Shotgun Wedding Page #5

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I'm trying to reason

with him.

You just

chopped off his foot.

Why would he

reason with you?

Do something!

F***in' piece of--

[ All Talking At Once ]

[ Groans, Screams ]

[ Yvette ]

Oh, my God!

Oh, f***!

[ Screams ]

[ Yvette ]

Oh, my God!

F*** you people!

[ Grunts ]

[ Groaning ]

F***ing b*tch!

I'll never-- You're going down!

Hey, b*tch! F*** you!

[ Grunting ]

[ Blows Landing ]

[ Body Thuds ]

What the f*** did

I ever do to you people?

You're trying to stand in

the way of my son's happiness.

I'm not trying to do that.

I don't even know you.

No, no. No, dude! Dude!

We can hang out.

I'm totally cool--

[ Ax Strikes ]

[ Screams ]

- [ Ted ]

I did it again!

- Oh, f***!

Oh, f***!

Just witnessed a murder!

I just filmed

a f***ing murder!

Blaze!

It's not a huge loss,

but it's a human life.

The life of

an award-winning documentarian

is a dangerous one,

but it is the path

I have chosen.

For Blaze.

You okay, Yvette?

Oh.

I'm fine.

Hank.

You tried to protect me.

Well... sure, I--

You're a lady.

Ted, you look like

you could use some rest.

Why don't you go clean up?

Hank and I

can take care of this.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna--

[ Stammers ]

[ Exhales ]

Oh.

[ Door Closes ]

Oh, my goodness.

You're hurt. Oh.

Let me patch you up.

Just let me find something.

Oh, Hank.

Maybe we should finish

cutting him into pieces so--

You are such a boy.

Take your shirt off.

Leave your top off.

Whoa!

Oh!

[ Crash ]

[ Laughs, Growling ]

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Pop ]

[ Fades ]

[ Hip-hop On Speakers ]

It's-- It's really

not necessary, Marvin.

We could just

put on the radio.

[ Scoffs ] Listen, when

you hire DJ Awesome-sauce,

you get the full package.

I know how to set the mood

for some lady pamperin'!

[ Explosion Sound ]

[ Continues ]

He's been through a lot

in the war.

He was such

a sweet little boy.

[ Record Scratching ]

You're doing

a wonderful job, Marvin.

Aunt Barbara!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Rhythmic Beats ]

[ Rosemary Sighs ]

Oh, my gosh.

I hate to bring this up,

but at some point...

you're gonna have to

consider just replacing Pensee.

You need a fully functioning

maid of honor

to do important tasks like...

bouquet management

and train wrangling.

Oh, hey.

Where have you been?

Are you okay?

- Oh. I am great.

- Oh.

What's not to love on a...

perfect day like this?

Knock, knock, knock.

Is everybody decent?

- Oh. Ladies.

- [ All ]

Hi.

I know it's bad luck

for the groom to see the bride,

but it's just my bad luck

that I am not the groom.

[ All Chuckle ]

Seriously, I came

to deliver this.

Oh. Well, thank you.

What a lovely package.

[ Rosemary ]

You didn't have to

do that. Thank you.

Oh!

Yes.

Yeah, I know

it's your favorite.

In fact, the funny thing is,

whenever I smell it,

I still--

[ Exhales ]

think of you.

I was thinking you could

wear it for the ceremony.

Oh.

- Y-Y-Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Absolute pleasure.

[ Chuckles ]

- Is that chardonnay?

- [ Rosemary ]

Please.

- Mother.

- Yo. Sully.

[ Clicks Tongue ]

Hey, Steve. I'm getting

some pretty good stuff, man.

Okay. Good, good.

Great. Great.

Uh, listen.

You... seen Blaze around?

He's probably

around here somewhere

getting high.

- You know how he does it.

- Yeah.

- But his phone's

going to voice mail.

- [ Sighs, Scoffs ]

- F***in' Blaze. Always been

a little unreliable, right?

- Yeah.

Trust me, bro.

Never gonna hire

that b*tch again.

Is it just me,

or is something really weird

going on here today?

I mean, people are actually

starting to avoid the cameras.

Hey. Look.

Just-- Just--

Just stay on task,

okay, Sully?

It's just you and me

now, man.

Forever.

Hey. Proud of you.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

And I mean that.

- Thank you.

- Proud.

- I feel it.

Okay. All right.

- Hey, and whatever you do,

just don't stop filming.

- Okay.

Okay? Keep that sh*t

rolling.

I will.

At all times.

Okay. Okay.

Mika, look how pretty

Mommy looks, hmm?

[ Barking ]

How are you, Mika?

[ Imitating Dog Panting ]

Huh?

[ Gasps ]

Ted. You scared the sh*t

out of me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- [ Barks ]

- Are you drunk?

No! No. No.

What have you

been doing?

I can't tell you.

It's a secret.

We don't keep secrets.

- Hi, Mika.

- Secrets.

Hi, Mika. I can't tell anyone.

I promised. It'll ruin

the entire wedding.

Fine. You and Robert

are up to some lamebrained

scheme then?

You don't have to tell me.

[ Mika Barks ]

Robert shot Pensee,

and she fell out of a window

and she died.

The cameraman saw it

and I had to hit him

in the head with a rock,

but then he didn't die,

so I chopped him in the head

with an ax!

And Yvette made me promise

not to say anything

until the wedding was over,

since Pensee would have wanted

it that way, for Rosemary

to have a perfect day.

And if you divorce me,

I won't fight you. You can

have everything. I'm sorry.

Pensee's dead?

Super dead.

That means Rosemary's going

to need a new maid of honor.

Sure.

You need to get cleaned up

and into your suit. The pictures

are about to happen.

And, Ted?

What?

Fix your hair.

I'll put water on it.

Mika?

Mommy has to go!

She's about to be promoted

to maid of honor!

[ Squeals, Laughs ]

[ Pop ]

Robert, Rosemary,

you're gonna be

the most beautiful couple

ever in history.

And I love you

very, very much.

Rosemary, listen to this.

This is gold, okay?

We went to an obedience class

with our dog,

but secretly, I was

listening to the trainer...

because I thought,

"I might be able to use these

skills in real life."

And it worked.

We-- We love you.

Say something else.

Does this remind you

of something?

[ Both Laughing ]

- You know--

- I mean, food incentive

is everything to a man.

[ Laughing ]

Robert. Robert.

Robert and Rosemary,

I think the foundation

of a good marriage...

is sex.

[ Continues ]

Love, love.

[ Chuckles ]

Just stop it.

Okay.

She knows.

I told her everything.

I'm sorry.

[ Grunting ]

What is wrong with you?

She seems cool

with it though.

She does?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, people.

I charge by the second, okay,

so all eyes on me.

Um, we are missing somebody.

Somebody in white?

[ All Oohing ]

[ Rosemary ]

Hi.

Oh, wait. Where is--

Where's Pensee?

She's seriously

still not down yet?

Oh, uh-- She must still

be feeling sick.

- [ Sighs ]

- Actually-- Oh, I hate

telling you this,

but she left.

She told me that this place

was total lamesville...

and that she had to go

find a place...

to get drunk and find a guy

and have casual sex with him.

Uh, that doesn't sound

like Pensee.

Actually, she said

the same thing to me,

and she wasn't wearing

any panties, so--

It might be time for you

to choose a new maid of honor.

It's just--

You know, I don't think

she's coming back.

Violet, will you

step in for Pensee

while I figure all this out?

- Of course.

- Thank you.

Okay, yay. Crisis averted.

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