Smartass Page #6

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the back of a limo.

Come on, Nick, where do

you think I've been?

Hey.

Yeah?

Come on, talk to me.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Okay, I got arrested

and then I got out

and some really f***ed up people

helped me get here

and that's it.

Nothing bad happened to you?

Like?

Freddie, come on.

I'm good, okay?

Really happy to see you.

I'm happy to see Otto and Z.

And...

I'm happy to finally relax.

I'm tired.

I'm really tired.

We don't have

the f***in' keys.

I got this.

- Got a knife?

- Yeah.

Where'd you learn this,

Connecticut?

Nantucket.

Nick, hi.

Guy, do you remember Nick?

Nick's a friend of Daddy's

and a business associate.

Hey, Bird, this is Freddie.

She's an artist.

Nice, I'm a sculptor.

Well, looks like you did

real well with that one.

I did, but I had some help.

Rod, Nick's here!

He's feeling so

much better today.

Aren't you?

Wanna hold him?

Oh, no, not really,

that's not my thing.

Aw, you're a natural.

Nick, good to see ya, buddy.

Hey, man.

Hi, I'm Freddie.

Nice to meet you.

Freddie, I'm Rod,

nice to meet you.

You want a beer?

Yeah, sure.

Come on in.

You light it?

Yeah, yesterday.

I gotta say it

just 'cause I gotta say it.

It's good stuff, man.

This is Angel's money.

I can't have any

sh*t going down.

You're gonna be asking me

for more next week.

Good sh*t, Nick.

You know, there's not a time

in my life I've been happier.

That's awesome, Rod.

Cute kid, homie.

Do anything to

protect our babies,

now wouldn't we, huh?

Who the f*** are you?

Get your hands off

my f***in' kid.

Hey, hey, hey, relax, man.

Just call me the

candy man, homeboy.

You just gotta stand there

and listen, stay calm, homie.

Hey, you just relax, alright?

- Oh, yeah.

- Sh*t.

What's up, motherfuckers?

Shoot him, ese, shoot him now!

See, all I wanted to do

is kill this dumbass.

Get your ass back in the car.

All I want to do was

kill this dumbass ho.

Stay still! And then I got to

thinkin', I said,

"Self, why don't we put Lobo

in his motherfuckin' place,

in a body bag," and then

I'm gonna kill you

like I was gonna

do anyway, right?

Shh. This my favorite part,

this my favorite part,

this is my favorite part.

We make a ton of money,

that's what we call

gettin' paid for

doing what we love.

Right, Beef?

And that's why we

takin' all the money.

Oh, we gonna take all

the motherfuckin' money.

F***ing a**hole!

F***in' kill you!

I'll f***ing kill you!

Man, shoot this b*tch, Beef!

Oh!

Give me my f***ing kid,

you f***ing wetback scum,

before I blow your brains

all over this f***in' place.

Oh, I can taste it.

I can taste it, hey.

Hey, you got the baby wipes?

Oh! Oh! Okay.

Can I ask a question?

Oh, sh*t, man,

it's Helen Keller.

Helen, oh! Oh! Oh!

See, see,

now I can f*** you now!

Can somebody please tell me

what the hell is going on?

Like seriously, how the

f*** do you guys get here?

That ain't none of

your damn business,

little white whore.

Oh, my God.

I'm not a f***ing whore!

Seriously, I have been

arrested, hustled,

jerked off on and sold today,

all with less than

two hours of sleep.

So if you kill me right now,

I would probably feel

so much f***in' better

than I do.

So will someone please

just tell me what the f***

is going on

so if I die right now,

at least I know why?

Hey, man, shoot her, man.

It was for your protection,

it was protection.

It was about buying

protection for the wetback.

Sorry, but right?

Because one of your boys

was killed?

Beef, shoot her ass!

Man, I shot the

last one, alright?

I got brain in

my eye right now.

Oh, but that's right, isn't it?

- F*** it.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Not happening, fat boy.

Oh, my God, please don't

f***ing shoot each other.

Please, please!

Just tell me how much money

you're fighting over.

Shut up, Freddie!

No, tell me how much money!

Freddie, shut the f*** up.

If it's less than $300,000,

you all need to f***in'

stop shushing me and hear me out

'cause I've got a story to tell.

I'm listening.

Hi, Mickey!

Oh, it's good to see you.

Ya know, I was gonna say sorry

for being late on my

first day of work,

but then I thought,

huh, I clocked in

hours ago, didn't I?

So, uh, no sorries for you.

How the hell did you

know where I lived?

Good trick knows

everything about her pimp.

But I'm not mad, so, um,

why don't you invite me in

and I'll tell you

everything that happened.

Who is it, babe?

Hi, I'm Mickey's sister.

He doesn't really talk about

our side of the family much

'cause he's embarrassed.

It's 'cause Mom's

a stripper, isn't it?

Same old dirty Daddy though.

Frank had other kids?

No, she's lying.

True.

He actually drugged me

and sold me

just this morning to a

real ugly fella for $200.

That sounds more like

the Mickey you know,

doesn't it?

So what do you want?

Oh, Mickey.

It's not me that wants it.

Boom, boom, boom.

It's them.

Oh, that was good.

Admit it, that was so good.

Oh, and they're like totally

gonna rob you right now.

Yeah.

And how did I know

where you lived?

I looked in your

glove box, a**hole.

You gotta be f***ing

kidding me right now.

Shut the f*** up.

Sh*t.

Let f***ing go of me,

you piece of sh*t.

Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't

like to be talked to like that.

F*** this little kid, Mickey!

Do something!

What exactly do you want me

to f***ing do right now?

Something, damn it!

Stop f***ing smelling me.

Oh, sh*t, you b*tch.

You broke my f***ing nose!

Handle your business, Beef.

Shoot this b*tch.

Yeah, she broke it.

She broke my nose.

So, are you gonna tell us

where the money is

or do we have to find it?

You think I'm f***ing

scared of you b*tches?

Coming into my f***in' house,

let's go, come on.

Let's go.

Whoa, okay!

You must be stupid or you

just wanna f***in' die.

Get this dumb motherf***er

out my face.

Shut the hell up, man, yo,

get the stuff, man, let's go.

Ain't no beef in the house,

man, let's go, sit down!

Sit down.

Get that f***ing gun

outta my face.

Mickey's getting robbed.

Mickey's getting robbed.

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey.

Isn't this fun?

I'm gonna find you and

you're gonna pay for this.

You little f***ing c*nt.

Oh, oh.

Little c*nt?

- Really?

- Yeah.

Ya know, you should

be a nicer hostess.

Your guests might turn on you

with this attitude.

You f***in' b*tch.

- Hi, guys!

- F***in' b*tch.

Come on, come on.

Oh, the American dream, baby.

You over here beatin' up Barbie.

Oh, man, oh, yes.

Did I do good?

Oh, you did, Helen!

Oh, you did good.

Call Efe now, let's

take care of this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa,

I can't let you

do that, homeboy.

Nah, nah, nah, we making

this call, man, alright?

And you gonna get that gun

outta my motherfuckin'

face, homeboy.

Hey, put the phone down.

Hey, shut the f*** up, man,

we makin' a deal, homie.

Look, that wasn't the

part of the f***in' deal.

It's part of the

f***in' deal, alright?

- No, it ain't.

- Yes, it is.

No, it wasn't!

What you gonna do, huh?

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