Shotgun Wedding Page #7

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I was speculating earlier!

Robert, I-- I swear I'm not

here to ruin the wedding.

Declan--

Robert, I swear

on my life.

I'm so sorry.

I'm a friend.

This guy's--

Some friend!

I'm sorry.

Robert.

[ Gasps ]

Jesus-- Oh, God!

What are you

planning?

Why do you hate

American freedoms?

[ Gasps ]

I don't. I'm from England.

We're allies.

These colors don't run,

terrorist.

What?

Oh, good Lord.

You do know our flags

are the same colors.

You f***in'... motherf***er!

- [ Contacts Sparking ]

- [ Stammering ]

No! No! No!

- [ Crackling ]

- [ Screaming ]

[ Laughing ]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[ Laughing ]

[ Groaning ]

Stop!

Stop it!

All right!

I admit it!

I-- I'm here to

steal Rosemary back.

- What?

- Oh, yeah.

I was on my way

to convince her

to run away with me,

you boring sot!

You were always

so nice to me.

Well, I was playing you

for a fool,

you twat!

Soldier.

Huh?

Detain this man

till after the ceremony.

It would be

my pleasure.

R-Robert, no. Help.

You have to help me.

[ Contacts Sparking ]

Are you

f***ing kidding me?

Rodrigo is the best.

So how many stiffs

you got, woman?

[ Steve Whispers ]

Sully!

[ Yvette ]

Just the two.

Get the f*** over here.

We had to fold her in

and kind of pushed her down.

You want to pick her up

by the torso. Come on.

[ Sully ] What's going on?

Okay, don't--

don't react.

Just... look at this.

[ Both Grunting ]

You got her?

Grab-- Oh!

Here, I got her leg.

I got her leg.

Is that chick

f***in' dead?

Shh! Don't--

Just you and me,

Harry Potter.

[ Grunting ]

Just me and you,

boy.

[ Contacts Sparking ]

Don't. Don't!

[ Crackling ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Yvette ]

Okay, now help me--

We gotta call the cops.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Or...

we could keep shooting.

[ Screams ]

[ Gasping ]

Oh, you limeys

are such pussies.

Back in the corps,

we used to shock ourselves

for fun!

[ Crackling ]

[ Groans ]

We got a serious murder story

happening here at

the Milton's family wedding.

We're getting it

on H.D., man!

Do you have any idea

how much we could sell

this doc for?

I'm kinda thinking

that this could be

Oscar nomination material, man.

You're naughty!

Here I come!

Oh, no, no! Uh-oh!

We could kinda become

like those journalists

who gained the trust...

of criminals or--

or warlords.

[ Gasping ]

Hello?

Hello!

You think

we're in danger?

Definitely.

[ Both Laughing ]

I mean,

where's Blaze?

[ Chuckling ]

Oh, Blaze is--

halfway home.

Sent him early with some

incriminating footage to,

you know, ensure our safety.

Oh, you're

a genius, Steve.

A genius.

Yeah, I know.

Tell me about it, bro.

One, two, three--

Oh!

There you are!

What in holy hog's hell...

am I paying

you clowns for?

I mean, here you are,

diddling around.

My daughter, the bride--

You remember

meeting her?

There's not

a single camera

on her.

Extremely sorry,

Judge Milton.

Sully, why don't you

hop up and go grab some

Rosemary footage? Okay?

What I am paying

you two goons,

this better be

the best damn

wedding video ever.

[ Steve ]

It's gonna be killer.

Steve thinks we'll get

an Oscar nomination for it.

What the hell

are you talking about?

Nothin'.

Hair of the dog, buddy.

Yeah. Come on. Let me hear.

You ready to ush the sh*t

out of this wedding, buddy?

Hell, yeah, I am.

I was born to ush sh*t.

Hell, yeah! Come on!

Ush! Ush! Ush! U--

You guys part of

the wedding?

Yeah. We're ushers.

- Hey, you're the priest!

- I'm a pastor.

Sorry.

Okay, you guys, uh--

Point me in the direction

of the bride and groom.

My Jag, it's been acting up.

Oh, yeah, about that--

the groom's missing.

We're keeping that

on the D.L., though,

so, you know... be cool?

Yeah, I'm cool.

I get paid by the hour.

Right. See-- Hey!

F.Y.I., the guests are

starting to seat themselves.

I'll be in the bar.

Priest

just took my beer.

[ Pop ]

[ Steve ]

Rosemary? Rosemary.

My future honey,

um, is--

I hope that I can find you

so that we can

actually get married.

And then all will be well

and... we'll be in love,

and hopefully, uh--

Have you guys seen him, or--

Not happening?

Uh, no. I don't know.

I mean, what do you guys want?

Love you, bunny.

It's a long way home

But, ah, we can make it

I'm not sure if it's going.

Is the red light on?

Uh, I don't know.

Where's the red light

supposed to be? Hold on.

I-- Is it on? The l--

There's a red spot on the lens.

It's a red light.

Okay, hold on. Red light,

red light, red light.

They got so many buttons

on these things these days.

I'm gonna try this.

Uh, yeah, I think that's it.

I think I got it.

I think it's going.

Oh. Hey. That doesn't

look too bad, does it?

That looks great.

You look pretty good too.

[ Chuckling ]

Hi. Hi!

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, we got 10 minutes.

We gotta go quick.

We gotta make this quick.

[ Hank ]

You know how to--

That was great.

Game face, b*tch.

We got, like, three choices

for dinner tonight.

Yeah.

[ Exhales ]

The beef--

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

The beef is good.

Real good beef!

Mm-hmm!

That's good beef.

Uh--

[ Clears Throat ]

Yes?

Uh, who is it?

It's Steve.

- Could I come in

for a minute?

- Oh, uh, no.

Um, I-I can't come

to the door right now.

I'm, um-- I'm--

Having sex,

for Pete's sake!

[ Laughs ]

Hank!

Yeah, okay. Well--

I kinda feel like

it's important

that I speak to you.

Oh, for God's sake--

About the dead bodies

in your room?

Now, I know that you killed

the maid of honor

and my cameraman.

I've got the footage.

But-But I'm not here to

get you guys in trouble. Okay?

I just--

I want to talk to you.

Hey.

Come on in.

Okay--

No! Jesus.

Okay, wait,

wait, wait.

Just-- Just wait.

All right?

You've got

the wrong idea.

Okay? I'm not--

I'm not gonna

tell anyone.

I'm here

under official capacity.

You know,

videographer-client

privilege.

Plus, I've not gotten

any footage of you,

Yvette, in that dress.

So back then we lived

in a house with Robert

and four other guys.

Three bedrooms.

This tiny house.

And--

Oh.

Hey, Rosemary.

Sorry.

Have you guys

seen Robert?

No--

I'm sorry.

Did you check his room?

Yes.

I'm going insane!

Dude, can you not

film me right now?

I mean it!

F***, she's fast.

[ Exhales ]

"Everybody makes mistakes.

We need to forgive

and forget.

And forgive.

And forget.

And forgive

and forget."

[ Footsteps ]

Rosemary.

Oh, Robert. Quick.

Come with me.

Where are we going?

Just keep up.

What's wrong?

Are they coming?

[ Coughing ]

I'm not taking anyone's side.

I'm just saying it doesn't seem

that important who Rosemary

chooses as her maid of honor,

'cause I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life in prison.

- [ Barking ]

- [ Elizabeth ]

Don't be so dramatic!

And shut the door.

It reeks of puke in here!

[ Sighs ]

A bride is supposed to be

stress-free on her wedding day.

That's why it's so very,

very important to choose

the right maid of honor.

Right, Mika?

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