Shrek the Third Page #4

sitting in a nest.

Yes! Stay with it!

The dad just flew away. Why did

he leave the little bird all alone?

It's trying to fly,

but it doesn't know how to.

It's going to fall!

Proper head case you are.

Really messed up.

Okay, I get it. The bird's me.

My dad left. So what?

Look, Artie, um...

Just thought I'd help set the mood...

...for your big heart-to-heart chat.

I know what it's like

to not feel ready for something.

Even ogres get scared.

You know... once in a while.

I know you want me

to be king, but I can't.

I'm not cut out for it,

and I never will be.

Even my own dad knew

I wasn't worth the trouble.

He dumped me at that school

first chance he got...

...and I never heard from him again.

My dad wasn't really

the fatherly type, either.

I doubt he was worse than mine.

Oh, yeah?

My father was an ogre.

He tried to eat me.

I guess I should have realized it.

He bathed me in barbecue sauce and

put me to bed with an apple in my mouth.

I guess that's pretty bad.

It may be hard to believe,

what, with my obvious charm

and good looks,

but people used

to think I was a monster.

And for a long time, I believed them.

But after a while,

you learn to ignore

the names people call you

and just trust who you are.

You know... you're okay, Shrek.

You just need to do a little less

yelling and use a little more soap.

Thanks, Artie.

The soap's because

you stink... really bad.

Yeah... I got that.

This place is filthy!

I feel like a hobo.

I'm sorry, but this

isn't working for me.

Everything's always about you.

It's not like your attitude is helping.

Maybe itjust bothers you

I was voted fairest in the land.

You mean in that rigged election?

Give me a break. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel...

...let down thy golden extensions!"

Ladies, let go of your petty complaints

and let's work together!

So I guess the plan is

we just wander aimlessly

in this stinkhole until we rot.

No, we get inside and find out

what Charming's up to.

I know he's a jerk and everything,

but that Charming

makes me hotter than July.

That's it!

Come on! This way!

Rapunzel, wait!

Charming, let go of her.

But why would I want to do that?

What?

Say hello, ladies,

to the new Queen of Far Far Away.

Rapunzel, how could you?

Jealous much?

Soon you'll be back

where you started,

scrubbing floors

or locked away in towers.

That is, if I let you last the week.

Pookie, you promised not to hurt them.

Not here, kitten whiskers.

Daddy will discuss it later.

Now forgive us.

We have a show to put on.

Shrek will be back soon,

and you'll be sorry.

Sorry?!

Don't you realize once Shrek

sets foot in Far Far Away...

...he's doomed?

Look out! They got a piano!

Kill them all... except the fat one.

King Charming has something special

in mind for you, ogre.

King Charming?

Attack!

Artie, duck!

Ready the plank!

- Shrek!

- Help!

Cowards!

What has Charming done with Fiona?

She's going to get what's coming to her.

And there ain't nothing

you can do to stop him!

- We've got to save her.

- But she's so far far away!

Get yourself back

to Worcestershire, kid.

No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea.

I am a buzzing bee.

Mr. Merlin?

They need a spell to get them...

...I mean us, back to Far Far Away.

Forget it. I don't have that kind

of magic in me anymore.

How about a hug?

That's the best kind of magic.

Please. I know you can do it.

I said forget it!

But...

What's with you?

It's just so hard, you know?

They need to get back,

'cause their kingdom's in trouble.

'Cause there's a really bad man.

It's just so hard!

Take it easy.

No! I don't think you understand!

There's a mean person doing

mean things to good people.

Have a heart, old man.

They really need your help to get back.

Why won't you help them?!

Okay.

I'll go get my things.

Piece of cake.

Well, well. You want eggs with that ham?

I am a little rusty, so there

could be some side effects.

- Side effects?

- Don't worry.

Whatever it is, no matter

how excruciatingly painful,

it will wear off eventually. I think.

- Oops.

- You sure about this?

If Artie trusts him,

that's good enough for me.

Even if his robe doesn't cover...

Alacritious expeditious...

...a- zoomy-zoom-zoom!

Let's help our friends get back...

...soon!

It worked!

I haven't been on a trip

like that since college!

Donkey?

What? Is something in my teeth?

Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into

a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick!

At least you don't look

like some kind of bloated pinata!

You should think about going on a diet!

You should get yourself a pair of pants.

I feel all exposed and nasty!

So you two think this is funny?

I'm really sorry, guys.

Don't be. You got us back, kid.

How in the Hans Christian Andersen

am I supposed to parade around

in these goofy boots?

Hey, hey, hey!

Be very careful with those.

They were made in Madrid

by the finest...

You'll learn to control that.

Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort

inserts or arch supports or something.

Watch it. I'm walking here

and I'm gonna keep going until...

Pinocchio!

Shrek! Help me!

- What happened?

- Charming and the villains took over!

Fiona and the Princesses got away.

Now she's...

She's what?! What?!

Puss! Loan me five bucks.

You heard him. Help the brother out.

Do you see any pockets on me?

Hold on a second.

I had no idea, really. I... I swear.

Quick! Where is Fiona?

Charming has her locked away

someplace. You have to find him!

He's probably getting ready

for the show!

Wait, Pinocchio! What show?

"It's a Happily Ever After After All".

"Shrek's final performance"?

Shrek! You didn't tell us

you were in a play!

I guess I've been so busy

I forgot to mention it.

The ogre! Get him!

Don't worry, jefe. I got this.

Uck! Kill it!

Look. Don't you know who

he thinks he is? How dare you!

We're dealing with amateurs.

He's a star, people! Hello?

I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.

I'm going to lose it!

Is everything ready? You did get

the list for the dressing room?

Breakfast croissant stuffed

with seared sashimi tuna.

And I hope you have the saffron corn

with jalapeno honey butter.

Our client cannot get

into his proper emotional state

withoutjalapeno honey butter!

I just lost it.

They should talk to Nancy

in Human Resources.

Oh, we will have much to say

to Nancy, I promise!

"With this sword, I do..." No. "With..."

"With this sword, I do smote thee!"

Is "smote" the right word? "Smoot"?

I don't think that's a word.

Maybe I should just "smite" him.

Let's try this again. Now...

Shrek attacks me.

I pretend to be afraid.

"Now the kingdom will get the happily

ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!"

Blah, blah, blah. Oh,

itjust doesn't feel real enough!

Who told you to stop dancing?!

Wink and turn.

What are you laying around for?

Get up! Honestly!

Our happily ever after

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