Small Time Crooks Page #6

The guy says to him,

"What do you do for a living?"

He says, "I'm a momback."

"What's a momback?"

He says, "I stand behind a truck.

I say, momback, momback."

He stands behind the truck

and goes, "Momback, momback."

He says... I think

it's too fast for her.

"Momback."

He says, "Momback."

I'm afraid I do think

they overpaid for the Picasso.

For me it was unusually mediocre,

don't you think?

- I agree completely.

- Banal.

Excuse me.

I have to find my wife.

I saw a beautiful painting of fruit

at the, uh, Met or the Whitney.

It might have been

the Holocaust.

- Areyou affiliated with any of the museums?

- No, I'm a private dealer.

Oh. We have

one or two paintings,

but I haven't really gotten around

to building a collection yet.

Uh-huh. So what are you interested in?

What's your...

Rembrandt. Picasso.

Michelangelo.

- You know, the boys.

- Yeah, yeah.

I might be out of Michelangelos

at the moment.

But I did recently come into possession

ofan incredible Damon Dexter...

that someone's trying to sell.

I don't think

I'm aware of him.

No. Well, he's new,

you know.

I have to say, your wine

is absolutely delicious. Really.

It was chosen by the same chef

who did the finger bowls.

Haveyou rinsed?

David used to be part owner

of a vineyard, so he's a tough audience.

Did you study art at school?

No, I didn't. I often think

I should have. I studied literature.

Then inevitably wound up

as a stockbroker.

Then I dropped out, went to Japan,

became a Buddhist, blah, blah, blah.

And then, yeah, I did teach art

at Amherst for a bit.

And then the vineyard.

My God, what a life!

And you're still so young.

Yes, well...

Don't let the face fool you.

Somewhere in a closet

there's a portrait of me aging.

In the closet?

Why would it be in...

Oh! How droll.

You hear about

the Polish car pool?

Every day

they'd meet at work.

- I can't believe this room.

- I don't know...

This takes bad taste

to new heights.

This is excruciating.

Can you believe the two

of them? Ican't keep a straight face.

And what she's done

with this apartment?

The sheer flawless vulgarity

of it all!

- She must've been frightened by a leopard.

- Don't knock it.

They plan on being very generous,

and for that we must be thankful.

Really?

And what about the harp?

- Not to mention the way she wears her clothes.

- The definition of bad taste.

Oh, I'd say so.

I never saw so much jewelry.

It makes me sad, Frenchy, that I don't

have to steal anymore. Really.

What's the matter?

You've been quiet all night.

What is bothering you?

What's bothering me is

we got no class.

Speak for yourself.

I was very charming tonight.

I was killin' them

with jokes.

I got a little drunk from the wine,

so I went to sit down in the bar.

Some of them were in there

talking about us.

You should've heard'em.

And they were right.

Stop it! We got more dough

than all of'em put together.

Well, it ain't dough.

It's knowing the finer things.

Like what? Opera?

Like food and wine,

and painting, and books.

Stop it, will ya?

I'm unimpressed.

All my life I've been ignorant.

I could never afford to learn anything.

There was always some emergency,

and I was a good student.

I was a lousy student and I always

hated school. And I don't care about it.

If I could find my school principal

today, now that I got some dough...

...I'd put a contract out on her.

Class is something

you can't fake and you can't buy.

I got more class in my little finger

than they all got combined.

No. We came into a couple of bucks,

but we're phonies.

- We're trying to act like big shots.

- Not me!

Well, me. But it's over.

The time has come to use our dough

to amount to something.

- Like what?

- To change our lives.

I'm too busy to change my life.

Doin' what?

Playing pinball?

I don't wanna wear a tux anymore.

I don't like it.

- I wanna go to Florida and swim.

- I wanna be the real thing!

And you better wise up, 'cause if I grow

and you stay as stupid as you are...

...we're gonna have

big problems, Ray.

- Smarten you up. Is that what you said?

- Yeah.

You said you were a teacher.

You know art, opera, books, wine.

We wanna learn it all,

don't we, Ray?

I'm incredibly flattered

that you'd think I was capable of...

Turning two slugs like us

into classy items?

No homework. I'm not doing any.

I never did homework when I was young.

I'm not doing anything

that's got homework to it.

Naturally, we would make it

very worth your while, David.

No, it's absolutely not about money.

I suppose it's just...

I don't know. I've never been asked

to do anything like this before...

...and I'm not sure

I'd know where to start.

I know I gotta get

a better vocabulary.

Have you ever thought about

enrolling in college?

College?

I didn't go to high school. What

the hell am I gonna go to college for?

That takes four years.

We want a private crash course.

- Lessons in life. Right, Ray?

- Am I crazy?

She's nuts.

Tell her she's nuts.

What? I'm gonna learn

about life suddenly?

I must say, Frenchy,

Ray has a point.

He could probably teach me a lot more

about life than I could ever teach you.

What the hell is he gonna teach you?

I can figure the point spread.

- I know how to count cards at a blackjack

table. - Would you close your bazoo?

- I can count four jacks...

- Close your bazoo!

I don't want to be discouraging because

what you're proposing is admirable.

It's amazing.

The one thing I would like. I would like

to learn how to spell Connecticut.

Don't ask me why.

I never knew how to spell Connecticut.

- Fair enough. Great! You could teach

him that, right? -Yeah.

I heard you telling somebody this

is a very slow period in the art market.

And we would take

very good care of you, right?

Like I say...

...I absolutely don't want

to discourage you.

I suppose I just have to think

about it a bit. I haven't...

If I could envisage a plan,

some kind of starting point...

We could start by building

our art collection.

That way you'd make a few bucks,

and we can learn something.

But no museums.

I'm not goin' to museums.

The pictures...

spook me out.

The virgins...

- What are you laughin' at?

- Spooked by the virgins.

I'm sorry.

Work on the laugh, Frenchy.

So, you can see the difference

between this Tintoretto...

...and the earlier Byzantine

painting we looked at.

What would you say is the most

significant difference?

Me? I would say that

the frame's bigger here.

Mm-hmm.

Well, it is bigger.

But there's also a difference in

the paintings themselves, isn't there?

And it's an important difference

because it characterizes...

...the great technical leap from

the ancient into the modern world.

You remember how those saints

had very flat faces...

...and the background was

on the same plane as the foreground?

- Perspective.

- Right, perspective. That's it.

Let me show you another

very good example of that.

"The frame on this one is bigger"?

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