Sidewalks of New York Page #5

I'm with her, we have sex...

...but I have the occasional affair.

It's been done in Italy and France

for years.

I don't know if the Germans do it.

I don't know what they do.

But you know-

So it's a very different life.

That's the kind of life

that I have.

What Annie doesn't know isn't gonna

hurt her, to tell you the truth.

I think it's kind of depressing

sometimes.

You pass thousands of people

on the street every day...

...yet you can still feel

so isolated.

Isolated and alone.

You walk by, you're in a crowd

of people- Millions of people-

...yet nobody knows you, they don't

know what you're going through.

I guess I just feel

kind of melancholy lately.

I'm turning 30 next year...

...and I guess my life just isn't

what I thought it would be.

Excuse me.

- Are you the real estate agent?

- Yes. Annie Matthews.

- Nice to meet you.

- How are you? Tommy.

- Shall we go up?

- Yeah.

It's a great neighborhood. Recently

renovated, 2,500 square feet.

- How many bedrooms?

- Three bedrooms.

- Two and a half baths.

- That's good.

I want to find a big place

like this...

...the kind of house you can

grow old in, raise a family in.

I'm sure your wife would love it.

How many kids do you have?

My wife? I'll let you know

when I meet her.

How many?

Like five, maybe?

Gotta have my starting five.

Do I look like a bunny rabbit?

How am I gonna have five kids?

What about you? Any kids?

You married, though? That's

a wedding ring on your finger.

- Yeah.

- Happy?

Are you writing a book?

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to make

polite conversation.

- What do you think of this place?

- It's nice. It's big.

But it doesn't feel like me.

It's a little feminine.

We'll keep looking, then.

Where are you runnin' off to?

If you can believe it,

I've got a date tonight.

Good for you.

You got right back out there, kid.

That's great.

Aren't you gonna take a shower?

- You think I need to?

- There's a definite scent there.

I don't know what it is.

Just slap some cologne on.

- You'll be all right.

- I don't like to wear cologne.

Thanks anyway.

I think I'll be fine.

You don't wear cologne?

You'd rather show up on your date

smelling like some barnyard animal.

Just slap some cologne on.

It shows you got a little class.

Don't forget the balls.

- What are you talking about?

- Spray some on your balls.

I won't put cologne on my balls.

You think I'm some sort of savage?

I want you to listen

to me on this.

I can smell your armpits

from here, okay?

What do your balls smell like

when she sticks her face down there?

Just give those bad boys a spritz,

and she'll love it.

Go ahead.

Do what I tell ya.

You're a sick man,

but I'll do it in the next room.

They love it

when the balls smell nice.

Lets them know you care.

Would I have sex

on the first date?

I think I might be starting

to sound like an a**hole here...

...but who wouldn't?

Sure.

I'm not one of those girls...

...that thinks she can't have

a real relationship with a guy...

...if she sleeps with him

on the first date.

You know, that's silly.

I'm all for it, preferably

before going to the movie...

...and paying for the popcorn.

I just think it's weird that

there's this person out there...

...just walking around,

leading their life.

Then you meet them in a bar,

then two or three hours later...

...you have their penis inside you.

That's a little scary.

Well, I was happy,

or I thought I was.

But he thought

we were too young...

...and couldn't see himself being

faithful for the rest of his life.

So what happened?

You got divorced?

Not until I found out that he

was sleeping with other women.

You see? It's so fragile.

I don't know anyone that hasn't

either cheated on their spouse...

- Or been cheated on at some time.

- It's depressing.

What happened? Did you catch him?

How did you find out?

You weren't hitting on her?

No, I was just talking to her.

I was standing right there.

I heard you.

What did you hear?

- You want me to repeat it?

- Yeah.

I didn't say anything that would

warrant these accusations.

Really? Telling someone I work with,

that I have to see every day...

...that she has nice tits

doesn't warrant these accusations?

I didn't say that.

All I'm saying is

that you have really nice breasts.

All right, maybe I said something

like that, but I was only kidding.

- Kidding?

- Yeah.

I was flirting,

but a kidding kind of flirting.

Flirting is one thing.

Trying to f*** my coworker,

that I have a problem with!

Jesus, that is harsh.

So have you been on a lot of dates

since the divorce?

Have you ever heard

of a born-again virgin?

Really?

It's been that long?

- Over a year.

- That cannot be healthy.

That's unnatural.

Actually, it's not that bad.

After a while,

you don't miss it so much.

You gotta be kidding me.

You know what's gonna happen?

The minute you get it again,

you're gonna kick yourself...

...for being out of the game

for so long.

It's not like I have

a lot of options out there.

Guys in this city, decent ones,

are few and far between.

What the hell am I,

f***ing Doogie Howser over here?

What is that supposed to mean?

Are you offering your services?

I wasn't gonna come right out

and say it, but yeah.

Of course I'd like to, but-

So what do you suggest?

We go to my place, and you help me

with this little problem I've got.

Is that it?

Did I just blow it there?

Did I just totally strike out?

No.

Where do you live?

I actually, you know-

I got a roommate.

Now you're striking out.

32 years old with a roommate?

See, it's just temporary

because my girlfriend kicked me out.

So it's not-

What about you?

Do you live alone?

Yeah.

What'd you say you did for a living?

You're a schoolteacher?

Yeah, I teach the sixth grade.

You see, that's weird.

When you're a kid,

you can't imagine...

...that your sixth-grade teacher

is going out on dates...

...gettin' drunk,

taking guys home.

I just cannot imagine

my sixth-grade teacher...

...lettin' some guy

go down on her at all.

- Why?

- Why?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe because she was a nun.

All right.

I couldn't go through with it

tonight because-

You know, it's just been

since my husband...

...and it was just

a little weird, so-

But that's all.

I just wanted to-

I mean, that's cool.

It's not like I was looking

for a one-night stand or anything.

We can just take it slow.

I mean, I want to see you again.

You wanna see me?

Yeah.

Good.

You better, because that was

a very expensive restaurant.

Expensive meal.

Yeah, very expensive dessert,

you know?

But tasty.

That's right.

So he went down on you

on the first date?

Yeah, I know.

What do you think about that?

- Usually that's not a good sign.

- That's what I was thinking.

But he kind of just went for it

before I knew what was happening.

I felt kind of slutty, though.

Why?

It's not like you had sex

with the guy, right?

He went down on me.

How was that not sex?

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