South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #11

BOB:

Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian

export. We can't carry them any more.

KYLE:

Who the hell made up that law?!

CARTMAN:

You can't do this!! Have you ever HAD

Cheesy Poofs? They're a taste sensation

with a delightful cheddar crunch.

BOB:

There's nothing I can do. I can still

sell you Cheese-o's.

CARTMAN:

F*** Cheese-os and F*** you!

Cartman storms out. The boys follow him.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

The boys walk into Cartman's house. Cartman slams the door

behind him. The boys all walk toward the living room.

CARTMAN:

Come on, you guys... We have to THINK!

STAN:

About what?

CARTMAN:

About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This

whole thing has gone too far!

KYLE:

I don't really think you need Cheesy-

Poofs, tubby-

But the boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the

living room and see that all four mothers are waiting for

them, silently.

Everyone just sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle's

mother's face looks almost evil.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Boys, we have to have a difficult

discussion.

KYLE:

We already know what you did. We saw it

on television.

STAN:

Yeah, how come you arrested Terrance and

Phillip?

STAN'S MOTHER

Stanly, you're too young to understand

what's good for you. That's why we

mothers have taken charge.

KYLE:

But they f***ing didn't do anything

wrong!

CARTMAN:

Yeah! And what rim job expert went and

outlawed Cheesy Poofs!?

The mothers all gasp in horror.

KYLE'S MOTHER

What was that word, young man!?

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Oh, he said rim job. It's when someone

licks your ass for-

KYLE'S MOTHER

I know what it is!

CARTMAN:

(To his mother)

Lick someone's ass?!

KYLE'S MOTHER

The Terrance and Phillip movie has

obviously done irreparable damage to

their brains. We have to put them in

rehab right away.

KYLE:

What's that?

KYLE'S MOTHER

You boys need help. There are rehab

centers that specialize in treating

people with chronic addictions to bad

language.

STAN'S MOTHER

There are?

Kyle's mother thinks for a second.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Well no, I guess not... But we will

establish the first of its kind right

here in South Park. All the children in

town will have to attend and receive

treatment from the school counselor Mr.

Mackey! Ooh I just love when I get these

sorts of ideas!

CARTMAN:

Why? So you can f*** up our life some

more?

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Eric! Don't talk to Ms. Brovlofski that

way!

CARTMAN:

But mom! I'm not f***ing addicted to

f***ing bad language! I don't have a

f***ing problem!

INT. HELL - DAY

Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy, single

shaft of light seems to follow him wherever he goes.

KENNY:

Mphrmo?

No answer... No nothing...

Kenny continues on, flames shoot up randomly from the ground

scaring the sh*t out of him.

KENNY:

MPHR!! MMLY MMT!

Suddenly, Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and

louder. Kenny starts to run faster and faster. Now the

clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins around. He is face

to face with SATAN!

Satan looks down at Kenny and shoots flames out his nose.

Kenny's eyes bulge open.

KENNY:

MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!!

SATAN:

Fallen one... We have such sights to show

you!

Kenny shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across

the room like a serpent, in a millisecond he is right up in

Kenny's face.

SATAN:

I am Satan. I am your God, now.

KENNY:

MPH RM!!!

Kenny tries to run away, but Satan again changes form, flies

across the room and cuts Kenny off.

SATAN:

Come with me. I will show you what

delightful pain awaits.

Two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to lead him

away.

KENNY:

MMMMMPHPHP!!!!

Just then, SADDAM HUSSEIN show up next to Satan.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcome to hell,

kid! Relax! Take a load off!!

SATAN:

You remember... Saddam Hussein, don't

you?!

Kenny's eyes grow wide.

KENNY:

MMMPPH!!!

EXT. REHAB CENTER - DAY

Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building.

INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle. There are anti-

drug signs on the walls: "Crack is Whack"; "Get High on

Pottery"; and, "I Go From Zero to B*tch in .9 Seconds." MR.

MACKEY, the wiry school counselor, leads the group. There's

a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables behind them.

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