Sexy Evil Genius Page #7

Yeah. Me and Zach,

we understand your feelings

for wanting revenge.

- You do?

- Yeah.

I mean, Bert,

f***ing your client

who's facing life in prison,

that's just a straight-up abuse of power.

I resent that. I love Nik.

Back the f*** off.

You're right.

He is a good liar.

Yeah, I really know how to pick 'em.

And then you got Marvin here,

who pleads ignorance

about planting that heroin

and pushing you off the wagon.

Yo, I thought we quashed that beef.

Maybe.

I mean, we can never know

if that claim is true or not.

But if Nikki thinks it happened,

you're in jeopardy.

- Of what?

- Being shot, for one.

- Nikki's gonna shoot me?

- Who knows?

She wants revenge.

Don't worry.

I thought about it, fantasized, but no.

And then there's me.

I broke up with Nikki.

It was five years ago,

but she can hold a grudge

longer than the half-life of uranium.

That's good enough

motivation to knock me off.

I betrayed you. I left you.

But our quandary, the question of Zach.

Yeah.

We couldn't figure out

why you'd want revenge on me.

If you were to, say, whip out a pistol

and shoot everyone at this table, why me?

What did I ever do to you

that was so awful?

I'm sorry. What's with all the chit-chat

about people getting shot?

- It's a hypothetical.

- Yeah.

We thought if Nikki was to go homicidal,

how would she do it?

What method would she use?

Right, and my theory

was shooting rampage.

But we moved off that because

once the first person got shot,

everyone would dive for cover.

She'd be lucky to get two of us.

And then there's reloading, so...

I'd need a machine gun.

Then we thought she gathered us all

because she wanted to kill herself.

- She's very theatrical.

- We moved off that.

Nikki might joke about suicide,

but she would never commit it.

She loves life too much.

Her mantra in rehab was...

"Kurt Cobain was a p*ssy."

It's true, he was.

Dave Grohl made Nirvana.

Let me get this straight, you two froot

loops were making out in the bathroom

and just dreaming up these scenarios?

Yeah.

And I thought Nik was psychotic.

Stop calling me Nik, motherf***er!

What?

I can take psychotic from you,

but not Nik, not anymore.

I never knew Nik bothered you.

It makes me wanna

scratch your face off with my fingernails.

I'm sorry.

You never said anything.

So, Nikki.

- Nikki?

- Yeah?

How are you going to take revenge?

And on who?

I mean, let's see.

If I wanted to kill all of you at once,

a curious proposition, the way to go,

my method... Let's see.

Would be a modified Jim Jones.

I'd poison all your cocktails.

- Drinks?

- Sprite.

Anybody else?

- I'm okay.

- No, no.

No. Just the check, please.

You'd poison our cocktails?

Well, yeah. I mean, why not?

I'm practically an expert.

I killed Mark Von Douchebag

with a quarter gram

of super-concentrated, tasteless, odorless

arsenic I brewed up myself.

Wait a second.

I never heard you say that before.

You always insisted that...

You couldn't remember.

You brewed it yourself?

Yeah. It was easy.

I found the recipe on the Internet.

I distilled four big boxes of rat poison

down to just one cup

of pure, potent,

toxic bliss.

It brought me back to

AP chemistry, which I aced.

But that class with Mr. Plunk, the guy with

the mustache... You remember that?

I do. She got an A.

All that homework paid off.

Mark dropped dead inside 72 minutes.

You timed it?

Yeah, of course.

- I watched...

- F***.

... him breathe his last breath.

It was beautiful.

Are you saying you slipped us a mickey

when you brought those drinks

or in the champagne?

Take your pick. I could've

done it either way

if I wanted to kill all of you.

That was the question.

- Do you?

- No.

- Some of us?

- No.

- Any of us?

- Relax. It's just a parlor game.

I hope so.

Is it?

What?

Me? Why?

Relax, Zach. No reason to poison you.

- You're already dead.

- I am?

Practically, yes.

You have a meaningless job you hate

that sucks the joy out of your life.

You eat at home, alone, every night.

You buy tons of toys

and crap you don't need

to make you happy, but you're miserable.

Aside from 15 minutes ago,

I bet you haven't kissed a girl in months.

Your existence is blah.

You've lost your mojo.

- Zach had mojo?

- Fuckloads.

I did. In high school.

How do you know

any of this stuff about me?

I haven't even seen you in a decade.

- I've been spying on you.

- You have?

How long?

Four months.

You've only been out for four months.

Bingo!

I've been planning tonight

since before I got out.

I'm gonna tell you guys an embarrassing

and revealing story

about me involving Zach.

I've never told this to anyone except Zach.

We got together when we were 15.

Zach was a virgin, I wasn't.

Nikki, stop. You don't have to go there.

I was molested.

I suspected something like that.

And not just once either.

There was an uncle, my third grade teacher,

my soccer coach,

my mom's boyfriend.

That's enough to drive you insane,

right there.

I felt like I was up for grabs.

Like my body wasn't mine.

My own skin...

Repulsed me.

And then I met this cool guy, Zach.

We have lots of classes together

because we're both genius freshmen.

We worshipped the same obscure bands,

and so we started going on dates.

And Zach was...

a perfect gentleman.

You know, I made up

these rules for what I was comfortable with

for when we were kissing, and his hands...

they never strayed.

And so I knew at the end of our junior year

that I wanted to pop his cherry

like a big, juicy bug-

She just asked me one day out of the blue.

Blew my mind.

Okay.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right. Bye.

Bye.

It was a disaster.

The minute we get down

to doing the dirty deed,

I feel this, like, intense, sharp

pain through my entire body

and it cripples me and I can't stop crying.

Virgin idiot methinks

I screwed up the condom

or something... Hurt you.

That's horrible.

It took me a whole month to get the

courage to ask Zach to try again.

The second time was even worse.

F***!

She pulled a Mike Tyson right on my nipple.

We tried two more times,

but the pain was still there.

I kept freaking out.

But Zach never left.

He never ran away. He just...

Let me chew his ear off

about the most depraved,

sickening things you can imagine.

And eventually, on our fifth attempt,

we worked.

I was over my phobia.

And then it got really...

Good, nice.

And Zach man found a groove.

Actually kind of charming.

You stood by her, Zach.

You're the hero.

Yeah, 10 months later, she dumped my ass.

That's the point of the whole story, Zach.

You got boring.

I know. I know I did.

It would kill me to talk on the phone

with you when you were at college,

just babbling on about

your business classes

and the stock market and Donald Trump

and your new found appreciation

for advertising.

- It was pathetic.

- You just matured.

You knew you had to go out and find a job.

I did the same thing when I was that age.

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