Shanghai Knights Page #5

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in a second.

Now you're looking

at a changed man.

l'm sort of saving myself

for someone special.

l'll give you a discount.

That's the most romantic thing

any woman's ever said to me.

You better go.

You better go

before we lose control. Go!

lf you change your mind...

Roy!

Our father would talk about

the right man for you.

He must be strong,

courageous...

and a good father.

-Like Roy.

-We got her, Chon.

Not like Roy.

You don't know him like l do.

He has many bad habits.

Such as?

He drinks, smokes,

and he gambles.

Chon, where are you

going with this?

He sleeps with women for money.

What are you --

Roy don't do that.

l can see inside him.

He has a good heart.

That's right.

His salmon don't swim

upstream.

He shoots blanks.

Lin, he cannot be trusted.

How could you say that?

You're his friend.

Yeah, sort of.

Roy is the type of a friend

you'd never introduce

to your other friends

or bring home to your family.

He never speak the truth.

You know what l call him?

Not Roy O'Bannon.

Roy O'Baloney.

l don't care.

Lin, l forbid it.

You are not my father.

Roy, there you are.

-Hi.

-Mm-hmm.

You need anything, buddy?

A whole lot of

"leave me alone."

What's wrong?

Nothing.

l woke up

on the wrong side of the bed.

l feel a little pain in my back

like someone put a knife there.

l'm okay.

Don't worry about me.

Roy!

That actually reminds me

of a trick.

You ever seen this one?!

Or this one?!

You think you're so cool

with your karate

and your childlike reflexes.

Roy, you okay?

Look at you.

Do you really call me

Roy Baloney?

Roy, you don't understand.

You just smashed

my puzzle box.

l'll never figure out

my message.

-Roy...

-Go.

You're dead to me.

l don't know a Chon Wang.

What?

Hi, Roy.

Who loves you, baby?

-Nice try, Chon.

-Roy...

l'm sorry.

You do that again,

and you're a dead man.

Pillow fight!

l am Roy Baloney!

Yes!

l'm full of it!

You are!

Roy?

-Roy?

Lin!

lt was his idea.

-Chon!

-Clothes!

Nice night for a walk.

Lin!

-Lin!

-There you are!

What are you doing?

Don't you know there's

a serial killer on the loose?

Forget it.

Who the hell are these guys?

Boxers.

What do they want with us?

They're with me.

l think we need to have

a little chat.

Chon Wang --

the man who can fight

an emperor.

The emperor should never have

his burial knife.

l see.

You're still

my brother's lapdog.

l'm here not for him.

l'm here for my father.

Of course you are.

lt was my dagger

that plunged into his heart.

lt's still crusted

with his blood.

l know the boy has the seal.

Where is he?

We don't know.

That's the truth --

we don't know.

Mmm...

What are you --

What are you doing?

Stop! Put her down!

Put her down!

Put her down!

Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?

Are you gonna kick my ass?

l've read all about

your ridiculous exploits.

l mean, just...

how does it feel to kill

a mummy with your bare hands?

Only a nation

of uneducated rednecks

would be amused

by such cowboy drivel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy.

What's with

the personal attacks?

You don't see me

making any comments

about your pasty complexion

or your snotty accent

or even your filthy,

smutty sex books.

Yeah, l saw your book.

lt disgusted me.

Oh, why is it always the head

with you people?!

Hold it! Stop! Hold it!

Just hold it!

What are we doing here?

Guys, look at this.

We're acting like animals...

over what?

Some seal?

The seal represents

imperial power.

l will use it to unite

the emperor's enemies

and storm the Forbidden City.

What's in it for you?

You're looking

at the future king of England.

You're, like, 20th in line

to the throne.

But my friend

is about to change all that

by simple...

process of elimination.

lt's called a machine gun.

The first of its kind --

it fires 200 rounds a minute.

Testament to British ingenuity.

Oh, so you steal the seal,

and then you knock off

nine royals?

You got the short end

of that stick, my friend.

Dump them in the river.

Where are you taking her?

To make history.

l can already see

the headlines --

"Nation mourns as Loony Lin

massacres royal family."

l need your assurance

that you will find the seal.

Don't concern yourself.

My men are scouring the city.

You better pray they find it...

or our agreement is over,

and you will never get

the crown.

Chon, l got a confession

to make.

You are in love

with my sister.

Well, that, but...

l didn't lose all the money

on the zeppelins.

No?

Nah. l blew most of it

on the Roy O'Bannon novels.

l wrote them.

No, Sage McCallister

wrote them.

That's what l'm saying, buddy.

l'm Sage McCallister.

You wrote those lies?!

l've always had

low self-esteem.

How many books did you print?

l self-published

probably a million copies.

We were actually second

to the Bible that year.

Oh, you --

l guess l'm just about

the worst friend

a guy could ask for.

No, you're a good friend.

Thank you.

lf you really love Lin,

l won't stand in the way.

Really?

But if you break her heart...

l'll break your legs.

That's fair.

Well,

friends to the end, Chon...

and this is the end.

Chon, you got a plan?

You wouldn't happen to have

a plan, would you?

Yes.

-Anything l can do?

-No.

Good. l'll let you do

the heavy lifting, then.

Chon, hurry.

Chon!

Chon! Chon, hurry!

Hurry!

Hurry! Chon, hurry!

Roy!

Coming!

Chon!

The water's so dirty!

No! No! lt's dirty! No!

Just go ahead and drown me.

l don't care anymore.

Roy!

You look ridiculous.

l think we look good.

l really must protest

this intrusion.

Every bobby in London is out

scouring the streets

for you two.

Have you been drinking?

l always drink when my

employment's been terminated.

They fired you?

Lord Rathbone saw to that.

l'm sorry.

lt's of no consequence.

l never wanted to be

an inspector in the first place.

lt was my father's idea.

l always wanted to be

a writer.

Yeah.

Artie, we need your help.

Rathbone has taken Lin.

He's gonna kill

the royal family

and he's gonna assume

the throne.

Do you have any evidence

to support these

preposterous allegations?

We have this.

lt's the boy's.

Use your technique.

Tell us where he is.

Paraffin wax --

most interesting.

He's at a church.

The little punk's hiding

in a church.

No, no, no.

lt's not candle wax.

l have it.

-Don't worry. You'll get it.

-What are you doing?

-He's picking the lock.

-Well, hurry up!

Chon, please! Please.

lt's a very meticulous process.

Let Artie do his job.

lt's almost an art form.

lt takes the precision

of a surgeon.

You have to be so precise.

Maybe if we jam

another one in there.

That works, too.

Lacks a certain finesse.

All right, all right.

Let's split up.

What the...

l am gonna break your neck.

Come here.

Looky here.

-Come on, where is it?

-What?

You know

what l'm talking about.

Don't give me that "what."

What do we got here?

Oh, yes.

You don't mind

if l take this back, do you?

Go on.

Get out of here.

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