Sisters Page #10

And I got mostly B's!

I know, I cheated off you.

And then you decided that I was a "no."

And then everybody

decided that I was a "no"!

And then guess who

decided that I was a "no"?

The Bachelor?

Me.

So, I have decided that

tonight I deserve to be here.

Tonight, I am a "yes."

I am a "hell yes"!

I am a "yeah."

I am a "hell yeah."

I am a "f*** to the yeah"!

Wordsmith. I am a

"yippie-ki-yay yes"!

And you know what the saddest part is?

Your vagina?

No.

The saddest part

is that you and I used to

have a blast in grade school.

And we would probably still be friends

if you weren't such a selfish hothead.

I am not a selfish hothead!

Put that phone down! Give me that. No!

Give me that phone! Give me that!

No! Don't touch my phone.

Maura! Maura!

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mom, I'm here.

I'm at Gram and Gramps'.

You're here? In Orlando? Yeah.

Oh, great. Okay.

They told me that they're

gonna help us get a house.

Do you want me to come down

there and we can talk about it?

Uh, we're all pretty wiped from packing.

You know, I would say maybe

just get some rest and...

So come over in the morning.

Wait. You want me to

come there in the morning?

You have been begging me for

weeks to tell you where I am,

and now that I'm here

you're gonna blow me off?

No, I'm not blowing you off!

I'm so excited! We're getting a house,

and you're gonna have your own room.

I got a baloney dick!

Who has a baloney dick? Nobody.

Are you at a party right now?

Earlier. We had a packing cookout.

Cookout with your cock oui.

I'm on the phone!

You say that you want a fresh start

and everyone is trying to help us out,

and this is how you thank them?

It's not what you think. No,

it's exactly what I think.

I start trusting you again

and then you turn around

and you start acting like one of

the Rea! Housewives of Orange County.

Can you just give me a

chance to make it right?

No! I don't wanna live with

my loser mom who parties.

You know what? Tonight, I'm actually

the only person who's not partying.

Yeah, right.

F*** it.

Kale! Kate! Kate!

Hey. Lollapazuzu, I'm partying now.

You ready for me?

I've been ready.

My safe word is "Keep going."

I don't need one. You will.

I don't have insurance.

You have such a good, solid, man face.

I'm gonna do stuff to

you right now. YOU are?

Yes. Okay.

Put your pants off. I'm sorry.

I meant to say that a little smoother

but I'm very, very drunk,

plus stoned. Let's go.

Just open up your parts.

Put your pants off.

No, no, no. I'm putting

them off right now.

Yep, here we go. Yeah!

You have kids?

Two girls in Korea. Oh, I miss them bad.

So far.

I put their hairs in my bra.

I miss how my daughter

smells when she has wet hair.

She die'? No.

I haven't been able to

find her, like, all summer.

That is f***ed up.

Don't judge me. Your kids

are in another country.

That's f***ed up.

I work my butt to save my kids

so they can come live with me.

I used to be pediatric radiologist.

What?

What do you do for your kid?

You wanna hug?

Yeah, give this messy b*tch a hug.

Katie, what's the matter, baby?

Aw, look at you. Don't

cry. It's gonna make me cry.

People are really working

their sh*t out at this thing.

This is like Korean drama.

Heads up! Whoo!

You're out of booze.

I'm on it.

Party mom to the rescue.

Okay, we're gonna get

started in one second.

Okay.

Hello.

Hey, you're number one.

Okay, let's take it up a notch.

Okay, you know what time it is? No.

It's candle play time. Uh-oh!

I should warn you that

this did not go well

when I was having sex with Frankenstein.

Fire bad.

Oh. Ah. Yeah, I'm ready.

I didn't think...

That's wild. That's wild.

Oh, God. I didn't think I was

gonna like it, but I like it.

How does this sucker not stay lit?

Okay. Hold the sex phone.

All right. Just getting into it.

Oh, look who we have here.

Garfield!

Garfield always comes

through. Yeah, he's...

He's gonna help us out. Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Sh*t. F***!

Oh! No! Sh*t!

My God!

Oh, f***!

Did you fall on something

sharp? Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Okay, did it go up inside

of you by way of your rectum?

Yeah, I think so.

It feels like a small

trophy or... A collectible.

James, I am a nurse. Okay?

I can get whatever is up there out.

No, I don't want you to look.

It's not Maura, the woman that

you were kissing who's gonna look.

It's a nurse who just got here. Okay.

Hello, sir. Nice to meet

you for the first time.

Okay. All right. Okay.

I'm just gonna roll you over

so I can examine your rectum.

Okay. Stop. Stop saying rectum.

I'm gonna get it out,

whatever it is. Mmm-hmm. Okay.

So I'm just gonna twist it,

and pull it out slowly. Mmm-hmm.

Just breathe.

It's a music box.

Yep.

It's my ballerina music box. Mmm-hmm.

And she's in high-fifth position,

which is why she went in so easily.

Okay.

Is it past the tutu?

Yeah. Mmm.

That's why it's catching.

So, okay, James, I'm

gonna try something here.

No. Nah' I'm good. It's okay.

I know, I know. Just give me a second.

Okay, hold on!

That's turning inside

me! Just let it wind down.

I think it's almost done.

It's Swiss-made, so

it may take a while.

How long is this f***ing song?

It really is a beautiful melody.

Beethoven. What a... What a genius.

And we're do... Nope.

It went around again. Yeah.

Okay, you know what'? I'm gonna hop up.

Okay. You got it? Yeah,

I got it-Yeah, no, no.

It didn't happen. It never happened.

Be gentle. Be very, very careful.

I'm gonna borrow this. Let's not

make this the headline of the night.

We are gonna laugh about this someday.

You know, that is not the worst

rectal accident I've ever seen.

Thanks for that.

Thanks for cleaning up

the f***ing gel, Kate!

Holy sh*t.

Help me wash it off. Yeah?

Kate?

Has anyone seen my sister?

She's sober and she needs

to drive us to the hospital.

I think I got the gangrene.

I might have f***ed a copy machine!

Good Lord.

Are you okay?

I swallowed my wedding ring!

Where's my purse?

Hey, Aunt Maura. I just landed in

Orlando! Thanks for our conversation.

I 'm glad you talked me into

coming down-I do trust you.

I set the alarm at your condo,

and I gave my keys to your

pet-sitter, like you told me.

And I sent you a picture o?

Me and Polenta. She misses you.

Oh, hell no.

Where is my purse? Have

you seen it anywhere?

It was just here.

Oh, sh*t.

More stevia!

Cloud Nine didn't

have this glitch in it.

Hey! Calm down.

Oh, steamroller!

Steamroller!

Santa, help me!

Okay, good night.

Good night, sweet prince.

James!

James.

James, let me get you to a hospital.

No, I'm all right. The thing is...

Maura, thank you for your help,

but I know what's best for me.

And right now...

I think I need to be

alone with my a**hole.

Okay. Good night, Maura.

I need more stevia!

Where's Kate?

Oh, she went to go get booze.

She was pretty drunk.

Say hello to my little

friend! Of course she was.

Let's get this party started!

He's on Cloud 10!

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