Shotgun Wedding Page #3

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[ Ted ]

Brother.

Bye.

I gotta clean her up

and I gotta get her

back to her room.

Okay.

We're gonna be brave.

Pensee, have you been

filming this?

[ Pop ]

What in the hell

is this?

[ Dishes Clatter ]

[ Rosemary ]

Anyone single, in my opinion,

is a slut.

I want you

to look into this. Ready?

A dick on your face.

He doesn't even--

Excuse me.

Yes?

[ Stammers ]

I hate this

continental breakfast junk.

Do you think you could get me

a couple fried eggs,

a little ham steak?

[ Blaze ]

Hey, man. Ted, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, I saw

everything last night.

Oh.

Yeah. And by "saw everything,"

I mean I got it all on tape.

And if I'm not being

too presumptuous,

Flip, Barbara,

I still consider

you both to be family.

- Oh.

- [ Chuckles ]

- [ Chuckles ]

You know, the groom's

target mishap.

Yeah. The chat with his mom.

All on tape.

Pensee? She's either drunk

or hungover.

Even Ted

didn't come home till dawn.

- Whoa.

- [ Man ]

Ooh!

Yeah. And I was just about

to upload it to YouTube.

The only man who could stop me

is old Benjamin Franklin.

Okay, okay.

[ Stammers ]

But you can't say anything

till after the wedding, okay?

If I give you money,

that's like a legal contract.

...for longer

than this guy.

She's a slut.

- Yay!

- [ All Cheering ]

Much appreciated.

You took it.

It's legal.

[ Cheering, Laughing ]

- Robert. Robert!

- Look who's finally

decided to join us.

Thank you. Hey.

Happy couple alert.

Love it!

Can I get you

some breakfast?

No, no. I'm... full.

I'm not hungry.

Couldn't eat today,

to be honest.

[ Woman ]

Too nervous?

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Robert, do you mind

if I get you hooked up

with a microphone?

Oh. It's Steve, right?

Yeah, Steve.

Yeah, sure. I--

You know, microphone--

Do I really--

Who wants to hear me today,

you know?

[ Blaze ]

The battery should last

all day, all right?

So just forget you're

even wearing it, man.

Have fun out there.

Just leave all

the shooting to us.

All right.

Got all my principals miked.

My boys Blaze and Sully and I

will be shooting all day,

and in two months,

you will have a feature film

of your magical day.

[ Rosemary ]

Two months?

Incidentally,

I am an award-winning

documentarian.

Took home the jury prize

at the Bakersfield International

Student Film Festival.

No big whoop.

[ Chuckles ]

Big whoop! So--

It's gonna be great.

Robert, honey.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Okay. So Pensee is--

Hey. Okay.

No, no. Listen.

We are miked right now.

I'm wearing a microphone,

and these cameras

are shooting us,

so they will hear

everything you will say.

So, what, uh--

What was going on

with Pensee?

How's-- How's the damage

to her car?

Car?

Mm-hmm.

Well, um--

It's a little... dinged?

Uh-huh?

But I-I got it's, um,

face bandaged--

Yeah?

As long as sh--

it doesn't pick at it,

it should be fine.

Maybe we should

take her car

to the shop.

Now?

Yes.

We've got wedding photos

coming up.

Really?

Rosemary!

My goodness,

I am so excited!

Oh, good.

You look so perfect,

like a little

Hummel figurine.

I just want to steal

my fianc for a moment,

if that's okay.

- Yeah.

- Ma'am, may I hook thee up

with a microphone?

You know what?

She doesn't need to be miked.

Yes.

Of course.

No, no, no, no, no.

Of course you get to be miked.

Everyone gets to be

in the movie.

- You just want all

the attention on yourself.

- You know me.

[ Yvette Chattering ]

I'm gonna go mike

your mom up, dude.

Hey. I wanna talk to you

for a second.

Hey.

Okay.

I know what you did

last night.

Staying up all night

the night before the wedding?

Oh, boy, you know.

That's such a terrible idea.

I really shouldn't.

Come on.

I'm just kidding, babe.

Okay.

I'm glad you had fun

with your friends.

Yeah.

I do want to know, however,

where is my maid of honor?

Pensee?

Pensee.

The maid of honor

really should be here

at this special brunch.

Yeah. Where--

She just--

She just had a little bit

too much to drink.

Uh-huh.

She's still in her room.

[ Robert ]

She's hungover.

How irresponsible is that? Hmm?

You guys are really lucky

that I'm here to cover for her.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go

check on her.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

W-W-W-Wait.

I will come with you.

Yeah.

Oh. Are you--

Okay.

Yeah.

[ Robert ]

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah!

Okay.

Okay.

Hey. So, uh,

did you take care of it?

What?

The--

- Your vows.

- Oh, sh*t. Sh*t.

I gotta--

Okay. Okay.

I gotta get on that.

Gone again?

Man stuff.

[ Yvette ]

Oh, wait. You know, uh--

...is sick. It was

coming out both ends.

And her Aunt Flo

is in town, so--

all three ends.

[ Knocks ]

Pen-- Pensee.

It's Rosemary.

Are you sick, babe?

[ Pensee ]

Oh, Rosemary. Oh, my God.

I think that maybe I--

Yvette.

I'm out here too.

Hi, Yvette.

Hi.

Let me come in--

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't need anything,

do you?

- You'll be better in time

for the photos, right?

- Uh--

Pensee? You just stay

in there like a good girl.

You drink lots of water.

You do not let anyone

in the room.

You don't want anyone

to see the way your--

uh, your condition

is looking.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay?

Okay.

Love you, dear.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah. You're fine.

Don't worry about her.

She is going to be fine.

Hey, everyone out there

in Pensee land.

Like a goof, I got hurt

at the wedding weekend.

I don't want to make a scene

or do anything stupid, so,

I'm gonna sneak out the window

and run through the woods

to the highway...

and then take a taxi

to the hospital.

And I'm bringing you all

along with me, guys.

Wish me luck!

[ Kisses ]

[ Sighs ]

You know. It's, uh--

Everything happens for

a reason, even accidents.

There's a thing

called happy accidents,

you know?

It's possible all life

on Earth began

by accident.

Pensee?

Pensee?

This is harder

than I expected.

Oh. Uh--

[ Dishes Clatter ]

[ Kicks Door ]

Ow.

[ Groans ]

Oh, God.

Okay.

But I'm sticking to it,

guys.

You gotta believe in yourself

and find your greatness, right?

Pensee? Pensee!

What on earth

are you doing?

Don't worry.

No one will see.

It's broad daylight!

You come back in here

right now, young lady.

You will ruin everything!

Come in.

No, no.

You come in right now.

Don't pull on it.

Don't you dare.

Come in!

You're the devil

and you know it!

[ Yvette ]

It's my wedding,

and you won't ruin it!

[ Pensee ] It's not

your wedding. It's Robert

and Rosemary's wedding.

[ Yvette ]

Fine! But you're ruining it!

Stop! You're gonna

make me fall!

[ Yelps, Screams ]

[ Yvette ]

Pensee?

[ Groans ]

Oh. You don't want

to go in there.

I have to get

some Pepto.

[ Pop ]

[ Yvette ]

Ted! Ted!

Could you come with me

for a moment, please?

Can you just let me

eat this Danish, please?

This is an emergency.

Mm-hmm.

It's about Pensee's, uh--

diarrhea.

Oh.

It's gotten very messy.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go.

Hurry up.

Oh, my God!

[ Groans ]

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