Sisters Page #8

and just a skosh of Cloud 10.

Are there hazelnuts in that?

I'll take the stuff

for the dick. I got you.

I'll take this. Y'all

mind if I hang out a bit?

Uh... Nah. Nah.

Please, please, please don't. Nuh-uh.

Don't stay... Stay-Yep. Thanks.

Hey, you don't have any

Goldfish crackers up there?

Don't mean to be coy.

Oh, hi, Alex.

I'm just hiding this stevia.

That sh*t's expensive.

Koi, goldfish.

You.

You know, you're the type of badass

that I was susceptible to in my youth.

I used to make out with

my Stretch Armstrong doll,

so this is, like, a full

circle moment for me.

It's cool. I invented the Fleshlight.

I just do this sh*t on the side.

Right on.

Excuse me.

Hey. Turn the music off!

Everybody duck!

Hi. We donated already.

Hey. We received a noise complaint?

Oh, Officer, we are so sorry.

We'll shut everything clown.

No, it's...

Wait a minute. Your eyes are gorgeous.

You know you look exactly

like an Affleck brother, right?

I mean, it is like, dead ringer times.

Any underage drinking going on?

Oh, no. No. No.

Everybody's double 21 in there.

Way over age.

We had a 60-year-old

buy our beer.

Well, you don't look a day over 25.

Thank you.

Thirty-five.

Just do me a favor and act

your ages and keep it down?

We will keep it down.

We will keep it so down,

like, below sea level.

Nice teamwork. Yeah.

I miss flirting with cops.

He was so afraid of us.

Motherf***er, titty-sucker,

two-bailed b*tch.

First PoPo of the

night thwarted by charm.

Ellis Island, proceed, y'all!

Hey. I put in a request

for our special song

so we can do the Applebutt Jam.

I don't think we should do that

tonight. That's not that cool.

No! Tonight is my night, and it is cool,

because we're doing it, and we're cool.

It's good, right?

Come here, peanut.

Tell Mama what's freaking

you the f*** out about time.

I don't know. It's just like...

The other day, I saw this old lady

looking at me through

a window on the street,

and I felt bad for her, you know?

I waved at her, and

she waved back at me,

and then I realized that

was just my reflection.

It was just me and my

old beef jerky face.

Why does time do that to faces?

Why?

Don't do that.

When the time is right, smoke

this with your gentleman friend.

I'm gonna make space cakes for the rest

of the gang like a goddamn June Cleaver

because I have a

domestic side. Mmm-hmm.

Look what fell into my cleavage.

Plinko! Jackpot! Let's go.

Do You play any sports?

Tennis, for a little while.

That's what I was gonna guess.

Okay, Dribbles. I got you, girl. Hey.

Let's go right in there.

Get you looking nice and clean

so you can throw up on it later.

You look like you naturally

have no body hair whatsoever.

Do you oil yourself up a lot?

When I need to get

through a narrow shaft.

Danger. Walk away. That's

a black diamond slope.

Why ain't you partying?

Because I'm the designated mom

tonight. I'm keeping everybody safe.

Do you have kids?

I'm sure I do.

Sh*t.

Hey, Kate. You remember

when you scaled that

sucker right there up to the last beam

and you hollered, "I'm the bomb!"

Like it was yesterday, yo.

Well, come on, Kate.

What are you waiting for?

Come on, everybody. Kate, Kate!

Kate, Kate, Kate!

When you're sober, it's kind of

like, "Why would anyone do this?"

Kate, Kate, Kate!

Come on, Kate. Come on!

This is scary as shart.

How did I not die doing this?

Don't try this. This is not safe.

Somebody moved these bricks.

Hang tight, lady!

This is for the f***ing birds. Shitters.

Oh, you guys. You guys

are gonna love this.

Don't move. Stay right there.

All right. Ready? Ready?

Okay, guys, can you

guess who I am? Ready?

You wanna play rough? Okay.

Say hello to my little friend!

- Cheech! No, Chong.

- No, no, no.

Say hello to my little friend!

Tim Allen. No.

Say hello to my little

friend. Bullets? Nothing.

I love cocaine! Because

I have a scar on my face!

It's stevia! Psych!

It's stevia!

Come on. You can get this!

So, if I read this,

will I get, like, amazing

insight into who you are'?

I am afraid so. Okay.

Way behind the curtain.

Like, in the broom closet.

Well, I like broom closets. Here we go.

"I tried tampons."

"No thanks' Tom Hanks."

"It felt like I fell

down hard on a popsicle."

Oh, man.

That's from last week.

It's good stuff in here.

It's my gift to you.

I love it. I want more.

Now you tell me a secret.

Okay.

I lost a whole bunch of weight recently.

Like, 70 pounds.

Wow. That's great. Yeah, it's a lot.

All right, tell me something else.

On, uh...

I got divorced.

So, you lost, like, 200 pounds.

Let's...

You wanna try something?

Okay.

On the count of three... Mmm-hmm.

Let's say what we're both afraid of.

I mean, unless you don't want to.

No, I'm not afraid to say it.

Okay? Okay, ready?

One.

Two.

Three.

Alligators. Choking on a steak.

Not great.

Let's really say what we're afraid of.

Like, for real.

Okay, O Kay?

Ready?

One, two, three.

I'm afraid that I'm boring...

I'm afraid that losing weight...

and I have too much baggage.

Won't fix everything.

Did you lose weight to

gain self-confidence?

No.

I think I lost the weight

so I could gain a better

view of my perfect penis.

I missed the little guy. Not little.

Medium. I miss the medium guy.

You are so not boring, by the way.

You've already fixed so many things.

There used to be so much stuff here.

This attic made me feel very safe.

Well, a house is just a building.

Home is a feeling.

That's beautiful. Thank you.

Who said that?

I did. Just now.

Were you shotgunning me? I am so sorry.

I misjudged the shotgun. I was going to.

It's my fault. I was showboating.

I am so sorry about that.

You talking to me?

Is you talking to me?

Uh, Robert Pacino.

Aah! No bullets!

Why don't you try sticking your

head up your ass? See if it fits?

What's the one... Grimace? No.

Why don't you try sticking

your head up your ass?

Why don't you try sticking

your head up your ass?

See if it fits! See if it fits!

Stevia!

Why don't you stick

your head up your ass?

See if n fits?

Why don't you try sticking your

head up your ass and see if it fits?

Pass.

Why don't you stick your head

up your ass and see if it fits?

Scarface!

Scarface. Scarface?

Yes!

That's who I was the whole f***ing time!

Awesome, man.

You got to want it a little less.

I can feel my hair growing!

Alex, come on.

Do you hear that? It's Tipsy!

Oh, I love this song! I

got to dance. Here we go.

Hey, you backing it up!

This is your theme now.

Who, me? Or, e'rybody?

Ah, e'rybody.

'Cause e'rybody got got to get tipsy.

What?

Yeah!

E'rybody in the club get tipsy.

Not just you. Not just me. E'rybody.

E'rybody. E'ry day,

e'ry hour, e'ry minute.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Wait, come here. Come here.

Here we go. My dad's gonna murder me!

Shh. Maura, look at me. I can fix this.

Oh, God. Go. Go, go, go.

I'm really

itchy.

It went up my nose.

It went up my butt.

Are we gonna die?

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