Son in Law Page #5

- Now, if Junior would get here--

[ Crawl ]

Where'd-- Why'd ya go so fast ?

Hello. My name is Crawl.

Hello. Real people !

Down-home-cookin' people.

Hey, cool goatee, buddy.

What's up, pal ? Whoa !

- Look at him.

- [ Crawl ] How ya doin' there, sir ?

- Aha !

- Listen, you guys, l was feelin'...

really, like, out of place,

but, hey, check it.

- Now l fit in.

- lt's great.

- [ Laughing ]

- Hmph !

- lt's okay.

- [ Walter ] So, uh...

- Cramp--

- Crawl.

Oh, right, um...

what kind of name is that anyway ?

Nickname. They gave it

to me my freshman year 'cause

that's how l always got home.

- En garde !

- Zack, grow up.

l can't wait 'til l grow up.

- Then l can get a tattoo just like you.

- Tattoo ?

- [ Both ] Tattoo ?

- [ Glass Clinking ]

As you all know, Rebecca Warner

and l have been courting

for almost five years now.

- Oh, sh*t !

- He's doing it right now ?

And since l think

of you all as family,

l thought it was important

that we include you

on this very special occasion.

- Crawl.

- What am l supposed--

- Honey.

- Rebecca, will you marry me ?

[ Applauding ]

- Do something. Do something !

- Ow !

Ow, ow, ow ! Wait.

l just wanted to say something.

Huh ! l just wanted to say,

um, that Travis is too late.

Whoa, this is getting good.

Yeah, um, 'cause a couple weeks ago at

school, l already asked Bec to marry me.

[ Woman ]

Oh, no.

And she said yes.

- Oh, my God.

- Here. l almost forgot, sweetie.

Here's your little ringie.

Look it, she's nervous.

- Oh, hey, dude, don't worry.

She never cheated on you.

- Travis ?

- Travis !

- Mom, Dad.

Maybe now is a good time to start

thinkin' about a bachelor party.

Be back in a sec.

Travis ! Travis !

Will you just stop ? l'm sorry.

- Just a friend.

- l'm sorry.

Alone at Thanksgiving.

-Why didn't you just tell me the truth ?

-Because there wasn't time.

- Your timing was perfect

tonight, Rebecca.

- [ Crawl ] Bec, are you okay ?

- Yes, we're fine.

- No, we are not fine !

Listen, l understand if you're pissed.

lf you wanna talk about it, it's--

Ow ! Ohh !

Oh !

[ Whimpering ]

Why did you do that ?

[ Crawl Whimpering ]

Get up !

[ Rebecca ] My God, l can't

believe you just did that, Crawl.

What was l supposed to do, huh ?

You stomped on my foot.

- l stood up. l said

the first thing that came to me.

- This is a total disaster.

- You know we've destroyed

Travis, right ?

- Forget Travis !

- Look ! Look at my nose.

- Crawl, this is serious.

What do you think

their kids are gonna look like ?

- Zack !

- Zack !

- l was just asking.

So what do you wanna do ?

Do you wanna tell him the truth ?

No, no, n-no, w-we can't.

lt'll just make it worse.

We just have to ride this out

until the end of the week, that's it.

- Hmm. So you wanna stay engaged ?

- Please.

- Okay. Can l get some tongue ?

- Oh, you--

- Ah !

- Oh, l'm sorry.

l'm sorry.

Are you okay ? Sorry.

- [ Laughing ]

- [ Whimpering ]

- We just can't let this happen.

- What can we do ?

Well, uh, we can ground her.

- What ?

- Well, we're still her parents.

Can't we do that ?

She's rebelling, Walter.

lf we forbid it,

she'll run off with him

and we'll never see her again.

Let's just calm down

and deal with this like adults.

Right, right.

You distract him. l'm gonna hit him

over the head with a shovel.

Theo. Hey, l guess

it's Miller time, huh ?

Dude, you should

be drinkin' Lite.

