Sisters Page #11

I'm Alex.

We are going to dance floor

to dance out the rat poison.

What the f***?

Hey. I'm sorry. Hold on one

second. Hold on one second.

Oh-my God! Mom?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I'm kidding!

But thanks for finally

laughing, you f***ing a**holes!

Oh, I'm gonna kill her!

Where's my sister?

Kate!

Girl fight!

Maura!

Kate! Maura!

Girl fight!

Where's my sister?

Girl fight!

Go, go, go!

We did it, you guys.

We stopped time!

It's snowing!

Oh, my God. You guys.

Sinkhole!

On, sh*t!

Look at this!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

There's a sinkhole. There's a sinkhole.

Look at this.

You told me you were

gonna take care of things

and you let everything go to sh*t.

Where did you go?

You were supposed to stay sober.

I was supposed to get laid!

Oh, I'm so sorry that you couldn't get laid

for the five millionth time in your life.

Oh, I get! I get my

f***ing dick when I want to.

Don't you ever pull that sh*t with me!

I know you get tons of dick!

Just not tonight and

not recently. Mmm-hmm.

Where's my daughter, Maura?

Do you know?

No.

Look me in the eyes.

I don't know where she is.

You've always been a

f***ing terrible liar.

Where is my daughter, Maura?

She has been staying with me in Atlanta.

Since when?

June.

June.

You watched me worry

about her like an idiot,

f***ing texting her every day, and

freaking out about her every day.

And she was living

with you the whole time?

Okay, but the thing is,

she didn't want you to know.

You're my sister! You should

have told me she was safe!

She is. She was! The

thing is, Haley needs...

Don't tell me what my

daughter needs, Okay?

Why don't you drive yourself to f***ing

Petco and find a f***ing husband?

Or go breastfeed a squirrel,

you sad excuse for a woman.

Oh, sh*t!

This reminds me of that movie

we watched on our anniversary.

Ow! Ow!

My hip. My hip!

Are you okay? Yeah.

Can you move it? Yeah.

Good, because I'm gonna kill you!

I really hope Maura cracks her in half.

Come on, Maura!

Don't you spit on me.

Why are you hitting yourself'? Not cool!

Wait a second. I'm posting this sh*t

straight on PoolsideBitchFights.com.

Kick her in the tits!

Haley is my kid, not yours!

God damn it!

What have you done to our house?

Stop that mud wrestling now!

Mom, leave Aunt Maura alone.

I was doing just fine living with her.

I mean, ask Gram and Gramps.

You guys knew all along that

she was living with Maura?

You lying mofos!

I'm gonna kill you.

Stop it. Stop it! We are fed up.

We have no energy for this goddamn sh*t.

Stop!

Our whole house looks like

Pompeii, and you two are wrestling?

I'll tell you what.

Since we're all finally

telling the goddamn truth,

here's our truth.

And we mean this from

the bottom of our hearts.

We are so tired of the both of you.

We're so tired. We really are.

You know, everybody always said to us...

"Enjoy your kids while they're

young because it goes so fast."

I don't know what the f***

they were talking about,

because it seems like

we'll never be done.

We keep trying to pass you the baton.

You won't take it.

Take it!

Just take the f***ing baton!

I agree. We all think you

should take the baton, Kate.

Maura, cut the sh*t.

We're talking to you, too.

Me? Yeah, you.

Go and live your life

and stop following us around

like we're gonna die any minute.

Yeah, we probably have more sex

than the both of you. Yeah.

We know! Yeah. We interrupted

one of your day-bangs.

Oh, my God!

You know, if it takes a village...

I want a different village,

because this one sucks!

Why can't you guys just be...

Haley! Haley!

Oh, God. Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, sweet Jesus!

- Haley!

Haley? Mom!

- Bucky, do something!

- Haley!

Haley!

Oh, sh*t! Kate!

This party is unbelievable.

I am not going in to work

tomorrow. TSA can kiss my ass.

Kate, I've been through this sh*t

before when my condo sankholed.

I'm gonna talk you through it.

Your first instinct is gonna be

just to go to sleep and

deal with it in the morning,

but don't do that

I got a ladder. Kate!

- Is it cold?

- Yes, it's f***ing cold!

Hush! It looks cold.

Everyone's distracted by

the emergency right now.

I wanna be balls deep in joy.

Then be in it.

Back into me.

Backing into you.

I'm in. Lock it up.

- Okay, I got you.

- We got the ladder.

Kate! Come on up the ladder.

We can do this together, all right?

Everyone say a non-denominational

silent prayer to themselves, please.

Haley, don't be scared. Here we go.

- That's really high.

- Come on, you can do it!

- It's too steep. I'm gonna fall.

- It's the only way out.

Look, there's Gramps. Oh,

you're not gonna slip, honey.

Come on. I can't, I can't.

We need to get in there and help

them. I need all your carabiners!

I'm all over it.

Hales' this could keep sinking.

Do you want me to climb with you?

What?

I'll climb with you, okay? I'm

gonna climb right here, next to you.

Kate, you can do it!

Mommy used to do this at parties,

because she was a f***ing idiot.

Come on. Come on. Come on, now.

Everybody!

- Don't look down. You got it.

- Kate! Kate! Kate!

Okay. Come on.

There we go.

Yep. Yep. Come on, girl.

You got it. Haley. Come on!

You're almost there.

Come on. I got it! Mom?

I'm the mom! Come on.

All right!

Now, everybody get the hell out of

here, before I call your children!

You jumped into a sinkhole

and climbed a rock wall to save me.

Yeah, it's called Mom strength.

I basically She-Hulked.

You're my kid.

It's the only job I'll never quit.

Did you smell my head?

Yeah, smells good.

You're such a weirdo.

Remember, I can throw a car at you.

Maybe it'll look better in the daylight?

Why is it blue?

Well, we are totally f***ed.

Oh, my God, Mom, don't say "f***ed."

It sounds so wrong

coming out of your mouth.

Oh, too f***ing bad.

I'm pissed.

And I'll say whatever I wanna say

because I am cuntingly

disappointed in you!

All right.

That's not even a word. Don't

you dare sass me like your sister.

We are going home

and your asses are getting

up at 6:
00 a-m. To clean up.

And put some underwear on! What?

What are you doing? I

mean, it's just shameful!

God, you guys need to chill out.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Calm down, Mom!

F*** Off!

Dear diary, tonight we had a

party that fumed into a foam orgy.

I made out with a sweet, hot,

funny guy who really liked me

until he fell down

butthole-first on a ballerina.

What a night.

Asses up!

Now!

On, God!

Who's that?

Whoa! What happened here?

Oh.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Ellis.

You look great.

You find my hearing aid?

Where did you leave it?

She can't hear you.

She had to take them out because

the beeping was freaking me out

when I was on drugs.

What?

Nobody's lips are moving.

Okay. I'm pretty sure I

swallowed all my credit cards,

so I'm gonna go deal with that.

Come on, my love.

Happy Birthday!

When the girls were little, I used

to wash their hair with this sprayer.

I could put this one in

the condo, if you like.

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