Smokey and the Bandit II Page #7

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Thank you.

Folks, I'd like for you all to know...

that we have an honest-to-goodness

celebrity with us here tonight.

Some folks might hate him...

but I know there's a bunch of us that

really love him.

You all welcome

the world's biggest show-off, the Bandit.

I think I know how you feel

about things, Bandit.

I'd like to dedicate my new song

to both of you all.

Be my love, be my friend

Help me grow, help me bend

Understand, now and then

When I do wrong

It's for you that I try

- What are you doing?

- I was writing a little poem about you.

- Can I see?

- I'll show it to you.

Okay.

High on a hill

standing alone

I'll tell the world everything I've done

Raise my hand, testify

My love is real

The doc said we gotta take

the weight off Charlotte's legs.

So, I figured out if I built this net

and took the weight off her legs...

that we could just tool on

down the road to Dallas.

Fine.

So be my love, be my friend

Help me grow, help me bend

Hey.

- Where you going?

- New York.

- Why?

- Because you're not there.

What's the matter with you?

You punch your friend, yell at the doctor

who looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy...

play hootchy-koo with me, and all the time

you're trying to make this run work.

I'm not trying to figure it out.

I figured out how to make it work.

- And I'm gonna make this run work!

- That is it for you!

You have had it! You're hooked.

You're a fame junkie.

They should give you

intravenous feedings...

of People magazine

and National Enquirer headlines.

And if you're a real good boy,

they'll give you a Tonight Show enema.

What is the matter?

If you weren't so dumb,

they'd put you on Cross-Wits.

What is the matter with you?

You know what?

When I first met you,

I think you really liked yourself.

I liked you.

And you did what you did best.

- What, show off?

- Yeah. You did it so good, you got famous.

Then you had to do more and more until

you were doing what you didn't do best.

And now I don't think

you even have any fun.

I'm not having any fun right now.

Neither am I.

I hope you like yourself someday.

Good-bye.

You know, Charlotte...

I don't wanna see you get hurt.

I don't wanna see you start drinking either.

It's not a good thing to do.

I'm weak. I admit it.

I'm a weak person. I need other people.

Don't turn your back on me.

I need you.

I need somebody to care about me.

Not that much.

Look, I came up with this thing.

You think this was a good idea?

Look. I got your legs up

off the floor and everything.

- What do you say, guys?

- Bo, you're drunk.

- Is it gonna work, Doc?

- Yes, Lone Ranger, it'll work.

- Good thinking.

- Thanks, Kemo Sabe.

- Okay, let's get rolling.

- Come on. I help you down.

Okay.

- What about the bottle, Bo?

- What about it?

Daddy, I can't wait to meet Uncle Gaylord

and Uncle Reggie.

Bandit, I hate to upset

your stomach by mentioning this name...

but do you realize it's been

a few miles since we've seen Buford T. ?

I don't miss him.

That's nice.

Where the hell are they?

They should be here by now.

Hello, Buford, you old sugar.

Is that you, Gaylord?

You bet your little bellybutton

it is.

- Did you bring the troops with you?

- I sure did.

Well, that's fine.

Now, where the hell is Reggie?

I think I hear him coming now.

Sergeant Reginald Van Justice

reporting for duty.

Well, ain't that nice?

But have you got the men with you?

They're in position and stand at the ready.

Say, you know something?

This is the first time in 20 years

we've all been together.

- Why don't we all take a picture?

- That's a good idea.

Junior, get the camera

out of the car.

Come on, P.T.

Everybody ready?

- Say cheese, Ramona.

- Let's go.

That's it.

All right, men! Let's mount up and cut out!

Son, if we keep humping

all night, we'll be in Dallas by morning.

We're finally in Texas.

Hey, Bandit, we got you-know-who

on my backdoor one more time.

Say, Bandit, if you make

a left turn on this next dirt road...

then your ass is gonna be grass,

and I'm gonna mow it.

You ought to put some Preparation H

on your lips, Buford...

cause you're talking out of

your you-know-what.

This is the left, Bandit. Now,

are you gonna take that challenge or not?

Come on, fat boy.

Snowman, keep on hoofing it

down the road.

Buford thinks he's suckering me

into something, but it ain't gonna happen.

We're both going out into this desert,

but only one of us is coming back.

You hear that, Buford?

Are you ready, Gaylord?

We are ready with charge akimbo.

Are you ready, Reggie?

We are prepared for combat.

And are you ready, Bandit?

I was born ready, lard ass.

Just take a little look up to your right.

Now, take a little look up

to your left.

Now, take a look behind you.

I'm about to crush your walnuts.

I'm about to get my walnuts outta here.

Let's roll them.

Snowman, I got me some serious

trouble here, son!

And I ain't kidding this time.

I got wall-to-wall County Mounties

and Mountie Mounties.

Maybe a hundred of them.

This may be more than I can handle.

Listen to me, and you listen good.

Make the delivery.

You just hang on. We'll be there in a minute.

Do as I say. Deliver them goddamn goods.

I'll catch up with you later.

You know what you're talking about.

But just in case you don't,

Snowman's gonna be standing by. Roger.

Come on, Trigger! Don't let me down now.

Buford, I hope you got group insurance...

'cause I'm about to spread some iron

all over this goddamn desert.

Don't worry about that.

I got my whole ass in good hands.

King Kong ain't got hands that big.

Snowman, you damn fool!

I told you to haul ass and get outta here!

And I told you that when we set out

to do a job together...

we do it together. Roger.

I don't care about your skinny little ass,

but what about Charlotte?

Don't worry about her.

They got a ringside seat.

Tell me,

how many trucks do you see?

I see one, unless I've been drinking.

Hey, boys! Do it to it!

Then I must be commode-hanging drunk...

'cause I swear I see a ton of trucks.

- Hey, Daddy, what's that?

- Holy sh*t!

Welcome to the world's

biggest game of chicken, boys.

Sh*t.

Hang on, boys! The army's coming!

This is the Plowboy.

I got me one lined up!

Excuse me, sir. Your ass is on fire.

Bet you'll be glad to get back to Canada

and stick it in the snow.

Not bad driving

for a couple of Mounties!

Yeah, but look up ahead!

- Seminole, you got your ears on?

- I copy.

I want you to dump that boy

in the garbage.

That's exactly

what I had in mind, Bandit.

- Hey, Roadrunner, you hungry?

- Why do you ask?

Just move towards me.

We'll have us a Mountie sandwich.

Brake for that, short boy!

You're too old to play in the hay!

Now that we've got them,

what will we do with them?

Hell, there's a

parking lot right here!

Three out of four ain't bad.

Where you taking them?

- How about the dump?

- Good thinking.

Junior, the way things look...

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