Sleepwalk with Me Page #5

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Now, what I should

have said was,

"I only have about 11 minutes

of material, tops."

And what I did say was, "Yeah."

So is that Band-Aid

part of the act?

No? You're not

the head wound comic?

It's not your tag?

You know, "I got a head wound,"

after every joke?

Is that you?

No, look, I got to be honest

with you.

She wants me to do a half hour.

I only have, like,

ten minutes of material.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Really? Wow.

You're gonna have to fill out

that time somehow, man.

Do some crowd work.

Talk to the audience.

Make fun of people.

Whenever I make fun of people,

they punch me.

Huh.

Matt, we're bringing you

on now.

Don't do that onstage.

Thanks.

Unless it's your closer.

I was thinking about

Cookie Monster, you know?

And do you think this guy's got

an eating disorder, you know?

Nice shirt, loser.

Sorry.

No, I like it.

It's nice.

Sorry.

Anyway, I was watching

a lot of TV this week.

Is that bit you do

about teenagers really real?

Yeah.

Hey, you did okay, man.

Yeah?

Well, I-you know.

"Okay" is kind of a strong word

but...

You tanked.

I thought it was funny,

but I'm a comic.

I'm sick, so...

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Right.

You just got to keep telling

yourself you're killing,

and it will all

fall into place.

You'll figure it out.

Thanks.

You married or...

Um, no.

L-well, kind of.

L-I don't know.

I have a girlfriend but-

it's serious, you know.

It's just...

You know, it's-we've been

together for a long time...

- You all right, man?

- Yeah, yeah.

It's just, you know-

I'm just-I've decided

I'm not gonna get married

until I'm sure

that nothing else good

can happen in my life.

You should say that onstage.

Yeah.

That wouldn't go over so well

at home.

We're not at home.

Are you married?

Kind of.

Hey, Colleen.

Hey, listen, we got great

feedback on you last night.

Yeah?

Well, no, not really.

But Marc recommended you

for a I

in Philadelphia on the 20th.

Yeah? He liked my act?

Well, no. No.

But he thought it would be...

He thought you'd be great

taking the bullet

for other comedians.

That's great.

The 20th, yeah.

That's great.

Well, cool.

Listen, I'll email you

the details, okay?

I was-l was at the zoo,

and I...

One of-

I was at The National Zoo,

and they have

the panda bear there,

you know, Ling-Ling,

I think, is from China.

And the...

You know, they're having

a hard time

getting the pandas to mate,

you know, the...

trying to get them

to mate with each other.

Next.

. Okay...

I've been having some issues

in my relationship

with my girlfriend lately,

where, like...

I think she wants to get

married, you know?

And I've decided I shouldn't

get married until I'm sure

that nothing else good

can happen in my life.

And, you know,

my girlfriend and I worry

about different things.

You know, one day I said,

"What do you fear most?"

And she said, "I fear

you'll meet someone else"

and you'll leave me

and I'll be all alone."

And she said,

"What do you fear most?"

And I said, "Bears."

Thanks, man.

Yeah. Nice work tonight.

Thanks.

$23? Is that...

I don't want to be a dick,

but I thought it was $50.

That was if we sold out.

That's $360

with a 50-50 house split.

I've got to pay

the headliner $150.

You get the rest.

That's still, like, 30 bucks.

for the chicken fingers.

I'm not paying for those

f***ing chicken fingers.

You should be ashamed

to charge people for those.

All right.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

How'd it go?

It was great.

Like, I met

all these other comics.

I tried out

all this new material.

You would have been

really proud.

Hey, I can't really hear you.

What was the new material?

It was just, like...

it was, like, a lot of stuff.

I'll tell you about it later,

but where are you?

We're-no, we're all at

this bar that Hannah found.

We're playing Drunkerdash.

What's that?

It'syou know, it's just

Balderdash but drunk.

I came up with a really good

definition for codswallop.

What?

Codswallop!

- What?

- See if you can get it.

Here.

A, a rock formation

found only in Iceland,

or, B, a sticky situation.

I knew it.

I knew that.

You didn't know.

Yes, I did.

You should have said it, then.

I was ordering fries.

Are you talking to me?

No. That's just Dave.

You got to meet him.

If you go outside

and I'll go outside,

then maybe we can

hear each other better.

Babe, I-

I really can't hear you.

. Okay...

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, I'll have another one,

you guys.

The thing is, he definitely

does not have a parking...

I actually had a crazy gig once

where these two orthodox Jews

had asked me if I would perform

at, like, their art gallery.

Yeah.

They told me there were gonna

be hundreds of people there.

And then I go, and it's just...

- Is it okay?

- Yeah, yeah, go for it.

It's just their apartment,

and it's just them.

Yeah.

So it wasn't, like, a show.

- No.

- It was like a conversation.

It was more like

a quiet conversation.

I did this one show.

It was in the parking lot

of a Home Depot.

The only people

we're performing for

are, like, the migrant workers

who are just hanging out there.

I'm going up last,

and I'm watching every other

comic just eat it, just tank.

But I'm thinking, like,

I want to get some response

from these people.

Like, I should close strong.

What Spanish do I know?

And I'm like, "I know."

I'll say,

'Long live the immigrant.

And I'm like, "All right,

everybody, this has been fun."

Viva La Migra,"

which is, "Long live

the immigration police."

Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash

with these guys tonight.

And I will be-yeah, I'll be

home in the morning.

All right.

All right, I love you.

Bye.

Hey, man, how you feeling?

I'm good. I'm 00d.

I'm just-I'm stuffed.

You know, that pizza and...

Yeah, me too.

It's good, though. I love it.

- Yeah.

- Helps me sleep.

Yeah.

You know how they have

those neck pillows

that they have on the plane

that people wear?

I think it'd be great

if you had one of those,

but it's made out of pizza,

and so you just sit there

and gnaw on the pizza

and then fall asleep with that.

Yeah, that's

a really good idea.

Yeah, I'm gonna try to do

something with it.

No, hey, by the way, I think

Lynn is diggin' you, man.

' Lynn?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I think you could make out

with her if you wanted to.

Yeah, no, I have a girlfriend.

- You really do?

- Yeah.

So all those jokes

are true or...

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Wow.

Has she heard the jokes?

No.

No, you should

probably mention it.

I wrote a letter to my dad.

I was gonna write,

"I really enjoy being here, "

but I accidentally wrote

"rarely" instead of "really. ".

And I wanted to use it.

I didn't want to cross it out.

"So I wrote, " I rarely drive

steamboats, Dad.

"theres a lot of sh*t

you don't know about me.

Quit trying to act like

I'm a steamboat operator. ".

Why'd you take off your glasses?

Just 'cause if we're really

onna do this,

I don't want to be able

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