Shotgun Wedding Page #4

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Oh, man up, Ted!

Oh. Mmm.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I'll get you a paper bag

in a second.

[ Woman ]

The one thing

I didn't understand...

is that you're

at a wedding this weekend--

Babe. Babe. Stop talking.

Stop. Listen to

what I am saying, okay?

I got this f***in' thing

on my lip.

I don't know what it is.

Go to the computer,

fire up WebMed.

Just-- I'm gonna

shoot the thing on my lip...

and I'm gonna play it back

so I can describe it to you.

I don't know what it is,

and that affects both of us.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's the point, retard.

Thank you.

I don't care about

this thing on your lip.

I'm trying--

F***ing ridiculous.

[ Ted ]

Should we call a doctor?

[ Yvette ]

She's dead.

She can't get any deader.

Should we bury her?

There's no time

for that, Ted.

Besides, Pensee would have

wanted us to just

hide her corpse.

[ Ted ]

What about that?

Ooh, that's good thinking.

[ Grunts ]

[ Yvette Grunts ]

[ Ted ]

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God.

That is f***ed up.

[ Ted Muttering ]

Get her arm--

Hold on.

Here. Hold on.

Do you have any lotion?

Maybe we could, like,

grease her up.

We'll just cram it down

with the lid.

Just cram the lid down.

I don't-- Oh.

[ Blaze ]

Are they-- Oh, sh--

Is that the cameraman?

Um, excuse me.

Mr. Cameraman?

This isn't what--

Could we talk to you

for a second?

- Grab that rock!

- This rock right here?

What the f***

are you doing?

No, that rock!

Dude, I'm just high.

I just imagined--

What-- What are you doing?

You f***ing--

- [ Blow Lands ]

- Don't run from me.

Stop it!

Come on, man! I'll give you

back the money, dude!

- [ Blaze Groaning ]

- [ Yvette ]

Get his head.

No. Oh, sh*t!

- [ Blow Lands ]

- [ Groans ]

I think I killed him.

I had to, right?

He could have had a gun.

You think he may

have a gun, right?

He could have had a-- Right?

Y-Yes. Well, always

best to play it safe.

[ Stammers ]

How am I gonna tell my wife

she married someone...

who hit someone in the head

with a rock and then he died?

Ted.

What?

You're not going

to tell your wife.

I tell her everything.

She knows everything.

It's why she doesn't like me.

Here you are.

I was starting to think

you were ignoring me.

What? No, honey.

I'm just--

I was distracted.

My dad's been looking for you.

He said you guys were supposed

to have a man-to-man talk.

Yeah. Yeah.

You said you were into it.

Yeah, I gotta go see him.

You all right, baby?

Yeah. Excuse me.

I gotta talk to my mom

real fast.

See you at

the wedding photos!

Mom? Mom.

Mom, Mom, Mom.

I'm in the middle

of something.

I can see that, Mom.

Why do you have

an ax?

I got it

off one of the gardeners.

Rodrigo has everything.

Oh, yeah?

That doesn't really

answer my question, Mom.

This doesn't have anything

to do with Pensee's, uh,

car trouble?

Um, y--

It died.

Huh? She--

Pensee's car died.

You said--

You said she was--

it was fine, Mom.

Uh, it was.

Then it fell out a window

and died.

Then one of the cameramen--

Mm-hmm?

His car died too.

What are you

talking about, Mom?

His car--

Yeah?

saw Pensee's car--

Uh-huh.

then wanted

to ruin the wedding,

so Ted...

hit it with a rock.

Oh, Robert.

There you are, my boy.

Oh, hey!

Uh-- Don't worry.

Your mother is looking out

for you.

You just keep

enjoying yourself.

Okay.

Where are the cars

now, Ma?

Everything okay?

Yeah.

No, Judge--

Your Honor. Sir.

Everything's great.

I think it's high time that

you learned to call me Flip.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

- Ah. Yes, sir, Flip.

- Whoa.

We are pleased as punch

to welcome you

into the Milton family.

Well, I am honored

to be a part

of your family, sir.

You know what?

Can I just talk to my dad for

one minute, while we're here?

Excuse me real quick.

Hey, Dad?

Mom's, uh--

I need you to watch

out for her, okay?

'Cause she's getting

a little crazy

with her wedding planning.

Robbie. She's always been crazy.

I know that you guys

aren't on good terms

right now, okay?

But I really need you

right now.

Make sure she doesn't

do anything out

of the ordinary, okay?

Yeah. If that's

what you need me to do.

Okay. That's what I need.

[ Milton ]

Uh, Robert? Come on in.

Yeah. Here I come!

- Here I come, Pop!

- Do you know what

they're having for dinner?

[ Robert ] It's kind of weird,

isn't it, having all

these cameras around here?

[ Milton ]

I have an election

coming up in November, Robert.

Charles Beaumont

is really gunning for my seat,

just waiting for me

to slip up.

[ Loud Clang ]

Okeydokey.

Uh, excuse me.

[ Panting ]

[ Yvette ]

Ted?

I got an ax.

No! I don't want

to cut him up!

The key, I find,

is one must live

one's life in private...

just as honorably

and forthrightly

as one does in public.

That makes sense.

Since I do have

an election coming up--

Anything you need

to tell me, Robert?

Any skeletons in the closet?

Your closet?

No. This is man's work,

and this body's too big

to carry around.

Look, we have to make it

look like a Mexican

drug cartel did it.

Isn't that smart?

Come on.

What was that?

Do you hear something?

No. You're just being paranoid.

Come on. Take the ax.

No. Shh.

[ Rhythmic Knocking ]

Oh. Uh--

See-See who it is.

No! I know what that means.

God. I have to do

everything around here.

Shh.

- Oh!

- So this is your room, huh?

Not a good time, Hank.

[ Stammers ]

What the hell

happened to him?

Mmm--

Uh--

Why don't you

just come clean, huh?

I'm gonna find out

the whole truth

about it anyway.

Hank?

Yeah?

You want--

You want your son

to get married, right?

Of course.

Yeah.

Is this guy dead?

[ Stammers ]

And you trust me,

right?

Not particularly.

I had a D.U.I.

when I was 23.

Huge mistake.

Deeply regret it, man.

- Good.

[ Laughs ]

- [ Laughs ]

- I knew all about that.

- Hey!

I was just

giving you a test.

All right!

Now, honey,

chop up this body.

This creepo here, he was--

He was trying to take

this special day...

away from Robbie, you know--

Away from us.

You may be many

not-so-great things,

Hank Fletcher,

but you--

you have always been

a good father.

Robbie--

[ Whispers ]

Robbie needs his daddy

right now.

[ Exhales ]

How small

you want the pieces?

Oh, probably

like 10 total.

I've never

done this before.

I'll start with the legs

and work my way up.

- We shouldn't be doing this.

- Oh, hush, Ted.

Okay. You, uh--

You-- You do it--

[ Ted ]

Oh, God.

Hank.

You know, for--

for Robbie.

[ Muttering ]

Let me just...

get him ready here.

[ Yvette ]

Okay.

[ Grunting ]

Ooh.

Oh, God.

Okay.

This brings back memories

of the farm.

[ Chuckles ]

Cutting a cord of wood

for Dad.

Ooh. Okay.

Here goes nothing.

[ Groans ]

[ Inhales ]

[ Ax Strikes ]

[ Screaming ]

What the hell?

- My God!

- [ Screaming Continues ]

You said he was dead!

[ Groaning ]

I'm sorry, buddy.

It's okay.

[ Vomiting ]

You just cut

my f***ing foot off,

you human piece of sh*t!

Make him be quiet!

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