[ Laughing ]

Look, you little son of a b*tch,

l can smell

your shitty stink a mile away,

so just stay clear of me, all right ?

So basically we're not

gonna be hanging out ?

Okay, l'm sorry.

- Hey, can l whittle wood with you ?

- No.

Okay.

- Honey, would you please

tell me what's going on ?

- What ?

You bring home this boy you say

you're marrying. You don't tell us

anything. Are you pregnant ?

- No !

- Well, tell me please then.

l really want to understand.

- lt's not what you think.

- Great ! What is it then ?

- Look, it's not that big a deal.

- Not that big a deal ?

Getting married's

not that big a deal ?

Honey, getting married

is a very big deal.

We sent you away to college so you

could have choices for your future,

- not to go and marry

the first thing that comes along.

- Thing ?

Well, yes.

He's... weird.

- You are so out of it, Connie.

- l am not--

- What is this ''Connie'' business ?

l'm your mother !

- And l'm an adult !

Oh, well, uh, uh--

[ Crawl ]

Oh, perfect timing. Listen.

- l got some amazing thoughts

about this bachelor party.

- Never mind about that.

l need to know

what your plans are.

Well, actually, sir,

l was thinkin' about stayin' in school

for a couple more years.

You know, goin' into

European Studies, buddy.

l mean, cruisin' around

Europe, backpacking, right ?

Munchin' that ch-ch-ch-cheese,

- a little vino.

- [ Walter ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now just a minute here.

How do you propose...

to support my daughter ?

Well, what do you do ?

- l run this farm.

- There. l could do that.

- Huh ?

- l mean, since l'm part

of this family now.

lt's tough, but l'll probably

take over when you retire.

- You wanna be a farmer ?

- l think l'm gonna be sick.

[ Walter ]

Now look here, son.

Farmin' is not like sittin'

on your butt in school.

- Farming is hard work.

- Yeah, l know.

l'm gonna do the nine-to-fiver.

- Nine-to-fiver.

- Uh-huh. Huh !

Nine to five.

You hear that, Theo ?

l think we got ourselves a farmer.

You think you could show him...

- the ropes a little bit tomorrow ?

- Oh, yeah.

- [ lmitating Crawl ]

lt would be my pleasure.

- Now remember,

- we get started first thing

in the morning.

- Cock-a-doodle-doo !

[ Rooster Crowing ]

[ Snoring ]

Rise and shine, valentine.

[ Screams ]

- Shh !

- Oh, l thought you were a burglar.

- You have got to stop doin' that.

- [ Laughs ]

You gotta admit, man,

it's kinda wild that

l'm weizin' on the farmer's daughter.

Mmm, steam.

- [ Southern Drawl ] Like a Jacuzzi.

- Yeah, sort of.

- Hop in !

- Ow ! [ Spits ]

How you like that smell ?

- [ Gasps ]

- Dig in.

[ High-pitched Voice ]

Okay.

- Put that grain into this trough.

- Uh-huh.

- All the way to the end.

- All the way to the end ?

[ Crawl Screaming, Groaning ]

- Ain't farmin' fun ?

- [ Crawl ] Piggy ! Piggy !

- [ Theo ] Hey.

Pour that slop right

in the trough there, son.

- Right here ?

- Yeah, right there.

Whoa, whoa ! Wait a minute !

- Get on the other side.

You don't wanna get trampled.

- Thank you.

- There you go.

Don't get none of that on ya.

- Get over there, Hoss! Baby !

Ooh, yeah.

l'm farmin' it now, Theo.

- Ooh, you just love your foody !

- Yah, pig !

- [ Pig Squealing ]

- Yah !

Aah ! Nice piglet !

Piggy ! Piggy !

[ Theo Laughing ]

How you like farmin', city boy ?

All right, City,

just climb up on this tractor here.

- l used to have one of these

when l was a little fella.

- That's wonderful.

Get up there. l want you to fire it up.

You gotta pull out the silver button,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes