Some Freaks Page #5

could see a figure.

- Thank you.

You could what?

- What is this?

- Hmm?

- When did you order these?

- While you were

in the restroom.

- I told you I

didn't want dessert.

- Yeah, I know, I just thought

I haven't seen you in a while,

so I thought we

should celebrate.

- Right, but I told

you I didn't want any.

- Oh come on, just have

some ice cream with me.

- I'm good.

- I'm paying.

- I'm good.

- You know that's all I could

think about on the

plane down here?

- What, taking a

baseball bat to the

tiny shred of willpower

I've developed?

- No, just buying

you meals and stuff.

'Cause you always did

the buying before.

- My parents did the buying,

it was their credit card.

- Well I finally

saved up some money

and I've been working

like you wouldn't believe.

I just thought it would be nice

to take you out for a meal and...

- Hey, you can pay

for the dinner.

- A salad?

What is that, come

on, that's not a meal.

- It had chicken on

it, that's protein.

That makes it a meal.

- Wow, you actually

just said that.

- What is so horrible

about having a salad?

- Nothing, it's fine.

You know what, don't

eat it, I don't care.

Watch it melt.

- Jill.

- Hi.

- Hi.

How are you?

- Pretty good.

- Yeah, I'd say pretty good.

- Thank you.

Thanks.

- You look great.

- Thank you.

- You look really good.

- Carl, this is

my boyfriend Matt.

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- Nice to meet you.

- So wow, wow.

- Yeah.

- We should get together.

Get some coffee or...

Something.

- Possibly, yeah.

- You got my number?

- I must.

- I want you to call me.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Wow, you look great.

- Thank you, thanks,

I appreciate that.

- Yeah, okay.

Nice to meet you, Mark.

- It's good.

Good ice cream.

Happy?

Oh my God, I cannot

believe that she

looks like that.

I know, I really...

- Guys, I'm just

saying her ass is

the size of Texas.

- Well it's the size.

I'm doing this thing where I eat

cheese and have

a piece of salad.

Then I run...

- I just wanna

burn the calories,

I don't wanna do it,

I don't wanna do it.

Okay, okay, hold on.

So what did he say when

you found the condoms,

or I should say the

dearth of condoms?

They broke up for three

days and when they got

back together, four

of them were missing.

- Woof.

- He said he likes

to jerk off into them.

Please tell me you did

not f*** him after

you got back together.

- I mean I saw him and things...

- All right, look, we're going

to a party ad Bel Air's tonight.

Join us, we'll find you a guy.

- Ben says he

thinks we can make this work.

- F***

that Psion-driving douche.

You're young and

hot, what the f***

do you wanna be tied

down to a guy for?

This is college.

- I know, I just...

- All right,

you think you love this guy?

Okay, let's say

he's being honest,

let's say he's turned

over a new leaf and

you guys find a way to

make it work or whatever.

Ask yourself this one question.

Do you really wanna

go the rest of your

life wondering if you

could've done better?

- Hey.

- What's this?

You made dinner?

- Yeah.

It's a special recipe I

picked up at the restaurant.

I figured it's our

last night here,

and we've been eating

out all week, so...

- Uh-huh, and what's in it?

You know I've been...

- Well it's gluten

free and dairy free.

It's all appropriate.

- All right.

Let me just take out the trash.

I got it.

- I can get it.

- You made dinner, I'll

take out the trash.

- Jill, come on,

just let me do it.

Really, let me do it.

- No, it's a habit.

Can you not?

- It's the least

I can do, come on.

- Dairy free huh?

- Here, just let me...

- What part of "I'm on a

diet" do you not understand?

Okay, seriously

dude, heavy cream?

Are you kidding me?

- Those are the

ingredients, that's what

goes into it, it's

not a big deal.

- Oh really?

- It's no big deal.

- No big deal, huh?

Okay, do you realize this is one

of the hardest things

I've ever done?

Do you even realize how...

- Oh my God, you run around in

circles once a day,

how hard can that be?

- What?

- Hold on, just,

here, just taste it.

Here, just try it, just try it.

Just have a taste.

- Oh my God, no.

- Please, then we'll talk.

- Just try it, just taste it!

- F*** you!

Seriously!

- F***ing eat it, eat it!

- Jill, hey Jill!

Jill!

Jill!

Jill, Jill, listen!

- Get out of here, go!

- Please just tell me

what you want, Jill!

- What I want?

You want me to tell

you what I want?

I want you to get

your ass on a f***ing

plane and go back to

Rhode Island and never

f***ing talk to me again,

that's what I want!

- You know, you'll

never be one of them.

- What?

- You know that right?

Even if you wanted to be.

Even if they want you

to be, which they don't.

- Said the guy

with the glass eye!

Oh, my bad, sorry,

"plastic acrylic".

- Hey f*** you!

- You know what, actually, stop

me if you've heard this one.

Some b*tch walks up

Winston Churchill at a

party and says Mr.

Churchill, you're drunk.

To which Churchill replies

yes, but in the morning

I'll be sober and

you'll still be ugly.

I keep doing what I'm doing,

and eventually I'll be thin.

And at the end of the day,

you'll still be deformed.

It's a great word, isn't it?

Deformed?

Such a you word.

You know, you'll also

still be an idiot

by the way, I mean wow,

great plan, Patton!

One fatty meal, 50 pounds

is gonna leap back on me, wow!

- You lied to me.

- I didn't lie to you, I just

didn't tell you about it.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

- That's a lie, that's,

what's the word,

equivocating, which is basically

exactly the same thing!

- Actually no, it's not

because this doesn't

negatively impact you

in any way, okay?

Tell me what's wrong

with what I'm doing.

- 'Cause you're a

f***ing fatass, okay?

And I like that about you.

I like that the only

guys I'm competing

against are elderly

degenerates and

guys that sickens me

to think of you with,

but the rest of

the world wouldn't

touch with a 10

foot pole, and you

shouldn't be able to change all

that without f***ing telling me!

- You have a beautiful day.

- F***!

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I'm just looking

for a jump rope.

- They're over there.

- Oh, thanks.

Hey, don't I know you?

I mean were you a student

at Benjamin Frank High?

A transfer student or whatever?

- Yeah, I was.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I helped you with

your books that one time.

You dropped them.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

- After your friends knocked

them out of my hands?

- So you like working

out down here?

- It's all right.

- Yeah.

I mean it can get pretty busy

upstairs sometimes, you know.

I've had to wait 10

minutes to get on

a treadmill before,

it's crazy right?

- If you say so.

- Hey, look, I don't know

what your plans are tonight.

Me and some buddies

were thinking of

throwing a little party

over the frat house.

I don't know what you

got going on, but I

was thinking that maybe

you'd like to join us.

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