Shorts Page #4

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Have you been keeping yourself clean?

Huh?

- Of course.

- Oh, boy.

If you could see what I can see.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

All right, I can't have any more

interruptions today.

I've got to readjust the cell regulator.

I tried recalibrating

the mitochondrial synthesizer...

...but I just can't get it to live

in an extracellular environment.

And on top of it all...

What are you do...

How many times do I have to tell you?

Don't pick your nose.

It is completely unsanitary.

If your nose is full...

...you go into the bathroom

and you clean it out with antiseptic wipes.

But... Booger!

Boogers are like fecal material.

Your body is trying to get rid of it.

It pushes it up, up, up, out,

and then pop.

But what do you do?

You put it back in your mouth.

Back into the system.

And it has to start all over again.

I'm sorry.

Mankind has been evolving

too many millennia for you to reingest...

Okay!

Go wash your hands

with antibacterial soap.

- And make sure you use the...

- Antiseptic wipes?

Yes, the wipes. And...

...I'm gonna go take a nap.

Excuse you. How can you be late

to school when it's in your own house?

I was getting my calculator.

- What's that?

- It's just some kind of rock.

You can have it if you want.

It's been decontaminated.

Okay, well, today we're gonna do

fractional inconsistencies.

- What's it like out there today?

- Don't you look out the window?

I have security video screens, but they

don't really show the color of the sky.

You know, you could just go outside.

I mean, a little fresh air won't kill you.

Are you crazy? So-called fresh air

is loaded with pollutants.

On top of that,

you've got the ozone washed in UV...

...allergens and all kinds of impurities.

At least that's what Dad says.

And I agree.

What's up with your dad?

Stress. Something about

a, uh, mitochondrial relay.

I just wish that his inventions worked

the way they were supposed to.

What's he doing here?

Nose!

You haven't come to visit in almost a year.

I should break your arms.

But it looks like someone beat me to it.

What do you want?

Ah, I'm sorry about that,

but I've lost something very important.

- It looks like it came in your direction.

- It's not a good time.

It's a rock. It looks like a rainbow

and it's this big.

How would I have it?

I never leave this place.

Gotta go, bye.

Ugh, he's a virus. Okay, back to work.

I know he's your brother, but...

Yeah, he's been my personal parasite

since he wiggled out of the womb.

What was that?

Dad's breaking things in the lab again.

Let me go check on him.

Help me up.

What are you doing?

He said he didn't have it.

- Well, he must've been lying.

- How can you tell?

- Because his lips were moving.

- Are you crazy?

We have to get that rock back

or else nothing will ever be right again.

No, no, no!

You'll contaminate my house.

Dad?

- What...

- Aah!

Are contaminators doing in my ho...

You? You gave me this headache.

You and that rock

almost ruined last night.

Here. Wipe yourselves down right now.

Immediately. Turn around.

Give me your foot.

Oh, look at that. Filthy.

Toby, what are you doing here?

You want me to lose my job?

Well, hello. I'm Loogie.

- There's something in there.

- What is that rock doing in my house?

Nose, give me that rock now.

No, no, no,

out of the house. Get it out of here.

Get it out, out, out. Move it.

That's the second time

that rock's been eaten.

What is that thing?

My booger.

- You pulled that out of your nose?

- Uh...

Ew.

I've told you a million times

not to pick your nose.

See what happens?

Your invention works.

My wish came true.

It does, doesn't it?

But wait a minute.

It must've tripped the chromosomal relay

on the cell regulator, but that means...

...it's gotta keep feeding to stay intact.

So basically...

...all those years you told me

not to eat my boogers?

Yes, now your booger

is trying to eat you.

- Aah!

- Decontamination chamber! Run!

Wait! We gotta go back for the rock!

Forget it, we've lost this round.

Son, you get them out of here. I've gotta

go back for the cellular devolumizer.

One at a time. One at a time.

Ladies first.

You are now leaving the safe,

sterile environment of our home.

Well, hello, again.

You're next.

L... I gotta get the rock!

Nose, help him. Do something.

He's gonna die. Help Toe.

Think, think, think.

Your booger's warm.

If you eat my friend...

...I'll eat yours.

Believe me, he will.

Uh-huh.

Come on.

Come on! What are you waiting for?

I haven't been outside in years.

I'm afraid.

Nose!

I know, I know. But I'm just not ready.

Okay, now I'm ready!

Dad!

Are you okay?

- He's not breathing.

- Breathe, Nose, breathe.

If a giant booger monster couldn't kill you,

what's a breath of fresh air gonna do?

- Breathe!

- Breathe!

I can breathe! I did it!

It was nice seeing you, Nose.

I promise I'll call you!

Dad, can you believe it?

No, I can't.

This is gonna make a great specimen.

I mean us. We're outside. We're okay.

You're right. I didn't explode.

Huh. I'm gonna have to rethink

my theory of instant exposure.

But what do you have to say about this?

Bad booger.

Hey.

I mean, no more picking

and from now on...

...antiseptic wipes.

- Antiseptic wipes.

Good.

I got ahead of myself again.

But I just remembered...

...how the rock changed

my mom and dad.

Boy, did it ever.

Your parents are coming to the costume

party at my dad's house tonight.

- I know.

- You coming too?

No.

- Good.

- Bye.

Wait!

- Have you told them about me?

- What would I tell them?

Mom, Dad, there's a girl at my school

who stuffs me in a trash can every day.

- You know, the one who broke my arms.

- Heh, that's funny.

Don't come over

and don't say anything about me.

I won't say anything about you.

Oh, you're texting me hugs and kisses.

Why don't you just kiss me?

We're in the same room together.

Why are you texting me?

What happened to two people talking?

Maybe this doesn't apply to Team B, but

Team A lives in a fast-paced, 24/7 world.

These gadgets, made by the company

we work for, are to keep us connected.

But we're disconnected. Don't you see?

It needs to work better.

Or we need to work better.

We don't even know

who our son's girlfriend is.

So we just spy on him.

That's a new feature I'm adding:

Spy on your kids. I'll have an answer.

That's not a relationship.

- You want me to put it away?

- No, I didn't say that.

I like my phone, e-mail, text messages,

movies, music, ham radio.

It's the world at my fingertips. I just...

It's just I've...

...got mail.

- Don't open that.

- Don't get that.

- I really have to take this.

- I really have to get this.

See, you proved my point.

I still think we ought to be closer.

Mom?

- What are you doing?

- Um...

I was just...

I was just looking for my compact.

What do you think?

Miss Communication. Get it?

It fits.

We'll be home after bedtime.

Take it easy on your sister.

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