Social Animals Page #3

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What's up?

I'm just scaring people away.

Nobody gets the double entendre.

Oh, you just said "double

entendre" and now I am worried.

Just pour yourself a

vodka soda and know that

if you build it, they'll come.

They should.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Nice double entendre.

Thank you.

You doing okay?

You look a little...

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm really... really good.

Yeah. - Why, do I not

look okay? - No, you look hot.

Double entendre.

What are you doing right now?

Oh, you know, I'm...

Just probably gonna jump

off a bridge or something.

Yeah, you gotta get

outta politics, it's killing you.

Come on.

Can I buy you a drink?

Um, nope, I have

a drink already.

What is your name?

Are we allowed to do names?

I thought we weren't doing names.

You can make

one up, if you'd like.

Oh, okay. Um...

Great, I didn't really give

that any advanced thought.

Um, Allison.

No, I hate Allison,

she is a total...

Melania.

That is also equally vile.

Um...

Lola?

That's cute... no, that's

trying too hard, isn't it?

Nice to meet you, Lola.

Wow, you're really getting

into that hand, aren't you?

No, no, no.

Uh, sorry, I'm just not into...

Public displays of affection.

So, how do we...

how do we do this?

You tell me what you like.

Okay. Um...

Well, I like C-SPAN,

I like to workout,

I like watching people hoard on TV.

- Okay, how "about I figure this out?"

Um...

You don't...

You don't have any

cold sores, do you?

No.

Okay.

It's just that like, 85% of

the population has herpes.

So it's a valid question.

Um, I would really prefer

not to take off my clothes.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I've never been

with anyone besides my husband.

I just thought I might

take you to a movie,

if that's all right.

What do you think?

Wow, did you set

this all up yourself?

Yeah, I'm not so

great at sleeping.

So I just come up

here and hang out.

It's like I have my

own personal drive-in.

Yeah, at night I stay

up making mixed CDs.

I mean, I guess they're

called playlists now, but...

Dude, you do

realize that mixed CDs

are like a lost art form, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, every girl I

liked in high school

would get these,

like, heart-wrenching,

80s hair band,

power ballad mixes.

Oh, no, Paul, you're a

hair band guy? - Sorry, yes.

That is both very lame

and kinda, sorta awesome.

Thank you.

Wow, I sleep up here

more than I care to admit.

Can I ask you something?

Whoo, I hate questions

that start with that. But, sure.

Why were you alone in

your car at the wedding?

You know, when I...

Got high and lit

yourself on fire?

Okay, we don't

need a play-by-play.

I was, you know...

I was giving my

wife some space.

Pretty sure she can't

stand to be around me.

We're hardly ever having sex.

And when we do,

it takes way too long.

It's kinda like that wedding

scene in The Deer Hunter.

My every day is like the

wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.

I started listening to 7 Habits

of Highly Effective People

on audio tape and it turns

out, I have none of them.

Yeah, it took Jane's

parents bailing me out

for, like, the hundredth time

before I came to that conclusion.

Well, my parents have

been dead for 13 years.

So I can't exactly

bother them for cash.

They didn't leave you some

huge trust fund or anything?

A trust fund?

Really? - I... I don't know.

No, my parents were basically

like the Bonnie and

Clyde of tax evasion.

They opened up a bunch

of credit cards in my name,

left me with all this debt.

So yeah, they raised me, but

then somebody else sent me the bill.

Well, how'd you then

open up a business

and land on your feet?

- I worked a ton of jobs,

I served a thousand

beers at Beer Land,

worked the door at Mohawk,

temped, parked cars at a rodeo.

I actually was the

cashier at the salon

and then they were closing down

and I got my license,

took over the lease,

paid for itself for a while.

What?

I just... I find

you fascinating.

That's a word.

That is the F-word.

It must be

horrible to lose this.

Yeah.

It'll probably be a condo

by the end of the month.

You ready?

- Yeah.

Hi.

No.

Zoe? - Yeah?

- Zoe! - Oh, hi!

Hi, I'm so happy you came!

Of course.

I have something for you.

For me?

- Look!

Oh, great! Do you

want to feel him kick?

No.

- Come on.

It is a joy. - No.

- To feel him kick, I must say.

No, no, I do not.

No?

- I do not...

want to feel the kick.

Fine, maybe we can put

your present over here

along with the

non-registry gifts.

It's okay, all the

single people bring baskets.

Oh, Zoe! - Hi! - Brought

you a juice. - Oh, thank you.

Where's the bar?

Oh, there's a

juice bar over there

and an oxygen bar in the back.

I don't wanna take

too much because I have

a roller derby match

tonight, and it's my first one.

I'm trying to come

up with a name.

I was like, the

Penetrator, you know.

Or like, Nipple Clamper.

- Oh, no, I don't like that one.

I want something aggressive.

So there's no alcohol?

No alcohol?

No, Zoe, it's 11:30

in the morning.

Well, it's past 10:00,

you know, all bets are off.

You ever had a

carbon monoxide shot?

You should go in the

garage and turn the car on.

What? - Yeah, all

the kids are doing it,

don't stay in there too

long 'cause you could die.

But just turn the car

on for like, 30 seconds.

It's the same effect as alcohol.

Anyway, this is a

great party. I love kids.

All right, we'll see

you at the oxygen bar.

I'll see you at the...

I actually will just breathe the

air that's right here, thank you.

Don't judge me, little kids.

Well, hello, friend.

- Hello.

Somebody that I know,

that is older than five.

Hi!

- Hi.

So what were you up to before this

horrific shoot-myself-in-the-face baby shower?

Ah, I was doing

very exciting things.

I was blowing up balloons,

I was unstacking chairs.

Hard labor, basically.

- Sounds like a blast.

You have kids?

- Nah.

Oh. - Do I look like

I have kids? - No. - Okay.

Guess what?

- Hmm?

Your son is biting party guests.

Our son thinks he's a dog.

- It's a phase. It's a phase.

Be right back.

- Thank you.

It's actually a totally

normal, developmental stage.

Oh, sure, yeah.

- It actually means

he has an above-average

imagination.

So, maybe he'll be an artist.

I hope not.

Well, I bark at

like half my dates.

So, I totally understand.

Yeah, don't have kids,

that's my tip for you.

Way ahead of you.

God, I hate myself.

Hello.

What's y'all' s nameses?

I see how this is going.

You know the first boy that

ever broke my heart had red hair.

He ended up cutting off a lock

of his hair and mailing it to me.

I still have it in this

trunk at my house.

I wonder what he's doing?

Do you guys have Facebook?

So which one of you do you

think will lose your virginity first?

It's a fair question.

June, Cam...

Sorry, Cameron,

June, this is Zoe.

Zoe, these are my girls.

You have three kids.

That I do, Zoe.

That I do.

What's your

name again? - Sam.

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