Sisters Page #6

sorry, are you having a party here?

Nope. Nope.

If really looks like

you're having a party.

Oh, Gosh. I hate to make

you feel like a dick,

but this is actually for a wake.

I am very sorry to hear that.

Yeah. We always told our cousin,

"Don't play on the tracks."

Dear God.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Obviously, our cousin was a dumbass.

But we will miss her. Him.

Herm. His name was Herm.

They found his head, like, a mile away.

I think he's probably gonna

haunt the house forever.

Headless and angry. Yeah.

I am not buying that bull waste.

That's a girl's belt.

Rich people can just

decide to move somewhere.

Choke on a roll of cash.

So I've been thinking.

Why?

You've asserted yourself,

and you got a job,

so maybe I could give you a loan.

To get a new place.

When you say, "loan, do

you mean the kind you pay back",

or, like, a "wink-wink" loan?

All loans are supposed to be paid back.

Not in my experience.

But you can do that now

because you have a job.

I do.

That is an awesome offer. All right!

Okay, wait.

I am going to ask you for

something in return for the money,

and I don't want you to think that

this loan is contingent on that,

but I will say that if you don't do it,

I feel like I might

not give you the money.

Okay. Great. What?

It's a lot harder than I

thought. Just give me a minute.

Will you be the party mom tonight?

So I can let my freak flag fly?

I would love to.

Yeah?

Because your face is

telling me something else.

That would bring me joy.

You know what? Forget it. It'll

just get screwed up. I'll do it.

You don't think I can

take care of people?

I am an actual mom! I got this!

Okay, but the party mom can't drink.

What fresh fuckery is that?

Does a mother drink at

her kid's birthday party?

Yeah, if there's a lifeguard.

No.

It's okay. I don't mind.

Forget it. I'll be fine. It's okay.

Okay. I won't drink

tonight. You groin it up.

I'll be you. You be me.

Oh, my God. So many red

flags! Okay. Let's do this!

When you're flirting with Mr.

Man, don't weave your divorce tale.

Drunk people like to show

off with fi re. Shut it down.

Over-pronounce things, because he

is gonna be watching your mouth.

Remember, don't leave someone

when they're throwing up.

Sleep-barfing kills.

Once you're in the bedroom,

lock the door so I can't burst in

and take a commemorative picture.

Kate, can you clean up this gel' please?

Yes! Stop asking me about it.

It's that scary time when you're

afraid that no one will show up.

It's 8:
32. People aren't gonna...

Take it, girl. This is your show.

Hey.

Hey! Hi! Hey!

It's Rob and Liz. And their son.

Nope.

Not happening. No kids.

Yeah, he can just watch TV downstairs.

No. Him got to go.

Yeah. Sorry, there's just too

many things he could ingest.

Um...

We'll be back.

Chase, we are gonna go see Nana.

Yeah. Yeah. Yay!

You remember her, right?

Damn. Adults are on time, huh?

Yeah.

Why is Alex walking up our driveway?

I'm so sorry. I invited him, because

I feel bad for him. He's very lonely.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Duane! Duane who?

Duane the bathtub.

I'm dwowning!

You still got it!

May I please have a beverage?

Sanctuary! Mmm.

Wow!

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

Christ, he is immediately exhausting.

Hello there.

Fun train pulling in!

And when my dad finally

died, he actually glowed.

Kelly! Ugh!

When did we all get so old?

I mean, at least the

women are making an effort,

but the men here?

Look like they're being slowly poisoned.

I think it's about how you feel, right?

Done. You know?

Best days behind us. Right, guys'?

I don't know. You might live like

another eight or 10 years, Kelly.

You don't wanna be

looking at it like that.

Chase was like a 10-pound baby.

So when he came out of there,

I mean' it was decimated.

That's horrible. Ugh.

So I ended up having

a vaginal rejuvenation.

It's as tight as a keyhole down there.

I could pick up quarters

with it, if I wanted to.

I haven't wanted to yet.

I shouldn't be telling you this,

but Rob's penis has a kink in it.

I can't think of what it's called.

It's kind of, like, crimped?

I don't know. I can't even...

There they are. Yeah.

Hey.

She bragging about me?

Put a bunch of videos

on YouTube yesterday.

I'm up to a hundred hits,

so, sensacin, as they say.

It's empty-

He has a yeast infection in

his paws, between his paw pads,

and I have to get a wipe, and I have

to wipe out his paws every night.

Are you gonna get me a drink?

Can you give me a chance to offer?

One thousand euthanized a

year just in this county.

I woke up one day, and

boom. No more periods.

What the fuckenheimer?

Grown-up parties suck.

How can one person have

two colonoscopy stories?

I'm gonna get the dancing started.

Get in there, kid.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hi.

Sure don't feel like your age. Oh.

I hope that you have got your

phone in your front pocket.

No.

Come on. Here we go. Here we go!

Hey, you can't start with Mony Mony!

That's like starting with anal. Oh.

All right.

Geernt!

Hi, there. Dropping off paint.

I'll put it by the pool.

So? Okay.

My apologies. I was worried

you were having a party, but I see now,

you really are having a wake.

Hey.

This party is f***ing lame. Do you...

Drugs? I know a guy.

Call him.

- Hello!

- Hi!

Hae-Won!

No, Hae-Won.

Right, sorry. You made it.

I can't believe it. Look!

What? Look at this flock of hotties.

Wow. You look so happy.

You look so free and not oppressed

at all. We were worried about you.

Really? We were worried about you.

Both your feet looked like dried beef.

Ah, I knew you were

talking sh*t about us.

Who wants a drink? Come on.

- Let's go get drink!

- Let's party!

Thank you so much for having us.

- What? You're leaving?

- Great party.

- Kate, they're leaving.

- Hey!

Chase has night terrors.

Absolutely not.

Everybody, huddle up for a second.

To anyone who's even

thinking about leaving,

you can forget it.

You need this as much as we do.

Just as much as we do.

If you think I strapped

all this sh*t on tonight

so you could be home

to watch Flip or Flop,

you are f***ing dreaming.

You're dreaming.

Dan and Kim. You got four kids,

and from what I can thin slice from

your Christmas letters, they're wangs.

Thank you. Wait, what?

Kelly! Your profile pic is

a low-fat Mexican casserole.

Yeah, it is.

Rob' when was the last time you danced

with the night air hitting your nips?

Guns N' Roses. Citrus Bowl, 1991.

Don't you wanna feel

that carefree again?

Just, like, balls deep in joy?

Yes! Yeah. Where'd them balls go?

What are you doing?

I'm being your hype man.

Great. It's not too late.

The young you still lives inside you.

Just like shingles, y'all.

We used to party in

this house like animals

because we thought we would never die.

I say, tonight, we party like Vikings

because we know we could die tomorrow!

Let's light a boat on fire!

Tonight is my gift to you!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes