Son in Law Page #6

- push the black 'un.

- The blacken ?

Come on. l ain't got all day.

- Ooh !

- All right. Now,

- drop it down into first gear there,

down to your right.

- Yeah ?

- And then bring her on back in.

Give it plenty of gas.

- Okay.

[ Screaming ]

Stop, Theo ! Theo, stop it !

- Help !

- l forgot to tell ya there.

That first gear can be

just a little tricky.

Kinda saggy there, Elsie.

[ Chuckles ]

l know a killer doctor

in Beverly Hills...

- [ Mooing ]

- that will nip and tuck ya.

Oh, just chill, buddy. Here we go.

A little milk-age. Check it.

[ Mooing ]

Oops, wrong button.

Lunch !

Old Theo told me

the cow pissed on his head.

?? [ Crawl Humming

''Old MacDonald Had A Farm'' ]

Mmm, smells like down-home cookin'.

- You okay ?

- Hey, hey, hey, l'm okay.

First day, first day.

This barnyard stuff is not

as easy as l thought, though.

l gotta hand it to you Mr. Warner.

You farm guys got it goin' on.

Yeah, well, l guess your farm days

are about over, huh ?

Nope. Just haven't found my groove yet.

Groove ? You destroyed my fence.

l lost half my chickens.

You messed up my tractor.

Listen, l figure your ''groove'' cost me

about close to $1,000 this morning.

Sir, l plan on paying

you back for the damages.

How are you gonna do that ?

You don't even have a job.

Well, yes, l do. l'm a farmer.

Don't be callin' yourself a farmer.

And l gotta tell ya somethin' else.

l mean, l'm sorry,

but you, you just stink to high heaven.

- Walter !

- Well, l've lost my appetite.

- Will you just stop it ?

- l don't believe l was

talkin' to you, young lady.

- Just leave him alone, Walter.

- Don't call me... Walter !

- Walter.

- l'm your father.

l should be treated with

a little respect around here.

- Well, then how about treating me

with some respect ?

- Out of control.

Well, look what you do when you make

decisions. You throw it all away.

- Walter, hush !

- How would you know what l did ?

Well, that tattoo gives me

a pretty good idea.

Come on, Dad,

it's just a butterfly.

- Out of control.

- lt's not like she killed anyone.

- You just stay out of this.

- Oh, l can't have an opinion ?

The day you make a contribution around

here is the day you can have an opinion.

- Walter !

- l contribute.

These children

are out of control.

- These children

are not out of control...

- What's the deal ?

- and they are my children,

and you just stay out of this.

- l'm sorry.

All right, let's just all settle down.

- l'm not gonna settle down.

- Walter, l want you

to stop this right now.

- l should have stopped it,

but l listened to you.

- l didn't have a say in this ?

- We made that decision together.

- No, we don't make anything together.

- And that's my fault ?

- [ Everyone Arguing ]

- Shh ! Eh, eh, eh ! Shh !

Please ! Please !

- What happened to my family ?

Calm down.

You people are being so mean.

Look at you. Listen.

Becca always told me about

what a great family she had.

And then l get here and l meet you guys

and she's right. You guys are great.

You're like the Waltons.

And then l come in.

And l wrecked

your whole harmonious vibe.

Look, it's obvious what the problem is.

So l'm just gonna go.

Forgot my stuff's upstairs.

Fine. l'm going too, then.

Wait. Now this has gotten completely

out of hand. Come back in here. Walter.

All right, look,

nobody's goin' anywhere.

- [ Crawl Sighs ]

- We're all just gettin'

a little bit out of, uh,

uh, control here. Uh, Crotch--

- [ Everyone ] Crawl !

- All right, all right ! Crawl.

- Crawl, we want you to stay.

- Are you sure ?

Pretty sure. l mean,

l'm sure. l'm sure.

- Okay, well, if you insist.

- No, no, no, l insist.

