Social Animals Page #5

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You only watch Working girl

when you're feeling defeated.

You wanna hang out for

a bit? Watch Working girl?

I can't. I don't have time.

Yeah.

Thanks for the keys.

See you at home.

- Yeah, see you at home.

Hello.

- Hello.

What are you doing?

I am tracing my own hand.

Okay, well, a few of us are

going to a bar down the street

if you would like to join us.

And by a few of us I

mean, there is no us,

it's just me, alone.

But there will be

people in the background.

So, it should be fun.

I would, and thanks for

the invitation but I'm sober.

Oh, perfect, I'm an enabler.

So, this is great.

Rain check?

- Aw, come on.

It'll be fun. Right?

Question mark, exclamation point.

Another exclamation

point, dot, dot, dot, dot...

Okay, I'll go if you stop

doing that. - Deal. Period.

So are you sober

or are you an alcoholic?

Well, I'm definitely sober.

Not sure if I'm an alcoholic.

But my wife is sure.

Cool.

- Yeah.

So how bad of an

alcoholic are we talking?

Do you, like, chug Listerine?

Do you keep gasoline

underneath your bed?

No, I was, like, old-school.

I just drank all the human stuff.

But, like... like a lot of it.

I like a man who can commit

to something. - Mmm-hmm.

Does this mean you

got like an intervention?

Did people come and

read you letters and cry?

No, but that sounds amazing

and I would've loved one.

What happened to

me was I got into

into a really

awesome car accident.

Cool.

- Yeah.

You didn't hit anybody, did you?

I did, a parking meter.

He didn't make it.

Oh, no.

- It was fine.

He was kind of a

jerk parking meter.

No, Jane, uh... Jane

gave me a choice.

Her or Scotch.

And I chose her.

Well, I choose Scotch.

And beer, and anything else

I can get my mouth around.

I did not say... I

didn't mean it like that.

It doesn't bother you if I

drink in front of you, does it?

No, no, no, other people drinking doesn't

bother me as much as, you know, me not.

Which still annoys me.

Well, you seem to be handling

yourself quite nicely, you know?

Something right there.

Ow! Sorry.

F***!

I'm gonna worry

about this later.

So that happened.

- Yep.

I'm in your bed.

Your joint bed.

You are married, you have a

wife. You know, your wife, Jane.

Where is Jane?

She's gone for the

night with the kids.

Oh, my God.

Jane told me I

could have an affair.

So, I'm the affair?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Oh, my God.

Is that why you've

been hanging out with me?

Was so you could bait me?

So you could sleep with me?

So I can be your... - Zoe, Zoe.

I like you.

You have no idea

how much I like you.

Oh, my God.

We're bad people.

- No.

We're good people.

We're just failing

at it right now.

Just...

I mean, we take the

same antidepressants.

I mean, that should

count for something.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Listen, my life is, like,

super complicated right now.

I have no idea what's

happening with my marriage.

But my kids, I mean,

they're everything.

They're the only thing I've

ever done right in my whole life.

Come here, come on.

We'll figure it out.

Everything's gonna be okay.

For somebody.

It was too low.

I knew this would happen.

Let me do it. It

was my fault. - I have it.

Leave it. Leave it!

I got it. I got it.

Leave it!

- I'll do it!

Hi.

Jane, hi.

I didn't even know

you worked here.

You didn't?

No, Laser Town is packed.

I just came over for a...

For a wax.

Oh, great.

What were you thinking of doing?

Brazilian?

- Cool, I do that.

I do that.

- Okay.

Unless, of course, you

wouldn't feel comfortable with...

Oh, no, you're a professional.

So, I... I am

completely comfortable.

Great, why don't

you just go back there,

make yourself

comfortable and I'll be right in.

Okay.

All right, Jane, if you could

spread your legs in a frog-like position.

Like... like this?

Excellent, thanks.

So how have you been doing?

Good.

I heard you went by the store.

Yes, I did. I've

gone by the store.

You know, I go by...

I go by all those stores.

Yeah, Paul's having a

really hard time letting go of it.

Sorry.

All right, now you can go

ahead and pull your legs back

as far as you

can, excellent, yes.

You ever been married?

No, no, not yet.

You heard Lana and Peter

are already having trouble, right?

No, I had not heard that.

All right, Jane, you can go ahead

and lie down on your side, this direction.

Yeah, apparently he's

been cheating on her.

Oh, you know, I...

You know, I guess that's

something that people do.

All right, Jane, now

this is something fun,

I never thought I

would be asking you to do.

But could you spread

your right butt cheek?

Excellent.

Wait, is it the wax?

No, I'm just

having a panic attack.

Oh, I have those all the time,

it's a repetitive sound disorder.

Maybe that's...

Is it the sound?

No, it's fine, I'm breathing.

This is breathing and

it means I'm not dying.

Okay, are you sure? Can I

get you something, some water?

No. - A Xanax? It'll help

the water go down easier.

No, it's just something

that happens lately.

I spontaneously start crying.

It's like I have a

disease or something.

No, you're okay.

How do you know that?

I guess it's just

something that people say.

But I'm sure it's

true occasionally.

Zoe?

- Yeah?

Can you just finish waxing

my a**hole so I can go?

Of course.

Mazel Tov.

I just want to say thank

you to everybody for coming.

This is has been the

most successful bris.

Well, that's subjective.

Thank you for having us.

It's been lovely.

Are you gonna get him?

No, no. We are practicing

the "Cry It Out" method.

So, it is agony.

But it is better for

him in the long run.

Oh, actually they've

just proven that

lack of emotional

support when you're young

can have a real

damaging effect later in life.

So, it's all over the blogs.

Our son eats off the floor.

No, really, he chews bones

and the other day we found

him drinking water out of the toilet.

So, anything that Jane says about

parenting you should, you know, do the opposite.

This flatware is lovely.

Thank you. Yeah.

You know, I actually from...

Because you're father

of the f***ing year, right?

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry

that I make all the money

and I take care

of our three kids

and I have my parents

bail us out of bankruptcy.

You're right, I'm just a

terrible mom and a terrible wife.

I paid for that money, Jane.

Trust me, I f***ing paid for it.

How's that wine treating you,

sweetie? - It's delicious, thanks.

Would you pass the...

- Hey, look, everyone.

Now it's all out in the open.

Look, everybody,

Jane is a smoker.

See, now everybody

knows and nobody cares.

You're right I'm a terrible,

terrible human being,

because sometimes

I have a cigarette.

Right. Ok.

Uh...

There, you win!

Okay? You win!

If winning mean losing

your job, getting a DUI,

and bringing nothing

to the table sexually.

I mean, you think I

just wanna roll over

and get f***ed the exact

same way for the rest of my life?

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