Skid Marks Page #7

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You don't want the happy

ending today, mister?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Maybe tomorrow.

Look, Sarge, you're gonna

have to realize that--

You like my new recorder?

What you recorded was just a joke.

Some people call me an old softy.

You know why?

Because from the bottom of my heart,

I believe that it's important

for you and your unit

to have another chance.

Have them at the EMS

lot tomorrow morning.

P*ssy.

Son of a b*tch!

Esta bien, capitan, esta bien.

Why'd you let him in here?!

Guys, I've done all I can for you.

Now it's up to you.

Like it or not, tomorrow at 0800

is a paramedic field test.

What? D-Day.

If you guys don't pass,

the whole unit's done for.

Don't you have to, like, go to school

to pass the paramedic test?

It's a test to qualify for

paramedic school, Meatloaf.

22 hours, soldiers.

( Karl ) What?

I suggest you use it wisely.

22 hours.

No more bullshit.

If any of you fail, I'll

kick a new hole in your ass.

So I'll be drinking alone.

Ah, you work here? Ah, Christ.

A few beers to wash the drugs down?

I may have taken a few

sample packs of Rigid,

but that was it,

and they were sample packs, I promise.

Wasn't our five minutes in the closet

worth anything to you?

12.99.

I was thinking about

going to nursing school

or paramedic school.

I was hoping maybe

you'd be around for that.

Why don't you just

nurse those beers down?

We're done here.

Awesome.

Can I get a pack of regulars too?

I want to propose burnt toast to Sarge.

Screw the test, let's drink the rest!

Ow!

Rich here seems to mess

up test time every time.

I think he does it on purpose.

Could be worse, could be sober.

We need a new leader.

All right, I nominate myself.

You know what? You are a disgrace!

And that is coming

from a fellow disgrace!

( T-Bone )

Man, I'm outta here.

And my bone's outta here,

my dong's outta here...

Wait.

... my joint roller, my steam roller.

Wait!

One-Foot, what do you do

when life gives you an enema?

We heard this speech

before, getting kind of old.

No, no, no, no, no, hear

me out, black sunshine.

This is "A.T.M"

"A.T.M?"

Yeah, "Ass to Mouth."

Actually, I was thinking

of Aldus Manus Torpus--

Aldus

Torpus Man--

Whatever, it's Latin!

And it means, "Family Never Dies"!

And what we got here,

this place, each other...

God, this is A.T.M!

I'm Ass to Mouth?

Yes, Karl!

Let's face it, for Christ's sakes,

we are sloppy seconds,

we are day-old donuts,

we are the skid marks

in life's crotchless panties.

And when someone comes up to you,

and says, "You're a reject,

"you're a freaking loser,

you are an unacceptable human being,"

you say, "No!"

He's right!

We are EMTs!

F***, yeah!

We here today are the one, the only,

we are, my

friends--

Ass to Mouth! Ass to Mouth!

Mouth! Close enough!

Let's f*** these a**holes

and make 'em sleep in the wet spot!

All right, that was a

little bit over the top.

But I like your spirit!

Yes!

A.T.M!

( all chanting )

A.T.M! A.T.M!

A.T.M!

I can't hear you, Lai Mei!

A.T.M! A.T.M!

A.T.M! A.T.M!

A.T.M! A.T.M!

Woo! Yeah! Woo!

Let's go b-beat some DIC!

( record scratching )

I think he meant Neil and Bob.

No, I didn't!

Oh, ah, ow!

Goddammit, Neil. Sorry.

All right, okay.

Neil! What?

What is your problem?

Okay, open the gas door!

Not the gas tank, the gas door!

Open the gas door!

Very-- very good,

okay, all right!

You'll awaken the entire

f***ing neighborhood!

All right!

Okay, here you are! Here!

Ow! Ow!

Neil!

Ow, ow!

Goddammit!

You are like a puppy on crack!

What is your problem?! Calm down!

Switch! Wait, wait, wait.

If we use the DZ gas,

won't it cause them to

have, like, hallucinations?

And maybe internal bleeding?

Yeah, exactly. It could be dangerous!

Exactly! Switch the f***ing tanks!

You still up, man?

What's this?

( Bob on video )

If you wanna be a ninja, now is the time to be a ninja.

Hello, ha!

Where the hell did you get this?

The DIC unit.

( Neil )

I don't mind stealing drugs for Captain Limison,

but I feel bad that that

pretty girl got fired.

Will you shut up?

Is that thing on? No.

Oh!

Then shut up and help me, butthead!

Hey, my friend B.O. needs

some "herpe" medicine.

Do you have any in there?

No! What is wrong with you?

That, my friends, is our golden ticket

to the chocolate factory,

and I'm not talking about

the fudge-packing district.

Turbo-Heat powder.

No-Hair.

Cheers.

No that big, Bob.

Wow, Bob has a little

baby pee-pee, doesn't he?

Little baby pee-pee.

Oh, it's a cute, little baby pee-pee.

Little

baby--

Dude, you just touched

his baby pee-pee. No.

Let's get out of here.

Wait.

I am not satisfied with

this pedestrian thoroughfare.

We gotta take it up a notch.

Rich, that baby pee-pee is gonna burn.

Yes, it will.

Well, then, what else would

you possibly have in mind,

oh great one?

I hope you don't think you're special.

You have 30 seconds.

They'll be here.

Just so you know, I got an "A+" in CPR.

( Karl )

I think we might be in shock!

( all )

I think we might be in shock!

Neil and Bob are sucking cock!

Neil and Bob are sucking cock!

( woman )

Listen up, ladies.

Welcome to the field

portion of the EMS test.

Statistically, most of you

will fail miserably today.

The few who do pass

will have to survive a living hell,

so stay alert

as you're administering

to the victims of a WMD.

Bayside, you're up first.

A.T.M!

Show 'em what the losers can do!

Sir, are you dead yet?

Learn CPR!

I don't think this is oxygen.

Neil, I don't want any of it.

No, look, look, I think it's nitrogen.

Come on, guys, God dammit!

Oh, man, I am an African princess!

Here are my boobies!

( distorted laughing )

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

You're bleeding, wow!

I'm naked for my love.

Neil, put your clothes on!

Why?!

Why?!

I can't believe we failed.

You Dirty Sanchez'd an old lady.

I can't believe the Nazi-twins passed!

They passed by default

because we let them win.

I can't believe they only gave us

24 hours to get out of here.

And you guys thought I

was the f***ing retard!

Look at you losers!

Please, don't get up.

Hey, those EMT a**holes

from the hospital

are getting their acceptance

certificates today.

Oh, and how the hell do

you know that, Roger?

They happened to mention it to me

when they stopped by to give

me a little going away present.

Damn!

Lai Mei, what are

your thoughts on pain?

Constant!

( No-Legs laughing )

I like that!

You look good, Mami!

Damn, she's good. Caliente!

Mamasita, come here!

She look good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger!

Roger, Roger, Roger.

I get a little too happy, you know?

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Good, good.

She caliente.

Yes, caliente.

Caliente, hot! Caliente.

( Rich )

Anybody feel like crashing a party?

Megan, hey, it's Rich.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

don't hang up, don't hang up,

don't hang up.

Wait, look, I need you

to meet me somewhere.

Are we taking the back road there?

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