Shrek the Third Page #3

- What does he do?

- Cleaning.

- Feeding.

- Burping.

So, what are

Shrek and I supposed to do?

Work on your marriage.

Thanks, Rapunzel.

What's that supposed to mean?

Come on now, Fiona.

You know what happens.

You're tired all the time.

You start letting yourself go.

Stretch marks.

Say goodbye to romance.

I'm sorry, but how many

of you have kids?

She's right!

A baby will only strengthen the love

Shrek and Fiona have.

How did Shrek react when you told him?

When he first found out, Shrek said...

Onward, my new friends!

To our happily ever afters!

Now... bombs away!

Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan.

- His name's not Peter.

- Shut it, Wendy.

Enough pillaging! To the castle!

You go! Take care of the baby!

Everybody stay calm! We're going to die!

Everyone in! Now!

Come on! Put some back into it!

We don't have time. Now go!

Quickly, ladies!

We'll hold them off as long as we can!

Where are Shrek and Fiona?

The name doesn't ring a bell.

No bell.

I suggest you freaks cooperate...

...with the new King of Far Far Away!

The only thing you're ever gonna

be king of is King of the Stupids!

- Hook!

- Right!

Avast, ye cookie.

Start talking.

- Gingy!

- Papa!

Settle down now.

On the good ship Lollipop

It's a sweet trip to the candy shop

You!

You can't lie.

So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek?

Well... I don't know where he's not.

You don't know where Shrek is?

It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume...

...that I couldn't exactly not say that

is or isn't almost partially incorrect.

So you do know where he is!

On the contrary,

I'm possibly more or less

not definitely rejecting the idea

that in no way,

with any amount of uncertainty...

Stop it!

...I do not know where he shouldn't be.

If that indeed wasn't where he isn't.

Even if he wasn't not where

I knew he was, it could mean...

On the good ship Lollipop

Enough! Shrek went off

to bring back the next heir!

He's bringing back the next heir?

No!

Hook! Get rid of this new "King".

But bring Shrek to me.

I have something special

in mind for him.

He'll never fall for your tricks!

Oh, boy.

I can't believe it. Me, a king?

I knew I came from royalty, but...

...I figured everyone forgot about me.

Oh, no. In fact the King

asked for you personally.

Really? Wow.

But I know it's not all fun and games.

It really is

all fun and games, actually.

Sure, you have to knight a few heroes,

launch a ship or two.

By the way, make sure you hit the boat

just right with the bottle.

Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.

Well, I've heard

it's harder than it looks.

This is going to be huge.

Parties, princesses,

castles. Princesses.

You'll be living in the lap of luxury.

The finest chefs

will wait for your order.

And fortunately,

you'll have the royal food tasters.

What do they do?

Taste the food before the King eats,

to make sure it's not poisoned.

- Poisoned?

- Or too salty.

Don't worry. Your bodyguards

will keep you safe.

All of them willing

at a moment's notice

to lay down their lives

out of devotion to you.

Really?

The whole kingdom will look

to you for wisdom and guidance.

Make sure they don't die of famine!

- Or plague.

- Plague is bad.

The coughing, the groaning,

the festering sores.

Festering sores!

You are one funny kitty cat.

What did I say?

We don't want Artie

getting the wrong idea.

Artie?

There goes my hip!

Artie! What are you doing?

What does it look like?!

This really isn't up to you.

I don't know anything about being king!

You'll learn on the job!

Sorry to disappoint you,

but I'm going back.

Back to what? Being a loser?

Now look what you did!

Look what I did?

Who's holding the wheel, chief?

Shrek!

Land ho!

How humiliating.

Oh, nice going, Your Highness.

Now it's "Your Highness"?

What happened to "loser"?

If you think this is getting you

out of anything, it isn't.

We're heading back to Far Far Away

one way or another...

...and you're going to be a father!

What?

You just said "father".

King! You're going to be king!

"You're going to be king!" Yeah, right.

Where are you going?

Far Far Away... from you!

Get back here, young man!

Boss? I don't think he's coming back.

Maybe it's for the best.

He's not exactly king material.

When did you plan to tell him

you were supposed to be king?

Come on. Why would I do that?

Besides, he'll be ten times

better at it than me.

Then change your tactics

if you want to get anywhere with him.

You're right, Donkey.

What about this?

- Shrek!

- Come on. It's just a joke.

Still...

Listen, Artie.

If you think this whole mad scene

ain't dope, I feel you, dude.

I'm not trying to get up in your grill

or raise your roof.

But what I am screamin' is, yo...

...check out this

kazing thazing, bazaby!

If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying

ain't straight trippin',

say, "Oh, no, you didn't!

You're getting on my last nerve."

And then I'll know it's...

I'll know it's wack!

Help!

I've been kidnapped by a monster

who's trying to relate to me!

- Artie, wait.

- Come on! Help! Hello?

Greetings, cosmic children

of the universe.

Welcome to my serenity circle.

Please leave any bad vibes

outside the healing vortex.

Now prepare to...

I knew I should have got that warranty!

Mr. Merlin?

You know this guy?

Yeah. He was the school magic teacher,

until he had his nervous breakdown.

Technically, I was merely a victim

of a level 3 fatigue.

At the request of my therapist,

and the school authorities, I retired

to the tranquility of nature

to discover my divine purpose.

Can I interest anyone

in a snack or beverage?

Uh, no.

Sure you don't want to try

my Rock Au Gratin?

It's organic.

Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in.

We need directions to Far Far Away.

"We"? Who said I was going with you?

I did. People are counting on you,

so don't try to weasel out of it.

If the job's so great, you do it.

Understand this, kid. No more

Mr. Nice Guy from here on out.

That was your Mr. Nice Guy?

Yeah, and I'm going to miss him.

Why don't you go terrorize a village

and leave me alone!

Was that a crack about ogres? You get

your royal highness to Far Far Away...

...before I kick it there!

Now, which way am I kicking?

I could tell you, but since you're

in the midst

of a self-destructive rage spiral,

it would be karmically irresponsible.

Self-destructive...?

Are you going to help us or not?

Most definitely, but only after you

take the journey to your soul!

I don't think so.

It's either that

or primal scream therapy.

All right. Journey to the soul.

Now, all of you,

look into the Fire of Truth

and tell me what you see.

Ooh, charades!

Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte

with cinnamon swirls!

Okay, monster... go for it.

I see a rainbow pony.

Excellent work! Now the boy.

This is lame.

You're lame! Now just go for it.

Okay.

There's a baby bird and a father bird

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