Son in Law Page #3

You see that, huh ?

You see what happens ? The ink soaks...

in the system and the guy's freaked out.

Look at him ! What are you, you freak ?

- That's a good point.

- So ?

You pick it, l stick it.

? ln a perfect world ?

- ? lt would never end like this ??

- Hey, that is enough.

- Oh, l'm sorry.

- God !

You didn't like it ?

So what about yours ?

What's your family like ?

Sadie's a pit boss in Vegas.

She's on her fourth marriage.

- Fourth ? My God.

- To Frank.

Frank sells plastic catheters, bedpans,

stuff to hospitals.

You'll probably see some of his work

wash up here onshore from time to time.

- Really, you will.

- [ Rebecca Laughs ]

Wow ! She is fantastic !

- Let me see her.

- Hey, hey, hey. Oh, oh ! Touch me !

Touch me. Hey, over here !

Somethin' just came up !

She's a hottie.

That's the kind of girl

l'm gonna marry, Rebecca. l promise.

-Oh, you could do much better than that.

-Better than that ?

Well, l never seen

no one better than her.

- Oh, my God.

- No one likes me like her ever.

Look at that guy.

What happened to him ?

- Steroids.

- His cones are bigger than mine.

Becca... Travis.

What ? l'm just looking.

[ Announcer ] Hollywood's got her

set up for the body slam and, oh !

That's gotta hurt, boys.

Lightning comes back with

a shoulder hook for the escape.

Whoo ! Get her for big daddy now.

Come on, for big daddy, big daddy.

[ lndistinct Yelling ]

Yeah !

[ Laughing ]

- Those are my kind of girls !

- Let's just go. Let's just--

Fake cones,

Lee Press-Ons, hair extensions.

That's the girl l'm gonna marry.

[ Announcer ] Let's hear some noise

for Hollywood and Lightning,

with Hollywood taking that one

in three falls, gentlemen.

- Three falls. Hollywood and Lightning.

- Here. Resident advisor.

[ Announcer ] All right, sports fans,

are you ready to rumble ?

We've got a challenge match

this evening.

- And in the far corner,

the resident advisor !

- Crawl.

- Let's hear it for Crawl !

- That's me ! Oh!

That's me ! That's me !

And his worthy opponent,

the queen of the ring,

a ton of fun,

the brawlin' bunny, Thumper !

Aha ! Yeah !

- l hope the resident advisor

hasn't been ditching P.E.

- Aah !

Thumper's got him

up in a full helicopter.

He's twirlin', he's twirlin' !

Oh ! And down he goes

with a body slam, boys !

Oh, geez !

Get away ! Help !

Get away !

Get him ! Get him ! Kill him !

Oh ! Oh, God ! Ow !

[ Laughing ]

Get him !

Come on ! Ow !

Get me away from here !

Whoo ! Thumper !

Help !

- [ Coughing ]

- Still undefeated.

Our ton of fun,

the brawling bunny,

- the reigning champion, Thumper !

- You--

By the way, boys,

she's also available for weddings.

[ lndistinct Chatter ]

[ Telephone Ringing ]

- Well, l'm outta here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Oh, see ya in a week.

- Becca, telephone.

- Communal living.

[ Girl ]

Okay, thanks for the scarf !

- You got her.

- [ Travis ] Hey.

- Hi, who is this ?

- lt's Travis, your boyfriend.

- Bye.

- Hi. Sorry.

What is it with those people ?

- Oh, everyone's just

gettin' ready to go home.

- Bye-bye.

- Um, so l guess l'll see you

tomorrow, though, huh ?

- Yeah, yeah.

l'm coming to the airport

with your family. Can't wait to see ya.

- Got a lot to talk about.

- Oh, yeah ?

- Yeah, but you're gonna have

to wait until tomorrow.

- Hey, Becca !

- Steven Tyler P.J.s !

Steven Tyler P.J.s !

- Rebecca ? Rebecca ?

- That's great, Crawl.

- Rebecca, are you listening ?

Yeah, l am. l'm sorry.

lt's just really hard to talk right now.

- Um, but, okay,

so l'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah. Hey... l love you.

