Sidewalks of New York Page #6

How is that not sex?

You sound like Bill Clinton.

It's just not sex.

It's not.

I'll tell you what I found weird.

Do guys usually put cologne

on their balls?

Did he have it on his balls,

or did he have it on his underwear?

His balls.

That's a little weird.

Yuck.

You wrote a song

for that hot chick at the diner?

- Hot song for a hot chick.

- She said she'd go out with you?

Not really, but I think she liked me

'cause she didn't seem to hate me.

- Where is she from?

- Iowa.

Iowa?

Where the f*** is Iowa?

Dude, I haven't the slightest.

Look, you want some advice?

Don't play her that song.

- Why not?

- 'Cause it's a bubblegum move.

You're gonna embarrass yourself

and the band.

But if you insist,

better make it a duet.

Yeah, but then she falls for you,

and then, you know-

- 'Cause you've got that voice.

- That's what I'm thinkin'.

Hey, Ashley,

Sergeant Pepper's here again.

He's got a guitar with him.

I really hope he's not gonna

be serenading you in here.

He's kinda cute.

He looks like a freak.

What's with the outfit?

- How's it goin'?

- Hi. How you doin'?

- Not so bad. How you doin'?

- I'm doin' good.

- It's a good day.

- I told you I'd be back, right?

Yeah, but you have the guitar

with you.

Yeah. You know what I did?

Last night I went home,

I wrote a song for you.

Now I feel like

it's not the right time.

Might not be a good idea.

I'm a little nervous.

Are you gonna sing,

or is it just the guitar?

If it makes you uncomfortable,

don't.

You don't need to do it now.

Come back and play it another time.

I could play a little bit

right now, probably, for you.

- Whatever you want.

- It's a real pretty song.

- What's it called?

- It's called "A Girl Like You. "

A girl like me?

"A Girl Like You. "

Yeah, I know.

I mean, was it written

about a girl like me?

Is this song

about a girl like me?

I wrote it for you.

Yeah.

So, okay.

Wait a second. You said

you have a boyfriend already.

- Yeah.

- I remember you said that.

Maybe I shouldn't play this song.

Might not be right.

Right?

It might be like cheating.

Yeah, probably not.

This was weird.

I'll probably-

I'll probably come back

another time, okay?

Oh, no.

You don't have to go.

I have to go.

Ah, I'm stuffed.

But I'll be back

without the guitar.

- Take it easy, you.

- You too.

Bye.

I got beat up a lot

when I was a kid...

...so I spent most of my time

in my bathroom...

...learning to play guitar

and masturbating.

And now that I'm divorced,

I basically do the same thing.

Too many...

Things I do not care for...

One thing that I adore...

Is a girl like you...

I'm always trying...

To look you in the eye...

It's okay...

A girl like you...

Griffin?

You don't have to worry.

Nobody's gonna recognize you here.

Hope you know

I'm taking a big risk...

...taking you out in public.

Really? Driving us a half hour

out to Brooklyn just to eat dinner?

- I think you're pretty risk-free.

- All right.

We're here to have

a good time, right?

You look very pretty.

Ashley, how's it goin'?

Oh, hi!

Good. How are you?

- You remember me?

- Of course. Ben.

From the coffee shop.

How's it goin'?

Good. What are you doing here?

I'm having dinner

with my grandparents.

- Yeah?

- They're from Burrough Park.

- They're cute.

- I figured I'd take 'em out.

Sorry. Is this your father?

No, this is Griffin,

my dentist.

Griffin, Ben.

Ben, Griffin.

Pleasure. Hi.

All right.

I was goin' to the bathroom.

Okay.

- See you later.

- Bye.

I forgot something

at my table.

- You look great, really good.

- Thanks. Thank you.

All right.

Nice meeting you. I'm sorry.

Bye, Ben.

He's so sweet.

Who is he?

He's just this musician guy

I used to know.

- You know him or-

- We went out a couple of times.

You did go out with him?

So what happened?

Why didn't it work?

You know, it's really

not very important.

No, I wanna know.

I don't know.

If I tell you, do you promise me

you're not gonna get mad?

Yeah, I promise.

- You promise?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- I totally promise.

I couldn't have sex with him.

I mean, I did have sex with him,

but I couldn't continue.

And now I'm supposed

to ask why, I suppose.

What happened?

He couldn't get it up?

He was too big.

- Excuse me?

- Too big.

That's nice. That's a charming bit

of dinner conversation.

Can we have the check?

You said you weren't gonna get mad.

I don't feel like sitting here

talking about your old boyfriends...

...who have much bigger c*cks

than I do, that's all.

- Don't be mad.

- Why wouldn't I be mad?

Would you like me to talk about

my old girlfriends' vaginas?

- You have a very nice-sized one.

- A nice size?

That's very nice. Thanks.

But not like Big Dick Dongo there.

Could we have that check, please?

How we doin' with that check?

Was it serious with that guy?

It was just a fling.

- Just a fling.

- Yeah. It was for fun.

It was strictly physical.

It was nothing.

It was just physical. That's

supposed to make me feel better?

Why are you doing this?

You don't want to know.

I do want to know.

So he and his big cock

were just for fun?

There's no reason for you

to feel threatened.

- I don't feel threatened.

- Honey, I love you.

I don't love him.

You can't get on my case 'cause

you're gonna go home to your wife.

Do you think he's

a better lover than me?

I'm wondering, 'cause maybe that's

the problem we've had lately.

I'm serious.

Maybe you just need, like,

a huge cock to make you happy.

You think that's the problem

we've been having lately?

The problem is that you're married,

and we've been together six months.

Tonight's the first night

you took me on a real date.

That is the problem.

How much bigger is he than me?

That's all I wanna know.

Get off it, will you?

This was nice.

Please leave it be, okay?

Sure.

Hi, babe.

Are you here?

- How are ya?

- Flowers! What's the occasion?

I need an occasion

to buy flowers for my wife?

Usually.

Here, I'll put 'em in-

- Where were you all night?

- I was at the gym.

I told you

I was gonna go to the gym.

I decided to go for a swim

afterwards, then I ran into-

What's that smell?

What smell?

I guess it's your new cologne?

Yeah. You don't like it?

No, it's kind of flowery.

Maybe it's the flowers.

- I'm gonna go to bed.

- Anyway- You going to bed?

At the gym tonight, I was looking

through one of those...

...you know, those men's magazines.

They had an article in there

about penis size.

Now, I know you've only been

with a couple of guys.

So you've told me.

But...

...is mine like a nice...

...size or-

I don't know.

I've never compared.

Would you describe it

as big or-

I don't know. Maybe.

Is everything all right?

Yeah. Why?

You just seem different

to me lately.

What do you mean, "different"?

What do you mean?

Well, you're not as affectionate

as you used to be.

When we first got together...

...you could barely

keep your hands off.

Now, you know,

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