even had me fooled

in the beginning, but not now.

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