Sisters Page #9

No, this stuff's safe.

This is all from the '70s.

Wow! This is f***ed up!

I wanna do that foam thing

like we saw at the Fart Mitzvah.

I need to talk to you

outside. Now. Oh. Oh.

Well, let's do this. My

earrings are coming off, bohatch!

Why? You gonna hit me with

your long-ass earlobes?

I have been waiting

a long time for this.

Let me in!

This is bullshit!

Hey. How's everything going?

I'm crushing it. How's

the man-harvest going?

James is so hot.

My high school heart cramp

has turned into a heart-on.

I have a heart-on for him.

I have a raging heart-on.

I don't get it. Explain

it more. I have a...

- Who the hell did that'?

- I did.

You are so badass!

F*** the Geernts!

Okay, I'm gonna dive back in. Bye!

F***ing party.

Jackpot.

Foam party!

Strip it down, town!

Oh, sh*t. It's my parents!

Shut the f*** up! It's her parents!

Everyone, I'm gonna

sneeze, shut the f*** up!

Hello?

You're home! We're coming over.

Oh, no, don't come over.

We're just in our pj's

watching Risky Business.

Maura told us the wonderful news

about you and Haley moving to Orlando!

And Wu got a job!

Not hers to tell, but okay.

Dad and t got an idea.

And we're only medium drunk.

Could you headline news it for me?

Yes.

We are gonna give you 50% of the

money from the sale of the house

and then we're gonna use the

other 50% to pay off the condo.

And we're leaving Maura the stocks.

We though! That you could use the money

to buy a little house for you and Haley.

Would I have to pay the money back?

Or would it be more

of a "wink-wink" loan?

We're giving it to you.

For free.

As a love gift.

That solves a lot of things.

Okay, I got to go now. Thanks so much.

Okle dokle.

Wash and dry any tea cups you use,

and we're very happy for you, honey.

Okay, thanks, bye!

Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t.

Rob, Rob, Rob!

I'm the bomb!

I'm the bomb! I'm the bomb!

Okay. Guys?

I'm actually gonna need everyone to just

start cleaning up the area

where they're standing.

Everybody, gamer round, okay?

I just smoked some 21st century pot.

So I need to say my mind. Make it quick.

Release your b*obs!

No, my b*obs are sleeping right now.

Six more weeks of winter!

I wanna thank my sister,

Kate, for holding down the fort

and helping me have the

best night of my life.

Wrapping it up.

In the spirit of my sister,

I encourage all of you to make

your mark on this house tonight.

No, do not make your mark.

Where's my handyman?

Hey. I like that you know who you are.

And that you ask for what you want.

And I think you're

really cute. Thank you.

But, whatever, dude. A lo!

Of people are cute, so relax.

Okay.

Anyway, seriously, you guys.

Remember who you really

are and be that you!

- Be that what?

- You!

- What that you?

- Be!

Be what you?

That!

You!

It's "that," it's f***ing "be that you!"

Be that you! Be that you! Be that you!

All right, don't yell at me.

I just did it three

times! Don't yell at me!

Who's yelling?

One more time. Be what you?

That!

You got it! I'm out.

Thank you. Good night. We are closed.

Take the party outside!

No, that way.

Guys, that way!

I liked your speech.

I'm meeting you in the bedroom.

I'm going in there to fix the drywall.

Okay. Okay.

- Excuse me, please.

- Excuse me.

Alex, take your dick out of

the paint, right this minute!

No! I'm gonna draw suh-in!

I'm like a little Pablo Dickasso!

Hey, man. I got you. Sh*t!

Yes, my neighbors are having a loud

party, and I'd like to complain.

I need you to shut it down.

Oh, man.

Who called the cops?

Having a pretty big party, huh?

Oh, is 500 people too much?

POPO! POPO!

Oh, somebody call a stripper?

You gonna take your clothes off

for us? You can't come in here.

Without the judge signing

the thing. I got this.

This is where I live.

This is our house. Yep.

This where we live, okay?

And this is our property

for the next 24 hours.

A lot of sex is gonna

happen. A lot of sexy times.

You can't stop that.

Last time I checked, sex

wasn't against the law,

as much as you would

love that, wouldn't you?

Maura, please behave. Why

don't you step off, blue?

Don't you know I'm loco? Sh*t!

Now we know that.

Officer Donuts.

Why don't you go back

into your squad car

and go save a kitten from a tree,

because these pussies are doing fine.

All right? Clean the

donuts out of your ears

and hear the words that

are coming out of my mouth.

I will protect my all's property from

all y'all and that's including moi.

That means "me."

It means "me." I don't...

It doesn't mean you.

I don't need to protect anything

from her. That's my sister.

Right. From the same

mister, who's our dad.

So, wrap your mind

around that, Cap'n Crunch.

Capeach?

I know something about you.

You're a nice person, right?

And you look like a Ken doll, hopefully

with the genitals. Fingers crossed.

You've picked a very great

profession. And I salute you.

But you know what? This

is how I'll salute you.

Like this. I'm sorry.

Wait, that didn't

happen, nobody saw that.

I got this.

What are you writing

down? Nothing. It's my pad.

Here, I have something

you should write down.

E- A-T.

S- H-I-T.

Okay, my sister is clearly riding

the ditch at this late hour.

Can you shut this sh*t down?

Was that Maura Ellis?

Yeah.

She went to the sophomore formal

with my cousin who has spina bifida.

Of course she did!

She is a lovely person.

He still talks about it.

Yeah. You know what?

You guys enjoy your party.

No. No, no.

No. No! Wait!

There's a drunk, blind

guy swinging a gun around!

No way. Enjoy!

F***!

Hey.

How's it going in here?

Good, I think.

Yeah, I think you're all set.

I'm gonna have to come back

tomorrow and finish this,

because I am drunk and stoned.

Well, I'm totally sober, so. Yeah.

I did a really bad job.

You're very tall. How tall are you?

About 6'3". With the ladder, about 7'6".

So, I'm just gonna...

Thanks so much for cleaning this all up.

Oh, yeah.

Do you wanna keep working off the clock?

Yeah. Because my bed is broken.

Do you want me to fix it?

Yeah. Lock the door.

People, I'm in charge

here, and I say it's over.

Okay? We had a great

time. Let's wrap it up.

No!

Why? What?

This is such a brilliant idea!

Free slicking.

I wish we had some lubricant.

What perfume is on you?

You like that? Yeah, I do.

It's Risky by Jennifer Love Hewitt.

You can only get it at Kohl's.

I'm wearing Erection by Calvin Klein.

I cannot!

What did I ever do to you

to make you abhor me so?

Are you seriously asking?

You probably don't remember.

Oh, I remember.

We were about to have the

best Ellis Island party ever

because my cousin met John Stamos

at Disney and he was coming.

But you narced to your cop dad.

I narced because he made me!

How? How did he even know?

Because when I found out that

I wasn't invited to your party

it hurt me so very deep'

that I threw up really hard.

Why didn't you invite me?

Why?

I was kind and clean!

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