Well, l'd love to stay and chat,

but l've got a lot of work to do.

l'm gonna grab a couple

little drumsticks for the road.

Sir, you're not gonna be disappointed.

[ Zack ]

Wait. l'll give ya a hand.

- [ Crawl ] Really ? Well, all right.

- Yeah.

- Thanks.

- ? Old MacWalter had a farm ?

? Ee-yi-ee-yi-oh ?

? And on this farm he had a kid

with squishy, puffy cheeks ?

? With a fft-fft here

and a fft-fft there ?

? There a fft, here a fft

everywhere a fft-fft ??

l'm going to my room.

- [ Sighs ]

- [ Footsteps Retreating ]

Okay, now look. Watch out for...

[ Laughs ]

that button right there.

Buddy, it is dangerous.

Don't worry. l've done this before.

Come on. Try it.

- Try it.

- [ Mooing ]

Look, l can't. l'm bashful.

- lt's kind of like feelin'

a cone for the first time.

- lt's not like a real tit.

Huh ! l've had my hands on some

pretty freaky cones back in L.A., man.

Have you had your hands

on my sister's ?

- Don't talk about your sister

like that, man. Come on.

- Sorry.

Geez.

Whoa ! [ Laughs ]

Yeah ! [ Crows ]

- You're pretty good at this, Zack.

- Great. My life's ambition.

- Okay, now let me try it.

- Okay.

- What-- ls there, like,

a special technique, man ?

- Yeah, start at the top...

- Uh-huh.

- and squeeze it,

and then go down all the way.

- Wow, you're right.

lt's not like a real tit.

- Yeah.

? Yee-ee ?

? Yee-ee ?

Here it is !

These are your vittles !

Come and get it, baby !

lt's chow time !

Soo-ey !

- Oh ! Hey, boys ! Come on, eat 'em up !

- ? Yee-ee ?

? Yee-ee ??

- Sic him, pig !

- Come on, Porky !

[ Howling ]

Back it, dude. Reverse.

Towards that way.

Come on.

[ Howling ]

Theo !

- Check on it, buddy !

- Sometimes that boy just chaps my hide.

Yeah ! Oh, yeah !

[ Groans, Coughs ]

What... is that ?

Hmm. Mischief.

Huh ! Ah, look at this thing.

lt's like a big video game.

Stick shift.

One, two, three.

A little music.

''John Denver.''

Hmm.

Where can l stick this ?

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Uh-huh. Just slide it right there.

Doesn't work.

Gotta turn it on.

And then up.

Oh, cool.

? l pull out my fiddle

and l rosin up the bow ?

? The kids are asleep

so l keep it kinda low ?

? Thank God

l'm a country boy ?

- [ Engine Starting ]

- ? l'd play Sally Gooden

all day if l could ?

- [ lmitating Gunfire ]

- ? But the Lord and my wife

wouldn't take it very good ?

? So l fiddle when l can

and l work when l should ?

? Thank God

l'm a country boy ?

? Well, l got me a fine wife

l got me old fiddle ?

? When the sun's comin' up

l got cakes on the griddle ?

? Life ain't nothin'

but a funny, funny riddle ?

? Thank God l'm a country boy

Whoo-hoo ?

Aah ! Aaaah !

Aaaaah ! Aaaaah !

Damn it ! Theo, damn it,

l told you to watch him.

That's a $250,000 machine.

? Well, l wouldn't trade my life

for diamonds or jewels ?

- Not anymore, it ain't.

- ? l never was one

of them money-hungry fools ?

- ? l'd rather have my fiddle

and my farmin' tools ?

- Whoo-hoo !

- ? Thank God l'm a country boy ?

- Cuttin' some corn. Cuttin' some corn.

- Can l get some butter, please ?

- Hey, come back here !

- Damn it, what's that kid's name ?

- Sometimes he answers to ''a**hole.''

[ Crawl Singing ]

? Country boy ?

? Well, l got me a fine wife

l got me old fiddle ?

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