- Yeah, me too. Bye.

- [ Dial Tone ]

''Veal parmesan

sliced beef...''

- and, ah !

- l thought you were leaving for Vegas.

Nope, fell through. l'm gonna stay here

and munch solo, though.

- By yourself ?

- lt's cool 'cause, look, Hungryman.

They came out

with a new Pilgrim Platter.

l'm all over it.

lt creates the mean loaf.

? How do you please a hungry man ??

Sing it, Rebecca !

- l'm gonna go finish packing.

- Okay, well, take care.

- No, l'll see you before l leave.

- Okay, bye.

''Hungryman satisfies your appetite

with 50/ more meat.

For hearty appetites and your enjoyment,

we offer a hungry--

- [ Microwave Beeps ]

- What are you-- Hey.

l have a better idea.

Hold up the sign

so she can see it.

- Zack !

- Bonk !

Oow ! What's up, buddies ?

Ha ! Guys !

- ls that her ? ls that--

- Huh ?

- [ Connie ] lt is her. Oh, no.

- Check it.

- Goddamn.

- [ Rebecca ] Weasel wear.

Connie. Walter.

[ Laughs ] Sorry.

- What's up, bro ?

- Excuse me ?

Thanks for the sign.

Travis. lt's good to see you.

- Fine. How are you ?

- Happening.

- [ Connie ]

Uh, where's your friend, dear ?

- Oh, he was right--

- [ Everyone ] He ?

- And... cut !

Guys, this is Crawl.

Warners. The family l never had.

Huh ! [ Laughing ]

Crawl, this is my family.

- You must be Zack. Becca told me

about those puffy cheekies !

- Ow ! Mom !

But she never said

she had a younger sister.

Huh ! We're old friends, 'member ?

You'll be happy to know,

though, right after you bailed,

l popped your daughter's trunk.

Oh, sh*t.

- [ Laughing ]

- [ Crawl ] North Dakota, South Dakota,

East Dakota, West Dakota.

Yeah ! Come on,

come on, come on !

? Green Acres is the place to be ?

? Farm livin' is the life for me ?

? Land spreadin' out so far and wide ?

? Keep Manhattan just

gimme that countryside ??

No downtown !

Middle America !

Oh, buddy ! l'm here !

l have arrived !

Oh ! Oh !

[ Kisses Ground ]

Oh ! Noing-noing

noing-noing-noing.

- House looks great.

- Yes, dear. Some things never change.

Oh, Pappy !

Excuse me. Hi, can you

just tape this for us ?

Just-- Yeah, just--

Here. Just get me.

Oh, what's up,

Middle America ?

Rippin' the fields.

A-hoo ! A-hoo !

Gettin' barreled.

Pipeline. Ooh !

Sorry. l just get real excited.

Just never been here before.

Look, uh, uh, Crotch.

- Crawl.

- Right. You're gonna be

sleepin' up in Zack's room.

- Cool. We'll get to know each other.

- Can't wait.

What'd they do to ya, Shortcake ?

l can't hardly recognize you.

Chickens.

You guys have chickens ?

Oh, l love chickens.

Are they extra crispy

or original recipe ? [ Cackling ]

Who in the hell is that ?

[ Babbling ]

- [ Cackling Continues ]

- What's wrong ?

We have to talk. Come on.

Good God Almighty.

[ Crawl ]

Wait, stop ! Hi, sweetie.

[ Cackling ]

l'm on your side.

Chickens !

Hey, l wouldn't get any closer

than that if l was you.

You go in there, old Samson,

he's gonna have his way with you.

- Chickens ? Please.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

- Bull. [ Snorting ]

[ Snorting ]

- Aah, aah, aah !

- Yah ! Back off, Samson !

Ah, ah !

Thank you so much.

Hey, hey !

What are you doin' ?

l just wanted to say

thank you for saving me.

l've never been on a farm before.

- You're kiddin'.

- Uh-uh. Hi.

l'm Rebecca's friend. My name's Crawl.

Pleasure to meet you, bro.

- Ow.

- l'm Theo. Nice to meet you, bro.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes